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By reviewing your interests, then finding an event that matches something you're interested in, and going?
I'm not speaking of parties, I'm speaking of social gatherings.
I was socially awkward for a time. I was a single child, with a step brother and step sister basically disowning me. It was incredibly difficult making friends when I was a child. Until I realized I had gifts as an athlete and started playing football and basketball I had no social skills. Sports forces you to develop social skills, even if you don't get along with your teammates, the team is striving for the same goal and that's winning a championship. I also had a hand in the 5th grade being forced to sit with another guy who was a lot more outgoing than I was and helped me a little further.
That's how I started developing my social skills. Social events will help you develop these skills. You just need to find events that relate to your hobbies and what you enjoy.
that makes sense yeah...but what kind of events are you talking about? could you please elaborate? and to anything social people always bring a friend...would it be okay if i went by myself?
that makes sense yeah...but what kind of events are you talking about? could you please elaborate? and to anything social people always bring a friend...would it be okay if i went by myself?
I don't know your hobbies, so I can't elaborate for you.
I love sports. I will go to sports bars by myself and watch the games and be social with other people. Hell I play a card game and will go to game events and meet all kinds of people. Some are obviously introverted, some dress strangely, some just look like normal people.
I go eat at a restaurant by myself sometimes. Every saturday I'm with a small group of 3-4 friends(including myself) but during the week? I'm a loner and if I don't feel like cooking, I'm going to a sit down restaurant with average prices to eat. I will typically talk to anyone next to me. Man or woman, married or gay, it doesn't bother me. If you think about it, you only live if you're communicating. When you're not talking you're a statue. Who wants to be a statue?
Start attending support groups. Testicular cancer, blood parasites, debtors anonymous, tuberculosis, etc. Doesn't matter whether or not you really have any of the above mentioned. If you are really quiet there, people will always assume the worst and shower you with love and attention.
Last edited by Philosophizer; 05-22-2011 at 05:53 PM..
please help. how can i start to FINALLY build a social life for myself? i dont want to miss out on life anymore. i want friends and love and to belong to a community . i will suffocate and wither away if i keep going on like this...
Once upon a time I was you.
The thing I did was start doing stuff on my own. Expand your horizons. Generally I would go out into the world on my own to look around; go on vacations to a variety of places; spontaneously go for a drive and end up somewhere (i.e. a weekend roadtrip); go to concerts and movies for entertainment; ride my mountain bike for fitness; pursue hobbies like photography; etc. Doing this made me more interesting, a better storyteller (so to speak). People were interested in what I did and curious about my latest adventures. And because I took a camera everywhere I went, the photos were a good storytelling tool.
After a while...people wanted to know me and connect with me. They would suggest good riding trails and/or group rides. They would say, "It's Ed's birthday - we're riding along the river to the beach. Can you go?" Sometimes, "You're going - right?" Or, they would say, "If you like photography, you should talk/meet 'this' person." Or, "Hey, if you like that kind of music, there is this festival on xx date..."
And I engaged them to get to know them and asked the 'what, when, how, and where' of the things they were doing. I soon found myself being invited to things theywere doing and meeting their friends and doing more stuff just by asking. Things like, "Hey, I've been to the Grand Canyon several times but never hiked to the bottom. I heard you guys are going on a hiking trip this Spring to the bottom - it's a 4-day weekend...can I come along?" Unless the event was booked, there was usually room for one more...
Like that.
Like a snowball my circle of friends and activities expanded because I was interesting and I was genuinely interested in who they are. It has been superfun...!!
you definitely need to develop your social skills. But first you need to work on your emotional state as you are too afraid and anxious and feeling down about things to even try to be social. Since ur not making any money u should qualify for government medical insurance. Use that to see a psychologist and get therapy. I would advise outdoor activities for you, like hiking or jogging. Join a running club or jogging club. There are community activities and such that welcome people. Maybe try volunteering at a senior center. There are elderlies that would love to have visitors that wouldnt judge you.
that makes sense yeah...but what kind of events are you talking about? could you please elaborate? and to anything social people always bring a friend...would it be okay if i went by myself?
there are clubs out there for anything you can think of. "Book reading", "Dog grooming", "hiking", "Bike riding" you could become a groupy and follow a band. Pick 3 activities and pursue them. Attack and be bigger than life and you may have regrets but not the regret of never doing!
What is interesting to you? what do you read about or watch on TV?
so, for some reason, as an attractive 24 for year old a year out of college, i have wound up in a situation where i have no friends. in fact, i never really had friends- at least, i have not during the past 8 years that i have lived in the U.S.
i spent the two years of high school i attended here as a phantom. nobody knew me- i didnt know anyone. i spent lunch time at the library or in the school bathrooms. i made like 2 friends but both were socially awkward and weird and not the kind of people i wanted to hang out with. those i wanted to hang out with, i felt i wasn't good enough to approach. so i kept myself away and ended up in a self defeated prophecy where i was a loner. my lack of a social life affected my grades- almost flunked out because i was so depressed. studying was farr farr from my mind. all i wanted was friends and to fit in and belong.
after graduating i promptly enrolled in community college.i was more depressed than ever because i wanted the traditional four year college experience but i messed up my one shot to do it by screwing up high school. also, the ghetto-street smart crowd was so foreign and alien to me. i was hesitant to make friends and simply didn't even know how to make friends. 2 years later i graduated with like 2 friends and without having experienced anything kids my age did.
i transferred to a four year university after, and things didn't improve much at all. i had by this point missed out on the two years worth of heavy socializing experience everyone else on the campus had participated in. to make matters worse, my housing situation didn't help even though i had opted to live in a dorm just to meet more people. i chose to live in university owned apts for upperclassmen where i thought id be forced to mingle and socialize with others. turned out people who lived in university apt were either socially inept or wanted to live with their friends. i ended up living with a wild party girl who was never around and a awkward hermit who never left her room. i was new on campus, stuck in an apartment with two strange girls who hindered rather than helped my socializing. i didn't know anyone and i didnt know how to get to know people. my social ineptness was definitely pronounced now and i was scared of making a fool of myself; i withdrew myself into my room and spent hours on the computer.
next year things got a bit better- i hung out with my new roommate and her friends but she was always awkward about me not having any friends in college even though i was there a year before. this year was definitely better than my last 3 years of college but i didnt have time to seriously bond with people and it went by in a blur.
so here i am 4 years after college- which is supposed to be the easiest time to socialize-without friends or any romantic relationships. i constantly beat myself up over my social ineptness and how i missed the amazing social opportunities presented to me during that time. i am hurting with tons of regret and am so depressed over it i can't get out of bed some days.
please help. how can i start to FINALLY build a social life for myself? i dont want to miss out on life anymore. i want friends and love and to belong to a community . i will suffocate and wither away if i keep going on like this...
I think that you should consider some counseling. I am impressed that you have identified the issue honestly and feel that a professional would be able to help you greatly. You may being having some depression causing the social thing, so perhaps the problem is one and the other is a symptom.....but which one?
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is not your fault; you are just a person who did not have the experiences most Americans have and you are at a disadvantage in many social situations. It seems like you might also have a problem with depression. I would advise you to see if there is any type of pro bono therapy or help in your area. I'd also say do not come across as too desperate when socializing or aloof, which is hard when you are lonely and looking to meet people. I also started to read a helpful book called "Conversationally Speaking," which is direct and helpful in social and empathizing skills; it is for honest people, not a manual for Machiavellian salesmen, don't worry. Feel free to message me privately if you'd like.
thanks so much for all your thoughtful responses and suggestions. i wanted to update you on a new dilemma that i have figured out only today. on friday i was emailed an invitation to a cookout party that a couple of my fellow interns were hosting. one of the girls that i am the most close to invited me upon being asked by the others to spread the news to other people in the office. i was excited to get an invitation. then this girl drops out because she realized she had family engagement at the same hour. one of the other girls who i bumped into the kitchen later chatted some and said "see you on sunday!".
however. i spent all day today agonizing about whether i should go or not. i mean i knew the other girls but not enough where i thought they would have actively invited had it not been for that girl who did. so now she wasnt going and i thought it would be terribly awkward to go by myself and mingle with the other girls who may or may not have wanted me there.
it took me all day but i decided to not go. and now im kicking myself about it because ive been so terribly lonely lately and when i got what seemed like a fun social invitation i turned it down based on ridiculous fears of being awkward or something.
does this mean i have social anxiety disorder? is that at the heart of my social troubles?
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i will suffocate and wither away if i keep going on like this...
then this girl drops out because she realized she had family engagement at the same hour. one of the other girls who i bumped into the kitchen later chatted some and said "see you on sunday!". 
