I'm new and H cheated (children, call, divorce, affair)

[still hangin]

You guys are great! Thanks so much for all of your help. I hope that I can repay at some point,

You know, most of the time I'm okay in my marriage. It's when I have my alone moments, I start thinking of his A. It's when I'm with me. I just can't figure out which would be more painful, to stay with him, or to start all over without him. Being single sucks!! Been there, done that and I wasn't any good at it. Although, now that I'm wiser I do think I would be better at it.

[ibcwife]

Originally Posted by still hangin

Yes, I did have my head in the sand. Looking back there were so many signs but I never thought he would do this. His first wife cheated on him so we had many discussions on fidelity before we got married. When I found out about his A, he told me through his tears "As your best friend, I wouldn't advise you to stay." He was married the first time for 18 years, he swore that he was faithful, but his wife was not.

As I mentioned I've been through one divorce and it isn't easy. I wouldn't wish a divorce on my worst enemy. I'm close to 50 years old now and I truely don't want to live the rest of my life living alone and I can't imagine entering into another relationship with anyone. I have nothing left to give. I need help in making a decision, I guess. Should I stay or should I go? I do know that to leave, I loose a lot, to stay, things will be pretty much status quo. With that being said, I know the ultimate decision is mine. Also I wanted to clarify the "she reminded him of his daughter" When he told me that I looked at him shocked. He said "not like that" she was a girl who needed help in making life decisions, so he helped her with those. By the way, the girl was thinking about leaving her husband because he cheated, and she knowing that my husband went through this with his first wife, reached out to him for guidance, they became emotionally involved, the physical. Does that help with helping me?

I really do need some help here. So thank you for all of your input. I need to feal some of your 2X4s and also the other side of the coin - the part of in favor of keeping the marriage together. My christian friends tell me that it's all about forgiveness and that I should try to work out my marriage, but you know what, that's easy for them to say......

You know there are many pastors who get caught up in affairs for the same reasons. They try to councel someone and getting that involved into someone elses life that needs comforting... it gets difficult to see the line. I have read the entire first page of this thread.

I did the searching through everything infact, I got obsessed with it. Seems like I always found something questionable. Never solid proof... I have been married for 22 years and this started before we even got married. Finely, I gave my life over to Christ. I still searched thru his stuff... after a while I decided the way that I had been handleing it had not been working... when I finely gave it over to God to let Him handle it, He did. I figured that I had tried for 20 years my way.. and that had not worked. My husband gave His life over to Christ within 6 months of me turning him over to God. Is he perfect? NO... no one is. But I have prayed for God's will and since I have given up trying to deal with it on my own ... a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, and love and trust has taken it's place. I figure that God is the ultimate one that my husband will answer to for all of his actions.. and all I need to worry about are my own. I have also prayed that it would be made known to me if he was doing something.... that was soon after I gave him over to God... I don't even feel the need to pray that anymore.

Good luck on your decision.. I think that his repentant heart should tell you something.

[shuke]

Originally Posted by ibcwife

You know there are many pastors who get caught up in affairs for the same reasons. They try to councel someone and getting that involved into someone elses life that needs comforting... it gets difficult to see the line.

The pastor of my church had an interesting comment on this issue. He says "intimacy is intimacy", and an activity like praying with someone else is a form of intimacy. Presumably, so would talking with someone about the innermost emotions, as would occur in the process of counseling. But he said he limits the amount of such "intimate" time alone with a member of the opposite sex to no more than a minute.

Now, one could debate about how effectively he could counsel someone of the opposite sex like that.... perhaps the answer would be that people may be best counseled by members of their own sex. I know in AA, there's an unwritten - a suggestion - that people not sponsor others of the opposite sex for this very reason.

But the point was, the notion that "intimacy is intimacy" was one of those things that seemed to ring true with me as soon as I heard it.

[ibcwife]

Originally Posted by shuke

The pastor of my church had an interesting comment on this issue. He says "intimacy is intimacy", and an activity like praying with someone else is a form of intimacy. Presumably, so would talking with someone about the innermost emotions, as would occur in the process of counseling. But he said he limits the amount of such "intimate" time alone with a member of the opposite sex to no more than a minute.

Now, one could debate about how effectively he could counsel someone of the opposite sex like that.... perhaps the answer would be that people may be best counseled by members of their own sex. I know in AA, there's an unwritten - a suggestion - that people not sponsor others of the opposite sex for this very reason.

But the point was, the notion that "intimacy is intimacy" was one of those things that seemed to ring true with me as soon as I heard it.

I agree... women should council women, and men should council men. And if a pastor is going to council a woman, he should never conduct the session alone.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by still hangin

You guys are great! Thanks so much for all of your help. I hope that I can repay at some point,

You know, most of the time I'm okay in my marriage. It's when I have my alone moments, I start thinking of his A. It's when I'm with me. I just can't figure out which would be more painful, to stay with him, or to start all over without him. Being single sucks!! Been there, done that and I wasn't any good at it. Although, now that I'm wiser I do think I would be better at it.

Being single does not suck...when your alone with you, if you take time to read, to write, even if a journal...you become so indepent in your way of thinking...and as you said it best when you wrote "being alone with me" Honey, if you can do that and be comfortable with the company you keep, you will have made it....if you know you...your likes, your dislikes, your desires...you will pick a companion who is compatible with you both physically and mentally...not twins....but if he has what you have in common morally, your relationship is much more likely to suceed.

Life isn't about latching onto someone just so you don't have to be alone...that is the beginning of a catastrophe, and not fair to the other person, cause you can't change people to your way of thinking...

Seems to me, you don't even know who you are? You have to become aquainted with your likes, your dislikes, your moral fibers and your entire being and then learn how to not compromise them for anyone. It is a superb experience....when you explore you....enlightening....

If you end up with someone simply b/c your lonely, you'll choose any one, and that is not fair to either candidate, yanno?

Think about it....

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by shuke

The pastor of my church had an interesting comment on this issue. He says "intimacy is intimacy", and an activity like praying with someone else is a form of intimacy. Presumably, so would talking with someone about the innermost emotions, as would occur in the process of counseling. But he said he limits the amount of such "intimate" time alone with a member of the opposite sex to no more than a minute.

Now, one could debate about how effectively he could counsel someone of the opposite sex like that.... perhaps the answer would be that people may be best counseled by members of their own sex. I know in AA, there's an unwritten - a suggestion - that people not sponsor others of the opposite sex for this very reason.

But the point was, the notion that "intimacy is intimacy" was one of those things that seemed to ring true with me as soon as I heard it.

and I add....loving someone, anyone, could be akin to an intimacy...doesn't mean you should want them physically...but you well up and over with love...and we primitive as we are, mistake it for a sexual attraction, but it is not....I believe this is the kind of love that is meant for us to experience, but we humans are so human, we don't know how to handle it, when we feel it we mistake the emotion as a sexual intimacy that must be fulfilled, b/c we are sexually driven, granted some more then others...bottom line is...we are not animals, we are humans....and I believe we are here to procreate, otherwise we would not exist...but, on the other hand...learning to control our sexual desires can be a trying task...and if we learn to control that...we learn not to expect so much from others...and in that way, they have no expectations to live up to other then fidelity to the relationship. I don't know, just something I thought of for the moment?

[still hangin]

Where do I start? I did pray, for a good while. I asked God to give me wisdom and if there is something I need to see, let me see it. If he wants me to move from this relationship, open that door for me. I haven't seen anything and the door hasn't been opened. So, I conclude I'm where I should be.

My pastor told me the same thing. People get caught up in A easily when they begin counseling because the emotions run so heavy, it creates a need for each other so strong, it's difficult to resist. Even for pastors.

Cremebrulee, you are so right. I don't know who I am. I really don't have a strong opinion about anything. I can be persuaded easily and I know this to be a great fault of mine. I remember during my first divorce, my guilt and shame was so heavy, I would seek the companionship of my now H just to get rid of it. He was also going through something very similar. Again, the need to be needed. I want to make something clear. My husband I were together for more than 4 years before we were married. 2 years dating, 2 1/2 years engaged. He is so different from my first husband, wanted to do things with me, wanted to spend time with me, wanted to talk to me every time he could, unlike my first husband, and I enjoyed the attention. Little did I realize, that's his weakness, he must be needed. I suppose once we were married, we were together so the need to be needed wasn't that strong. Yeah, you are sooooo right, I have no idea what I want, what my likes and dislikes are, I'm trying to explore these things as I've always been someone's wife or someone's mother, never just me. (I got married at 19 years old).

When my husband and I were separated, we saw each other everyday and still were together every weekend so even though we had separate residences, we were always together. More out of fear, I think than anything. We were scared.

I think what I need to do is simply make up my mind and try to make the best of whatever my decision is. The problem with that is, I don't trust my decisions, I don't have a good track recor.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

[laughalot]

Originally Posted by kaykay

I don't think you hate him. I think you're just still working through anger issues. And that's probably not unusual at all. Yeah, obviously, trust does go out the window with an affair and it takes a long time to rebuild I think.

I went through the betrayal (supposedly not consummated) during our engagement only to be betrayed again down the road. I didn't even know it at the time, only recently did what happened in the dark come to the light. Now I wish I had realized that that kind of thing is most likely not a one time event. It's a character flaw IMO. I wonder if I hadn't caught him the first time if I'd ever even known about it? (I doubt it!) I haven't confronted him with the latest information, what's the use. I'm done with this when my ducks are in a row.

If I'm lucky enough to be in a mutually fun relationship following this chunk of my life you can bet it won't be with someone on whom I cannot depend....don't you think it's rather weak to say "she reminded me of my daughter, she was depressed, or whatever?" I don't say this to hurt your feelings but my fourteen year olds could come up with a better story than that! (Which may mean it's actually true, but even then, forget it for me!)

[Stonecoldharbours]

with all the diseases out there, I wouldn't take a cheater back, no way.

[still hangin]

Let me assure you, the first thing I did was have an exam to check for everything under the sun. I'm clean.

Pardon me, but unless you have been cheated on it would be very difficult to know exactly what you would do. My husband and I talked about cheating quite a bit before marriage and we both agreed that if we cheat, we know it's over, no turning back. Well, here we are. He cheated and I'm still with him. I wonder if the table was turned if he would have been here. I doubt it but luckily for him, I won't go down that road.

As far as him still cheating with the OW, nah, she moved across the country so she's long gone.