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Today is my 65th birthday and I couldn’t feel more alone and unhappy. When I awoke, my husband presented me with some face cream, (unwrapped….it’s the kind I use and it’s the same thing he gave me last year and also Christmas). And a card. A humorous card you might give to a co-worker. Very impersonal card. Same type of card last year. I’ve been depressed and anxious lately, tapering off an ssri so I ‘m aware that I am feeling extra sensitive. …..so I had to ask myself if I was feeling bad because of that or because I have a legitimate reason to feel bad. I thanked him for the card and face cream. He was getting ready to work. I asked him if we could go out for dinner tonight……seldom do that. He was in the bathroom and angrily yelled out, WHERE?
I said, I don’t know, somewhere nice! He was still resistant, and I could tell by his tone that he didn’t want to go out. This is the normal usual response I get when I suggest we do ANYTHING. I said, “forget it.” He could tell I was hurt and angry so he said, sure, let’s go out to dinner.
Then after he left for work, he sent me an email card from work. Another funny impersonal card…..one you might send to someone you work with. Then he wrote something about me being at the age when I can receive senior discounts…..no loving message, nothing.
I always make him feel special on his birthday, anniversaries, holidays. Always go above and beyond with surprises, etc.
I usually have to force him to do anything with me. And then when he does, I feel like it is burdening him. And he’s usually so irritable that I ‘d rather do it alone.
He doesn’t cheat on me, swear, or hit me. None of that type of abuse. But I feel like all I have is roommate who doesn’t enjoy my company.
Today I am questioning what am I doing in this marriage? It’s been 15 years, (no kids), my second marriage. During our (short) courtship, he was a different person, full of life and fun. He is now 69 years old. Once we married, he became indifferent to me. We tried counseling and if he thinks he may lose me, he’ll change his ways for a few days, then things go back to the same thing. I feel like I’m too old to start over but don’t want to spend the rest of my days like this.
He is not going to change, I know that. So, should I stay with him and carve out a life of my own and be happy with a roommate who helps pay the bills? We do love each other, I know that. But this doesn't feel like a loving relationship.
Or do I leave and start over?
With the uncertain economy, that feels scary to me…I could manage but it would not be easy (financially).
Has anyone out there faced this in your marriage? If you have, I’d be interested to hear how you managed.
Could you explain it to him calmly, and without being bitchy, just like you did in this post ?
If so, then do that.
What do you think he would say about you ?
What do you "never do" any more ?
There are always two sides.
By posting on here, you will receive some weird and wonderful responses, and likely as not, not much real guidance !
The only way you are going to solve your drama is by communicating effectively.
Why can't you both come to an agreement to put in place whatever measures your counsellor suggested ?
Maybe not 24/7, that's difficult to maintain sometimes,
Your post could have been written by a million other couples. It takes constant hard work and compromise to make a marriage last. Pray that God will heal your marriage.
I am so sorry. This scenario is exactly why I will never remarry. I have a great fear that my husband will stop loving me and I will be alone and lonely even as half of a couple. I lived through this in my first marriage, never again. I know this is no help.
May I suggest you begin living your life as YOU wish. Turn to your good friends for companionship. Go out to dinner with THEM. Find something that makes you happy and do it.
Unfortunately ROMANCE is what's missing in so many marriages. Too bad that women go on and on for YEARS accepting this type of behavior as "okay" and don't communicate to their husbands how much they need that in their lives. Men sometimes are clueless when it comes to romance and with men like that, you have to teach it and demand it. It's not about nagging, it's about demanding to be romanced. Although I cannot believe that your 69 year old husband hasn't learned that already.
With so many years behind your belt with him, I don't think he will change, just like you said. You have let too many years go by with this type of treatment. I suggest to just concentrate on yourself now and do things that please YOU.
The point you make is fair, but we maybe shouldn't be so quick to blame the husband here.
I would really like to hear his side
I've been living this scenario for the last 10 years or so with my parents, they're both confiding in me, and bitching about each other, and how the spark has gone.
Trouble is, they're both right !
I think that what's happening is that they're talking to everybody else, with the exception of the one person they should be talking to.
As I said in my first reply, it's always a two way street.
I know what it's like when a relationship enters that phase, and whether we realise it or not, we put up barriers, and make obstacles needlessly.
As soon as one party thinks the other has stopped trying, they dig in their heels two, and it becomes a battle of wills, which won't be broken until someone takes positive action.
The fact that counselling helped this couple would suggest to me that they maybe both need to try a little harder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama
Unfortunately ROMANCE is what's missing in so many marriages. Too bad that women go on and on for YEARS accepting this type of behavior as "okay" and don't communicate to their husbands how much they need that in their lives. Men sometimes are clueless when it comes to romance and with men like that, you have to teach it and demand it. It's not about nagging, it's about demanding to be romanced. Although I cannot believe that your 69 year old husband hasn't learned that already.
With so many years behind your belt with him, I don't think he will change, just like you said. You have let too many years go by with this type of treatment. I suggest to just concentrate on yourself now and do things that please YOU.
Today is my 65th birthday and I couldn’t feel more alone and unhappy. When I awoke, my husband presented me with some face cream, (unwrapped….it’s the kind I use and it’s the same thing he gave me last year and also Christmas). And a card. A humorous card you might give to a co-worker. Very impersonal card. Same type of card last year. I’ve been depressed and anxious lately, tapering off an ssri so I ‘m aware that I am feeling extra sensitive. …..so I had to ask myself if I was feeling bad because of that or because I have a legitimate reason to feel bad. I thanked him for the card and face cream. He was getting ready to work. I asked him if we could go out for dinner tonight……seldom do that. He was in the bathroom and angrily yelled out, WHERE?
I said, I don’t know, somewhere nice! He was still resistant, and I could tell by his tone that he didn’t want to go out. This is the normal usual response I get when I suggest we do ANYTHING. I said, “forget it.” He could tell I was hurt and angry so he said, sure, let’s go out to dinner.
Then after he left for work, he sent me an email card from work. Another funny impersonal card…..one you might send to someone you work with. Then he wrote something about me being at the age when I can receive senior discounts…..no loving message, nothing.
I always make him feel special on his birthday, anniversaries, holidays. Always go above and beyond with surprises, etc.
I usually have to force him to do anything with me. And then when he does, I feel like it is burdening him. And he’s usually so irritable that I ‘d rather do it alone.
He doesn’t cheat on me, swear, or hit me. None of that type of abuse. But I feel like all I have is roommate who doesn’t enjoy my company.
Today I am questioning what am I doing in this marriage? It’s been 15 years, (no kids), my second marriage. During our (short) courtship, he was a different person, full of life and fun. He is now 69 years old. Once we married, he became indifferent to me. We tried counseling and if he thinks he may lose me, he’ll change his ways for a few days, then things go back to the same thing. I feel like I’m too old to start over but don’t want to spend the rest of my days like this.
He is not going to change, I know that. So, should I stay with him and carve out a life of my own and be happy with a roommate who helps pay the bills? We do love each other, I know that. But this doesn't feel like a loving relationship.
Or do I leave and start over?
With the uncertain economy, that feels scary to me…I could manage but it would not be easy (financially).
Has anyone out there faced this in your marriage? If you have, I’d be interested to hear how you managed.
You seem to express yourself real well based on your post. Why don't you write him a letter similar to this one minus the accusative undertone and the reason (financial uncertainty) why you're scared to leave and be on your own.
Just let him know exactly how you feel about the relationship and ask him whether or not there are any basis for your feeling of dejection in the marriage.
For me this would be the perfect venue for self expression without being interrupted before I get the chance to present the issue in an unbiased manner (people's defense mechanism is automatically raised when verbal confrontation occurs.) Then ask his opinion.... (I do this with my husband and children and so far, the end results are almost always positive.)
The problems you have can probably be fixed, but to do so you will have to take initiative and lead for awhile, because he won't and will probably be resistant to change. Yet change, and variety are what you both need to makes things better and more stimulating, which usually leads to a closer relationship.
He's lost the sense of intimacy. He's not bad, as you've said. I really don't think you want to be single at this point in life, unless you have the friends and support systems in place and would be happier without him than with him. I think this is fixable, and may not even need professional help unless you can't deal with it alone.
I would reinvent myself. Travel, join some clubs, do whatever you want. Sitting at home in misery is not the answer. He is not going to change, all you can do is change you, design your life around you.
You have companionship love, and, that is not an unusual relationship for people in their senior years.
I highly recommend the book "Marriage Fitness" by Mort Fertel (I'm sure your local library has it).
I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman. We have both been married once before and have both been divorced for over 10 years. Our "dating" was fantastic. But, it seemed as soon as we became engaged we started bickering about every little thing.
It's almost as if the engagement just suddenly hit us and we realized that we didn't know how to deal with it.
I did some online research and came across this book. I checked my local library and they had a copy. I read it, told my fiancee about it, and started implementing the steps outlined in each chapter.
Our relationship has taken a "180" because of it which is ironic since the book is only about 180 pages long.
Give it a try. :-)
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