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I used to date a guy that was an abuser. But I did not know it, or see it, even. He was very charming and polite. He threatened to kill a family member if I did something that he didn't want anyone to know about. This disturbed me greatly and I told him that I had to leave him because this was not love. He said he didn't mean it and was just very charming all around, so I stayed with him. He never him me, so I thought abuse was when a man would hit a woman. But he was extremely well versed in manipulation, and later in emotional abuse. It's hard to see what is happening when it is happening to you. The abuser doesn't have all the characteristics, only some. And they are usually very good at hiding their lizard-like tail.
A person needs to leave a relationship at the first threat of violence. Agreed that it needs to be taken very seriously, even if the guy (or gal) later claims that they did not mean it or it was said out stress, frustration, etc. There is no excuse to make such threats towards someone 'loved'. If they truly loved you, they would end the relationship and seek help BEFORE they make true on their threats.
My comments in red.
Agreed on this statement. As to the rest, what Mr. Cat posted are actual warning signs. It's really more about the degree of these behaviors. Abusers typically exhibit several of these behaviors, not just one, to a degree that is harmful and dangerous. We're not talking PMS or someone who falls in love quickly with everyone he/she knows because he/she is just needy and lonely. I think most people experience some jealousy at some point. It doesn't make everyone lock their partner away or beat them because they looked in the direction of someone of the opposite sex.
I think tha strangest thing, is how it starts slowly. And they seem to justify it...for example, my ex, always wanted to know where I was, all the time. Once, I left my cell phone off, and when I got home, he went crazy, because he could not reach me. And he would look at my cell phone, to see who I called...and it just kept going...and things escalate...and you just keep trying to make him happy, to "keep" the peace...until you feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time, because you nevver know what will set him off.
I went on one date, and one date only, with someone who seemed very bossy and controlling. At one point when I was counting the money that we were paying for dinner with and I miss-counted and then started to recount, she grabbed the money from me and started counting herself (I was thinking to myself: have a little patience!) Anyway, this same person started telling me that I say "um huh" and "yeah" too much and that I should work on that as it's not really proper to say. Needless to say that was the only date!!
What's the source or is this just signs of an abuser based on your opinion. I agree with all of them.
Don't you think #17 and #14 are are kind of obvious. I wouldn't take that as a warning sign.
This was a great post to put out there. Just want to add a reminder that emotional/verbal abuse does not have to be overtly nasty (e.g., calling you ugly names). Blaming and constant criticism of everything you do... just a more 'socially acceptable' way to pull off the mindf*ck.
The poster you quoted is right.
Warning signs generally are subtle. These are stages that precede full blown abuse. 17.Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck." 14.Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse (http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/warning.htm - broken link)
The abusive man:
shows extreme jealousy and wants to keep the woman isolated.
has an inability to cope with stress and shows a lack of impulse control. (This may not necessarily appear outside the home)
has a poor self-image and blames others for problems.
shows severe mood swings.
may have a history of abuse in his own family and may have been abusive in courtship.
presents a history of personal and/or family discord; unemployment, cruelty to animals, abuse of alcohol or other substances, and other unexplained behavior.
The abused woman:
shows guilt, ambivalence, and fear over living conditions.
feels isolated and untrusting of others, even though she may be involved in the community.
is emotionally and economically dependent.
has a poor self-concept (this may not have been true BEFORE the relationship).
has observed other women in her family being abused or may have been abused as a child.
1.Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 3 months. Not sure everyone falls in love the same way. Or as fast it takes years to truly know someone.
2.Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says she's/he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.
My wife says that of me. I just would like her to be home when she says. I also prefer for her to answer her phone when she can Especially when my children are with her. She doesen't work and I give her complete control over the money. I ask her when I need money.
3.Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed. My also says this of me. I don't like the fact that she was married before I was also. I don't like to think of her being intimate with another man. So if I find her yacking on Face book to an old lover Yes I will be angry.
4.Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence. I Only have some Self worth issues and that mainly deals with her past not mine.
5.Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems. I drink somtimes too much for her liking. I don't force her to. I been called a drunk by both wives but I ain't
6.Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. She's/He's displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you. I am a man I have done many things I was raised rather harshly but I am okay I love my kids and wife and support them but I don't wanna talk about things. When I am really angry get away leave me alone I will be okay but don't say things to make me angry and you don't have to worry just stop talking
7.Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him/her and she's/he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior. Only when it is true and yes if you are the one who makes me angry you are responsible for that.
8.Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores. Berates friends and family. Yes when I request the house clean and the children to do their chores I will rant I do whoever help I just try to get her to help me. If things are going my way which they should I am happy. I deal with stress at work tomake us money to live I don't want it at home.
9.Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. Yes me again ,but if you don't aggravate and everything is smooth and planned out well I am a great guy I don't like drama.
10.Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend. Helping clean the house taking care of chores etc. Is not unrealistic. neither is sex a few times a week.
11.Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation. No she can go as she pleases as long as it ain't gonna put her in danger or be considered some form of adultry. She runs the roost I am always at work.
12.Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture. No I am not that way really she always tells me I am the bad christian and throws scripture in my face.I got her Daddy to thank for that he is a minister and thinks I am of the Devil.
13.Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bytch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens. Well when it comes to driving and building things or common sense and certain problem solving skills . But women are not inferior just wired and plumbed up different.
14.Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you. She says this too I don't call her names she calls me names.I don't consider asking someone to help keep up a house is abuse. I do ride her kinda hard about her younger promiscious years tho. This is my biggest issue it makes me sick.
15.Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a w-h-o-r-e," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids." No not me at all She can go and do as she sees fit just let me know and answer the phone.
16.Past Domestic Violence History. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women emotionally and physically in the past, domestic violence criminal history but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive My ex wife tells her I was very abusive mainly verbal I did grab my Ex by the neck once when I found out she was having multiple affairs.
17.Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."
Her sister and my Ex put alot of things in her head she has learned alot of words or terms from them Like controlling,Jealous , Abusive and uncaring. well whatever we all have issues.
Last edited by hivoltage; 11-08-2010 at 03:35 AM..
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