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Old 10-31-2010, 10:31 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,002 posts, read 17,414,522 times
Reputation: 5398

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Red flags

1.Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 3 months.

2.Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says she's/he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.

3.Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

4.Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.

5.Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

6.Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. She's/He's displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.

7.Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him/her and she's/he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.

8.Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores. Berates friends and family.

9.Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys.

10.Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

11.Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.

12.Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

13.Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bytch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.

14.Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

15.Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a w-h-o-r-e," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

16.Past Domestic Violence History. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women emotionally and physically in the past, domestic violence criminal history but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive


17.Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Canada
3,432 posts, read 2,931,794 times
Reputation: 2186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Cat View Post
Red flags

1.Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 3 months.

2.Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says she's/he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.

3.Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

4.Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.

5.Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

6.Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. She's/He's displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.

7.Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him/her and she's/he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.

8.Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores. Berates friends and family.

9.Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys.

10.Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

11.Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.

12.Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

13.Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bytch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.

14.Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

15.Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a w-h-o-r-e," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

16.Past Domestic Violence History. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women emotionally and physically in the past, domestic violence criminal history but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive


17.Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."

What's the source or is this just signs of an abuser based on your opinion. I agree with all of them.
Don't you think #17 and #14 are are kind of obvious. I wouldn't take that as a warning sign.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,002 posts, read 17,414,522 times
Reputation: 5398
Based on what I have seen and my opinion as well.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:51 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,262,913 times
Reputation: 1701
*feels mr cats forehead* Are you alright? You never post serious threads.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Canada
3,432 posts, read 2,931,794 times
Reputation: 2186
I was thinking the same thing paganmama
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:58 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,002 posts, read 17,414,522 times
Reputation: 5398
Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
*feels mr cats forehead* Are you alright? You never post serious threads.
Never say NEVER.
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,002 posts, read 17,414,522 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalan View Post
I was thinking the same thing paganmama
I don't pay you to think, see what happens when you do.
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:14 AM
 
525 posts, read 1,153,566 times
Reputation: 394
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Cat View Post
Based on what I have seen and my opinion as well.

I agree. Seen it happened to a close friend of mine and he displayed some of the characteristics you listed.
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:15 AM
Status: "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,939 posts, read 17,970,366 times
Reputation: 8625
Excellent post, Mr. Cat.

One thing to consider - there are certain personalities that, even if they know these warning signs and see them in their man, they feel they are helpless to do anything to save themselves - sort of a Stockholm Syndrome applied to relationships. They begin to believe everything that is said to them or done to them is their fault. They begin to rely upon their man to tell them how to live their life in every smallest detail. Rescuing someone like this from a downward spiral is far more difficult than a more balanced personality type.
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,002 posts, read 17,414,522 times
Reputation: 5398
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
Excellent post, Mr. Cat.

One thing to consider - there are certain personalities that, even if they know these warning signs and see them in their man, they feel they are helpless to do anything to save themselves - sort of a Stockholm Syndrome applied to relationships. They begin to believe everything that is said to them or done to them is their fault. They begin to rely upon their man to tell them how to live their life in every smallest detail. Rescuing someone like this from a downward spiral is far more difficult than a more balanced personality type.

Agreed 200%.
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