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Old 10-10-2010, 04:37 PM
 
Location: Astoria, NY
3,056 posts, read 1,229,957 times
Reputation: 2475
Just make sure you're not stereotyping others just because they prefer a different scene than you or appear "feminine", ALL people hate to be stereotyped.
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:23 PM
 
190 posts, read 261,612 times
Reputation: 195
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ratdude View Post
I need some opinions here.

I am a 32 y/o gay dude that is not into the "scene" and have been told by some of my friends on both sides of the fence that I can be a snob when it comes to meeting people in general, esp other gay people. I am not closeted, but I don't advertise either.

Some or many of you may consider what your about to read seeming harsh, but I don't mean to be that way.

I am a very discreet non-scene oriented guy that refuses to hang out with flamboyant guys who seem to exert all of their energy into being what I consider stereotypical feminine fags who can't really function in life outside of the gay bar/club scene and without their alcohol, drugs, other feminine friends, etc.... I have seen so much of this that I joke about the fact that it almost seems there is a *** factory that produces these people.

I am not mean or rude to these people when/if I encounter them, I just don't want to really associate with that mentality. Does that make me a mean snobbish person?

I am a somewhat responsible and goal-oriented individual whom has what I consider to be a rewarding career and want my friends or a possible future partner to at least share some of the same views, values, etc as I do.

Please let me know if this makes me a bad person, and if there are other masc gay dudes out there that have experienced what I posted, please respond, it would be awesome to interract with others just so I don't feel like I am completely crazed....lol.
I am not gay, but I may be able to offer some suggestions. Balancing far left views with values that support stable relationships requires sorting. If you are struggling integrating parts of your identity because the "scene" is young and perhaps over sexualized, then a spiritual side may help. Now, I am not suggesting that you have some kind of alter experience. However, you may benefit from a more mature community of supporters. The Unitarian Universalist church may help with the sorting and creating a sense of normalcy.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:58 PM
 
Location: Texas
27,599 posts, read 21,337,449 times
Reputation: 32450
Quote:
Originally Posted by galactic_hombre View Post
I am not gay, but I may be able to offer some suggestions. Balancing far left views with values that support stable relationships requires sorting.

Why do you assume he has far left views? My wife and I have moderate to far right views.

Last edited by stan4; 10-10-2010 at 09:08 PM..
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Old 10-11-2010, 12:23 AM
 
76 posts, read 93,694 times
Reputation: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Well I'm a straight woman but I believe it's more normal than you realize. One of the reasons my ex gave for masquerading as a straight man for so long was because he was turned off by the gay scene and just didn't want to have anything to do with that and that is something I can understand. Personally though, I have nothing against "the scene," but like you I wouldn't want to make it my life.

Question for OP though--how do you meet dates? I guess it's easier with computer dating these days, but what about before? I've asked my gay dd this too, since she's still too young for bars, but she said you just know when someone is gay. It helps that she now goes to a college with a large gay population, but I don't think this is what's meant by the gay scene? She doesn't appear to be gay either--she was always a very feminine little girl and that hasn't changed--before she went to kindergarten, she refused to ever wear pants.
To answer your ??'s....Before internet sites, I met people through mutual friends, etc...

You are correct, I would not consider school or college part of the scene.
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Old 10-11-2010, 12:29 AM
 
76 posts, read 93,694 times
Reputation: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Um, hey.
So I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm one of those gay people who pretty much can't stand other gay people who make 'being gay' their whole lives. Kind of what you're saying - 'the scene,' the politics, the constant making everything about being gay.

So yeah...I come off as snobbish to other gays because frankly, they are high-schoolish and a waste of my time. I have like 2 good friends who are gay and some scattered acquaintences. All my other friends are straight. Sexuality is not what I base my friendships on.

I am like the worst gay person ever because I refuse to look and dress like a man (I'm a woman, I look like a woman, and I don't find women who don't look like women attractive whatsoever - then again, I thought the point of being gay was being into women, not pseudomen), I don't read gay lit, don't watch gay movies (though I thought Bound was pretty good), don't go to pride...I vote republican...being gay is not the end-all be-all of my existence...in fact, besides who I prefer to sleep with, it has nothing to do with the rest of my life whatsoever.

That is not a bad thing. Because you are unlikely to meet anyone you'd want to date frequenting the bars and clubs (unless they, too, don't have any idea where else to go to meet gay people).

I met my wife through mutual friends. I met my exes through class in college or some club where people got together to do some activity they enjoyed. Never met anyone worthwhile through a gay function or club.

Good luck! You're not alone. Can't vouch as to whether or not you're a weirdo, though.
I am only slightly weird...lol.....Honestly in most cases everytime I think I am going to be the crazy one in a group, room, etc.....I turn out to be one of the more normal grounded people....
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Old 10-11-2010, 12:50 AM
 
Location: So Cal
23,322 posts, read 16,940,176 times
Reputation: 21961
Your my kind of gay guy... LOL, I wish I had some good advice for you... hanging in there.... it will happen when it happens..... sad, I know, but that's the truth.... its the same for straight people.....
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Old 10-11-2010, 12:55 AM
 
Location: Texas
27,599 posts, read 21,337,449 times
Reputation: 32450
Chow makes an excellent point - I think it's hard to find grounded, level-headed, down-to-earth people of any sex or orientation.
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Old 10-13-2010, 01:35 AM
 
Location: Montana
11 posts, read 14,289 times
Reputation: 41
Usually when we are uncomfortable with others. Its because we see something in them that makes us uncomfortable with ourselves.

I am sorry to say but I think your attitude is a bit bigoted. You dont have to like everyone but to just dislike someone for being too fem or too butch is idiotic! Sorry but I think your being shallow and are still some what in the closet. When you become truly comfortable with yourself. Only then can you be comfortable with others.

I bet you have friends who think your a stick in the mud, but are still friends with you. Plus- its always the guys who say they dont want to be around fems that are the biggest fems of all. They look butch on the outside, but once they open their mouths. Its screaming queen time!

The real reason you are not into "the scene" as you call it is because it makes you uncomfortable to face so many different versions of yourself.

Besides- if it wasnt for alot of these screaming and daring queens. You wouldnt have most of the Gay Rights you have today. It was these individuals who were not afraid to be themselves and fought for that right for themselves and for you.

Stop being a ***** and grow up! There are real problems in the world! I think there are other things to focus on then finding other self hating gay men like your self!
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Old 10-13-2010, 03:36 AM
 
1,128 posts, read 1,161,472 times
Reputation: 1268
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Chow makes an excellent point - I think it's hard to find grounded, level-headed, down-to-earth people of any sex or orientation.
C-D won't let me rep you again, so:

At this point of life, I would be very happy simply surrounding myself with people who don't spontaneously generate drama/problems like an ameoba ...
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Old 10-13-2010, 06:46 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,079 posts, read 8,286,014 times
Reputation: 3599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ratdude View Post
I need some opinions here.

I am a 32 y/o gay dude that is not into the "scene" and have been told by some of my friends on both sides of the fence that I can be a snob when it comes to meeting people in general, esp other gay people. I am not closeted, but I don't advertise either.

Some or many of you may consider what your about to read seeming harsh, but I don't mean to be that way.

I am a very discreet non-scene oriented guy that refuses to hang out with flamboyant guys who seem to exert all of their energy into being what I consider stereotypical feminine fags who can't really function in life outside of the gay bar/club scene and without their alcohol, drugs, other feminine friends, etc.... I have seen so much of this that I joke about the fact that it almost seems there is a *** factory that produces these people.

I am not mean or rude to these people when/if I encounter them, I just don't want to really associate with that mentality. Does that make me a mean snobbish person?

I am a somewhat responsible and goal-oriented individual whom has what I consider to be a rewarding career and want my friends or a possible future partner to at least share some of the same views, values, etc as I do.

Please let me know if this makes me a bad person, and if there are other masc gay dudes out there that have experienced what I posted, please respond, it would be awesome to interract with others just so I don't feel like I am completely crazed....lol.

I'm not a gay guy but I have gay guy friends. I have a colleague who is VERY flaming and loud and then I have two other friends who also are like you in that they DO NOT advertise that they are gay and for all outward appearance, you would never know if you saw them walking down the street.

One of them (they are a couple, long term) was married before and had two kids but always felt something wasn't quite right. He's very straight acting, very much about appearances as he's got a very serious career that if found out would cause issues. But aside from that they feel that they are men, that should act like men and just happen to also LIKE men.

I don't think your a snob because you're the way you are. We all have preferences. I don't like hanging around flaming gay men either so I hang with my more straight-behaving friends.
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