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Old 10-26-2010, 01:49 PM
 
3 posts, read 6,598 times
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I love my husband and after 7 years I'd say we have a very solid relationship. But I'm finding lately that I'm wanting to have sex less and less with him. I've finally realized that I just want him to be affectionate with me sometimes without it having to lead to sex every time. And I just need a lot more emotional connection with him to be inspired to want to have sex with him. I've talked with him about this a few times, but it just doesn't seem to be making a difference. I'm so frustrated!

I'm wondering if any women here are experiencing something similar, what's it like for you, and if you've found some ways to get more intimacy and affection from your husband. Thanks!
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Old 10-26-2010, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 17,784,763 times
Reputation: 9345
In my 19 year marriage this was our problem for the first several years. For the last half of the marriage I gave up on the emotional connection and was just glad that at least the sex was still good. It was the only good thing in our marriage, even to the end. Otherwise, we had nothing together. I now celebrate independence day on July 7th. Seriously, I'm not minimizing your situation. I just don't know that anyone has the answer. It's a popular topic of discussion on talk shows and countless books. Why? Because no one's found a way to get some men to hear us.
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:02 PM
 
1,994 posts, read 2,807,043 times
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I feel a lot like you do, OP. Happy to cuddle all day long, but that’s about it.

My boyfriend doesn’t seem to react to anything I do. If I wear skimpy lingerie I want his eyeballs to pop out of his head but he just says “that’s nice”.
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:03 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,915,326 times
Reputation: 1725
Quote:
Originally Posted by *VaNiLlaGoRrilLa* View Post
I feel a lot like you do, OP. Happy to cuddle all day long, but that’s about it.

My boyfriend doesn’t seem to react to anything I do. If I wear skimpy lingerie I want his eyeballs to pop out of his head but he just says “that’s nice”.

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Old 10-26-2010, 04:04 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,915,326 times
Reputation: 1725
Quote:
Originally Posted by janiloro View Post
I love my husband and after 7 years I'd say we have a very solid relationship. But I'm finding lately that I'm wanting to have sex less and less with him. I've finally realized that I just want him to be affectionate with me sometimes without it having to lead to sex every time. And I just need a lot more emotional connection with him to be inspired to want to have sex with him. I've talked with him about this a few times, but it just doesn't seem to be making a difference. I'm so frustrated!

I'm wondering if any women here are experiencing something similar, what's it like for you, and if you've found some ways to get more intimacy and affection from your husband. Thanks!

I mean no i don't get much intimacy from the soon to be ex husband but i still have a high sex drive so i don't feel you on that level.
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:58 PM
 
13,092 posts, read 13,683,396 times
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Ladies, What's your biggest frustration in your married sex life?

I was married for 14 years, and during that marriage the biggest frustration was that he expected me to be on his "clock" (he liked to stay up late, so for him he wasn't in the mood until say 11pm)with no regard or willingness for my "clock" (I was generally exhasuted and wanting to be asleep by 9pm, so for me to be in the mood, it needed to be around 7 or 8pm)

What was frustrating was he showed no regard for my level of interest or exhaustion, and he refused to accommodate in any way, ie have nookie earlier in the evening. He insisted he had "other things to do" like watch tv and read the paper. I literally tried things like draping myself naked across the TV or climbing into his lap and he got irritated.

So that was my major sex frustration during the marriage. When we divorced, it was in large part due to his utter self-centeredness.
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Old 10-27-2010, 11:46 PM
 
Location: Honolulu, HI
534 posts, read 1,888,478 times
Reputation: 623
Well, I have only been married to my husband for going on 4 years, together for almost 5, but my biggest complaint is my sex drive is much higher than his. I am 11+ years older, so that is not something I would have expected, lol.
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Old 10-28-2010, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 22,012,684 times
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The same as many women I suspect. I would like more cuddling afterwards, less going to sleep... And maybe a quicker "turnover". It seems men need more of a rest in between bouts of energetic sex !

And he always wants to go to sleep holding me and I just can't sleep with anyone cuddling me. I feel claustrophobic and hate it.
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Old 10-28-2010, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,684 posts, read 4,282,363 times
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You know, there IS no catch-all solution to this, and it's a problem I've heard about from women for years, ever since I first began to pay attention to this sort of thing: Intimacy, demonstrations of physical attraction which don't necessarily lead to sex.


I've given this a lot of thought over the years and I've come to realize there are a lot of factors at play.

First off, ladies, I'm sorry to state the obvious in so blunt a fashion but some men simply are not affectionate, just as some women aren't. I know this may seem obvious when put out there that way, but how does that leave the woman who is attached to an unaffectionate man to cope with her situation when that's the area in which she's feeling unsatisfied?

Second, there's the question of conditioning. Young men are ALL about the sex, and once the sex part is past then they can be more about the intimacy... until the batteries are recharged and the sex thing pops up again, pun most definitely intended. Because our earliest years are devoted to sex and because all associated activities lead to sex, we get a bit conditioned. Boobies mean sex... bare skin means sex... showing a bit of bush means sex... leaning up against us means you want to touch us... which means you WANT us... which means -- you guessed it: Sex.

I'm very sorry to say that in the case of men who simply aren't affectionate, I have no advice other than to evaluate WHY you're with him and determine whether it's worth it, and once you make your decision, stick to it.

In the cases of men who are at least somewhat affectionate but still tend to be geared toward sex, sex, sex when all you're looking for is the proverbial Golden Fleece of Cuddle Time, and compliments and casual-yet-meaningful touches, then I might offer some of you a bit of hope. This will require some patience on your part and will also likely require some sex on your part -- but even as a mere hope it's still better than what you've got right now, which is boob-grabbing and butt-squeezing and no affection or intimacy tied to it because those acts ARE (per your perceptions) the totality of male intimacy.

You've got to recondition your guy.

I'm not talking as though you're training a dog and I'm not talking about a total makeover and I'm not talking about forcing him to give up his masculinity; and for the love of all that is holy, I'm NOT talking about sitting him down for an intimate heart-to-heart about your feelings on the matter. That's the WRONG way to go about it.


I want you to stop and think about how you appreciate being treated. There are obviously some of you who believe you deserve to be treated like a princess, in which case feel free to get bent. For the realistic among you, stop and think about what makes you happiest in your marriages. Is it the grand gestures? Oh sure, those are nice, definitely. But on a day-to-day basis it's actually the little things which keep peace and happiness in the home.

A compliment here about how you look especially nice today... a little praise for your cooking... that moment when you catch him watching you and he says "I really love you"...

It's the small stuff which compounds over time and makes the difference.

Men are no different. We may express ourselves differently a great deal of the time but that's reliant on both personality AND societal expectations, same as for you all.

Stop thinking of us as alien creatures of whom you have no understanding and start thinking of us as MEN; and then realize men, while different, are not SO different we're inexplicable.

Ask yourself: How often do you compliment your guy? HOW do you compliment him? How often do you exercise your wifely right to touch him intimately rather than sexually? HOW do you do it?

Very often the compliments women enjoy are geared to both validate their worth overall AND to make them feel "womanly". Men are NO different. We hear about the Male ego all the time, typically in some condescending or even venomous fashion, but we're not allowed to approach the topic of the Female ego, let alone that women enjoy having their egos stroked just as often as do men.

Gear your compliments toward making him feel "pretty", or in his case handsome, attractive, masculine and admired. If that sounds needy then you're clearly ignoring the fact that you, too, enjoy those things.

Touch him intimately but in a non-sexual fashion: When he does something manly around the house, squeeze his bicep (or where it should be) and say "Oooo! Me likey!" Follow it up with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. Walk up behind him sometimes when he's doing something else (preferably non-electrical or non-power-tool-related) and just wrap your arms around him from behind, hug him, and when he asks what that was for, just smile and say "You know, sometimes you still make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside." It doesn't scream sex but it makes him feel like he does it for you.

Instead of telling your man you "want more intimacy from him" (which comes across as telling him he's NOT intimate or as a way of telling him he's lacking in a certain area or skill set) try sometime in the evening, when you KNOW he's just relaxing, sitting down and relaxing with him.

Sit down beside him, sidle up next to him, and without trying to rearrange his entire seating setup, pick up his arm, put it around yourself and lean into him -- face-forward and watching whatever he's watching. When he looks at you and asks what's up, instead of saying "I just want to be near you" or some variation, instead appeal to his sense of masculinity:

"I've always liked it when your arm is around me. It makes me feel cozy, safe. Sometimes I just like it when you hold me this way."

And go right on watching television.

For the record, Football and MMA shows are NOT a good time to do this.


This is just one scenario, there are countless variations; but the point is that you're simply letting it be rather than forcing it, moving slowly rather than turning it into an issue. Little by little, you just might find that he comes around, starts to see intimate touch differently.



For those of you who just read this and are rolling your eyes, saying "Oh, screw that -- that's too much work! Why should I have to cater to HIM?!?"... Well, You don't have to. You can continue exactly as you are now, because I'm sure that will prove MUCH more satisfying. It's YOUR life, not mine, and absolutely NO sweat off my brow or skin off my nose.
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Old 10-28-2010, 08:55 AM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
31,974 posts, read 36,604,313 times
Reputation: 38550
Great post Urb... from the mind of a smart & wise man.

In my younger days there was a girl I dated and our lust was sky high. We would actually have sex before we went out for the evening which helped calm down the lust factor and allowed us to concentrate on each other.

I'd recommend that to any woman who has a man with a high sex drive. Knock some out then go out for the evening, he will be much more romantic & laid back. Of course there are some men that if you start early, you never make it out the door.
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