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Ok, I'm gonna spill here because I'm so twisted up inside and I need to get over it and move on. A sane person I guess would write in a journal or talk to a friend, but I'll open my insane life up here for discussion.
If you want the short, to the point, story, I rolled the dice with this guy I'm with, and it's not working out. And I should move on. The End.
If you want the details, get a cup of coffee and get comfortable. Me and this guy, I'll call him Chuckles, have been dating on and off, since January 2002. It started with him being very distant and saying he didn't want a relationship. There is no "we". And, "you don't factor in." Lovely things like that. Yet, he would call and email me and talk for hours like a new boyfriend would do. He also took me on several trips, vacations, shared his life with me, took me to concerts, movies, dinners, spent time, money, the whole thing. All while being at arm's length. It was so confusing! I fell hard for him in month one. I was a goner, so I put up with it, thinking he'd come around if he learned he could trust me.
He didn't come around. I would get fed up, end it, and we'd keep our distance for a few weeks or months. Then one of us would meander back to the other and start the whole rotation over again. This went on for four years. In summer 2006 his work moved him to Little Rock, Arkansas. We were from NJ/PA. After great discussion I decided to go with him. It was a nightmare. We were SO distant and snipy and annoyed and - it was bad. After 8 months I received a job offer in North Carolina and moved here, he went back to PA.
Two years go by, we chat sporadically but I was determined to move on with my life and start over. I did. New job, new state, new friends, new dates, the whole thing. I did it all on my own.
I thought we were done. I purged him from my system. Mostly. He emailed me to say he needed surgery and he may die, turns out it was a boil getting lanced. The communications started again, he bought a boat (which he knew I loved boating) brought it down to take me out, and we reconnected. We talked about getting back together. The word "love" was now in his vocabulary. We discussed him moving down here to NC so we could be together. I insisted it not be like Little Rock and maybe he should get his own place and we just try it out. He said no, he loves me and knows what he wants now, he's ready to do it. Pensively, I agree.
It's the same as Little Rock. He moved in and its been essentially the same ever since. That was August 1, 2009. Here we are, a year later, not much has changed. Well, except that I found he put an ad on adult friend finder in July. After a year of being distant from me, and having nothing for me, he was trolling for skanks. That almost did me in, I got so depressed I almost crashed my car and didn't sleep for weeks. Somehow, we talked through it. August, September, October now. He bought a house and we're doing the renovations and it's supposed to be our home. Where we'll start our life. But WHY didn't our life start when he moved in last August? Why has it taken a YEAR for us to be happy? What was he doing this whole time? Why were we not working on being closer and ironing out our kinks for the past year? Why NOW???
My head swims with reasons. He met someone else and has been fooling around with her this whole past year and now she moved away or something. Or, he's been trolling the net this whole time and had no luck. Or, he smooth talked me into beliving this time it would be love, and us, and happy, when it's more of the same crap as before.
I wonder every time he walks out the door. I want to check his emails, his phones, bank accounts, I want to know his whereabouts, and I don't do this as vigilantly as I used to, I've calmed down. But the doubts don't go away.
He's not a player. He's not joe cool, in fact he's a regular guy with a regular job. The thing is, I know that he's crafty. Very crafty. And I've caught him in little lies about little things through this past year. That could just be normal human stuff. Or, he's playing me.
Now he's been nicer. Sweeter, a little more loving, and he says things like he's trying to learn. He's trying to improve. But I'm bitter about the past year and also about the ad on AFF. And I still see the old cold, distant Chuckles a lot of the time.
The bottom line is, I'm not getting what I need. And I may never get it from him. So I should leave, right? After everything we've been through? And our house is almost ready, and our future is waiting for us. The future I always wanted with him, and only him. I dated a lot while he was away and never found anyone even close. He's been the only one for me for almost a decade.
Sorry this turned into a short novel. Right now, today, I don't know what to do. I think I would feel relieved if I moved out and got my own place and started over. But does that make me a quitter? We seem to work out big problems really well together. And I'm no spring chicken either, I mean I'm still pretty but I'm not 21 anymore. I don't know. I just don't know. It's so hard for me to figure out what to do. I think about it all the time.
Any serious, well-intentioned suggestions would be welcome.
He's been the only one for me for almost a decade.
Based on what did he get this position...? So far, I can’t find a word that would explain that in the whole short novel! Just because he's male and has the right parts?!
Based on what you have posted my only question is, "what so fascinates you about this guy?" You love him, but you are so suspicious you monitor him for any sign of straying. You must get something or you would never have hooked back up with him. I suggest you figure out what that is. Otherwise you are likely to find the next guy you take up with will share the same characteristics.
Good luck whichever route you take. Sounds like you already know what that will be.
I am so sorry for all that you're going through. It sounds like he is just a wee bit committment-phobic and I don't see that changing for you.
I was in a similar situation with a BF I had known for years and had lived with for about a year. We had the opportunity to buy and restore a historic home together, but our relationship was falling apart. He'd reniged on promises he'd made to someday move away from the area stating bluntly one day, "BTW, I never intend to leave this area." I have some gypsy blood in me and didn't want to be committed to one area forever. He didn't communicate with me and was overall very immature. When it came time for me to submit the paperwork to get on a waiting list for the home, I decided at the last minute not to do it and about 6 months later, left him and moved to a new city and started a new life. I knew he'd had a "friendship" with a single mother he'd met years prior, but in the end, suspected it was more. Within 6 months of me leaving, they were engaged and later had two kids together. They are now divorced after he discovered her cheating and not surprisingly, he's asking friends about my status. I married a few years ago and am welcoming my first child next year and couldn't be happier in life.
Not to burden you with my story, but my point is that you can improve your life and increase your chances for happiness. WOuldn't you rather just be single than feel this uncertaintly right now? I think in your heart, you know what you need to do. I wish you the best of luck.
What is there to "love"...? If it were an obsession (he was hot, smart, witty, smooth talker, good in bed, young, wealthy, or any combination of those), I'd understand! In her other threads she's talking about not even having sex!
You are what, in your 40s? Tick tock, the clock is running out. If you delay, you just may find yourself alone at 50, posting pics of you and your dog on vacation together, taking long walks on the beach. I see it on facebook all the time, don't want that to be me! Learn from the mistakes of others!
You are what, in your 40s? Tick tock, the clock is running out. If you delay, you just may find yourself alone at 50, posting pics of you and your dog on vacation together, taking long walks on the beach. I see it on facebook all the time, don't want that to be me! Learn from the mistakes of others!
Not everybody finds this option so scary. However, it does sound to me as if the OP does because there would be no other reason for putting up with this for so long.
Not everybody finds this option so scary. However, it does sound to me as if the OP does because there would be no other reason for putting up with this for so long.
This is not a general thread about aging single women, it is about a specific woman who has posted her story and is looking for feedback. She must find it scary, if she has tied herself to a man who barely even has sex with her (but has time for skanks on AFF) and doesn't even treat her well.
She must find it scary, if she has tied herself to a man who barely even has sex with her (but has time for skanks on AFF) and doesn't even treat her well.
As I already mentioned, I agree with this guess, but she hasn't explicitly said so. Moreover, she has started her life over already once alone in a new place recently and we may very well be wrong in our assessment.
Personnally I think he's playing you.
1. You have a right to be happy and you are responsible for your own happiness.
2. You have a right to have your needs met, you need to communicate those needs clearly. Remember men are dumd Don't settle!!!!!
3. If you are suspicous of his activities (most likely for a long time / forever) you will always be wondering what he's up to and that's no way to live your life.
4. He will never change, change comes from within becasue he wants too. Real change will occur when he expericences a life changing loss, a loss to something he values a great deal be it $$, possessions, health, something which represents currency to him.
5. Don't fool yourself, make excuses for his actions. He is a player.
Good luck and you have all the strength you need just look inside yourself.
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Don't settle!!!!!