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I moved to this city to start graduate school 3 years ago. I met my boyfriend at school 2 years ago and we've been dating for about 1.5 years. He's 2 years younger than me and I'm 25 now. About 2 months ago I moved in with him, and he pays most of the bills for us. He says he loves me, and I know he cares about me.
Right now he is considering moving to another city for a job. I talked about marriage with him, he said he wants career and success first, and will consider marriage whenever he has achievement and money. He made it clear that he won't want to get married before he's 30, that he won't set a time line for marriage, and he asks me for more patience.
I mean, my family is putting a lot of pressure on me (they don't care whom I get married to, they just want me to be married soon after I get out of school). I really want to have a family and kids in the next 3-5 years.
I don't know why I'm getting anxious about my bf's statements - the fact that he says he's not in a rush for marriage just freaks me out. What happens if I keep waiting for him, and when I'm getting older and older, he's just not ready to even consider marriage?
Should I leave the relationship since we are going to be apart anyway? Or should I stay and just wait for him indefinitely?
My suggestion is don't live on your family's terms for you (only you know who you'll marry and when you'll get married) and don't put yourself on hold for the next five years for this guy. Don't do it. There are a lot more guys you can meet in the next five years. Don't sell yourself short. Five years is a good chunk of time.
Stop living for your family and stop waiting for this boyfriend. Go out and live your life. It's your life, not any of theirs. Be the change you want to see in the world...good luck. It's hard, but just put one foot in front of the other and keep going!
I think it isn't that he won't be ready for marriage but rather he won't be ready for marriage with you.
People do what they want to do.
He is not expressing any interest in anything long term with you. perhaps he needs the jolt to not have you available and see if it strikes his desire to realize the value in what he has or simply free you to stop wasting your time.
Hard choice but the reality seems clear.as harsh as it might be to say. Either way you will be better off. if you want marriage why waste 5 more years of your life for nothing?
You almost make it seem like guys can't be friends with girls. What would be wrong with establishing a better friendship, even if they don't get married?
You should probably just dump the guy and move on. You're wasting your time with him. If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't really care for you and he isn't all that sure about you. Your relationship isn't really going to go anywhere. His comment about wanting a career and success first is lame, nothing is more important than a happy marriage and family, that just shows that he's not a family and marriage kind of a person. He's 23, he should already be in his career if he wanted one so badly.
I noticed you mentioned wanting children in the next few years, if this guy doesn't want to marry you, he probably won't want be that great of a father to your children, it sounds like he's very immature. And especially if he doesn't want to get married at past 30 or so, then you would be in your 30s as well when you get married, which would mean having children in your mid 30s. Too late to marry and have children, your chances of having a baby starts to decrease slowly in your late 20s. Do you want to be raising teenagers when you're in your 50s?
Dude, you gotta grow up or move to a big city or something, I don't mean that in an offensive way but you have some really skewed perspectives about the realities facing us, the younger generation, today.
I don't know anyone who had even a marginally successful career at age 23 and in my high school class, we were the first ever at this private school with a 100% graduation rate. We had kids go to top colleges around the nation, and of the people I know from my high school class still (it was small, 242), I would legitimately say that at least 50% went on to graduate school for further education, meaning they weren't even going to get out of school and start a career until at least 26 / 27. Some are still there now. Of my close friends, one went to film school for animation, another went to film school for directing, another went to med school and has now graduated as a doctor but is in the first of four years of internships, and only one I can think of didn't go to extra school, he worked at Microsoft for a while, and had an established career to some extent in his early 20s but moved companies. Another friend actually went to work for Intel but then went back to night school trying to move up to the management ranks. Several casual friends went to law school and only recently graduated, still haven't found work as lawyers either one of them. Ouch.
Most people who are 23 do not have an established career, and unless you're a professional athlete or musician or amazingly successful actor, that's pretty unlikely. If you want to make it as a film director, which was my goal, you know you're looking at working your butt off until your mid-30s to make any significant impact, most likely. If you're really fortunate maybe late 20s.
And no, there is nothing wrong with a guy putting his career first, most guys who aren't pansies are career-oriented, they aren't girls, so they didn't play with Barbie when they grew up and dream of having babies. It's very responsible for a guy to want an established career and some degree of success before he considers marriage. I wish more young people had that level of maturity. Nothing is more important in life than having a career where you feel you're making a difference and pursuing your goals. You won't be happy without that.
I moved to this city to start graduate school 3 years ago. I met my boyfriend at school 2 years ago and we've been dating for about 1.5 years. He's 2 years younger than me and I'm 25 now. About 2 months ago I moved in with him, and he pays most of the bills for us. He says he loves me, and I know he cares about me.
Right now he is considering moving to another city for a job. I talked about marriage with him, he said he wants career and success first, and will consider marriage whenever he has achievement and money. He made it clear that he won't want to get married before he's 30, that he won't set a time line for marriage, and he asks me for more patience.
I mean, my family is putting a lot of pressure on me (they don't care whom I get married to, they just want me to be married soon after I get out of school). I really want to have a family and kids in the next 3-5 years.
I don't know why I'm getting anxious about my bf's statements - the fact that he says he's not in a rush for marriage just freaks me out. What happens if I keep waiting for him, and when I'm getting older and older, he's just not ready to even consider marriage?
Should I leave the relationship since we are going to be apart anyway? Or should I stay and just wait for him indefinitely?
This is a great time to break up.
If your family is putting pressure on you then you probably then put that same pressure on him. That is a good way to push someone away.
First, fix your family. You will get married when you want. Second, you need to break up with him if he is moving and has no intention of furthering a relationship with you in the future.
I would say, 'Well, give me a call when you are rich and successful then. Until then, I hope I don't get snatched up by another guy in the mean time.'
firstly tell your family to back off, its none of their buisness who to or when you get married...
secondly...
it seems you 2 are in completly different places, he wants a career, a life and has no interest in marriage before hes 30 (mabe never) which given this information im asusming kids in his books are out of the question too...
you however have a ticking biological clock and want your first baby in the next 3-5 years...
so my suggestion to you would be to figure out whats more important...
is this THE guy, the one you would wait forever for, the one who you would put off having kids for...or is settling down and starting a family more important to you than waiting for the next 5+ yrs (and still him possibly not being ready yet)
i dated a guy for 5 years before he decided he was no longer happy...
i had no desire to push the situation then figuring hey affter 5 years we might as well be married...
turns out hes not interested in settling down (or being faithfull) and i can honeslty say after literally wasting 5 years of my life with his bull....i will never give a guy that long to mess me around again...
Dude, you gotta grow up or move to a big city or something, I don't mean that in an offensive way but you have some really skewed perspectives about the realities facing us, the younger generation, today.
I don't know anyone who had even a marginally successful career at age 23 and in my high school class, we were the first ever at this private school with a 100% graduation rate. We had kids go to top colleges around the nation, and of the people I know from my high school class still (it was small, 242), I would legitimately say that at least 50% went on to graduate school for further education, meaning they weren't even going to get out of school and start a career until at least 26 / 27. Some are still there now. Of my close friends, one went to film school for animation, another went to film school for directing, another went to med school and has now graduated as a doctor but is in the first of four years of internships, and only one I can think of didn't go to extra school, he worked at Microsoft for a while, and had an established career to some extent in his early 20s but moved companies. Another friend actually went to work for Intel but then went back to night school trying to move up to the management ranks. Several casual friends went to law school and only recently graduated, still haven't found work as lawyers either one of them. Ouch.
Most people who are 23 do not have an established career, and unless you're a professional athlete or musician or amazingly successful actor, that's pretty unlikely. If you want to make it as a film director, which was my goal, you know you're looking at working your butt off until your mid-30s to make any significant impact, most likely. If you're really fortunate maybe late 20s.
And no, there is nothing wrong with a guy putting his career first, most guys who aren't pansies are career-oriented, they aren't girls, so they didn't play with Barbie when they grew up and dream of having babies. It's very responsible for a guy to want an established career and some degree of success before he considers marriage. I wish more young people had that level of maturity. Nothing is more important in life than having a career where you feel you're making a difference and pursuing your goals. You won't be happy without that.
The issue isn't whether her boyfriend is right or wrong in wanting a career, etc. I hope he achieves everything he wants in life.
There is also nothing wrong with a young woman wanting to have a family. And woman have a MUCH smaller window of opportunity to realize those dreams. A young woman who hopes to be a mother simply can't afford to invest several years of her most fertile (and most beautiful) years on a man who is stringing her along. The consequences for her will be great.
She is taking a foolish risk with this guy and is at risk of throwing away her life dreams while waiting around for him to make good on his (empty) promises.
Well dump him now. If he isnt that into you he is probably looking at someone else. I 41 and now these things cuz im guilty of it. Im sorry to tell you this.I see your family is pressureing you well dont wait to long. Find a nice guy and settle down have a family. This is what i wany anyways. It is so nice to come home to someone you love and dont ever raise your voice to him. I never do i just simply walk away. I work at refinerys as a welder and change jobs n location every 8 weeks. It is very hard on a relationship ive been dumped,cheated on to many times i cant count.
And no, there is nothing wrong with a guy putting his career first, most guys who aren't pansies are career-oriented, they aren't girls, so they didn't play with Barbie when they grew up and dream of having babies. It's very responsible for a guy to want an established career and some degree of success before he considers marriage.
Just to let you know, I resent the statement above. I'm a male, 22-ish yo, played with Barbies and dreamed (and still dreaming) of having babies. However, I'm career-oriented in the fact that I want to have kids someday, but will delay being in a relationship or getting married until I'm financially stable
And "most guys that are not pansies" are currently working at dead-end jobs
Just to let you know, I resent the statement above. I'm a male, 22-ish yo, played with Barbies and dreamed (and still dreaming) of having babies. However, I'm career-oriented in the fact that I want to have kids someday, but will delay being in a relationship or getting married until I'm financially stable
And "most guys that are not pansies" are currently working at dead-end jobs
*pukes* No, I don't think so, haha.
Barbies? Dreamed of "having babies"? Wow, I think I just threw up whatever I ate today. Thanks for the diet help.
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