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Old 11-04-2010, 12:23 AM
 
7 posts, read 5,175 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi,
[SIZE=2]I posted this in the parenting forum because I did not see this forum until someone mentioned it. So I apologize for posting in both forums.

I am 39, my husband is 43, we have been married for eight years. This is my first marriage I do not have any children. My husband was married with two kids from his previous, one his, one from her previous, he adopted. His children are grown now. My husband had a vasectomy when he was married before due to health reasons his x wife had. I thought I was ok not having kids of my own but now I want to have a child. However, my husband said he would rather get a divorce then have a child, he's been there, done that does not want to do it again. He said I married him knowing he had a vasectomy. Which is true but my heart has changed regarding having a child. I admit my husband and I did not talk the situation through before we got married. He said he had a vasectomy, I said that's OK, I never really wanted kids anyway. Short and sweet, that was all that was ever said before we married. In the back of my mind I thought vasectomy's are reversible, also there is sperm retrieval or adoption. As much as he loves kids I never dreamed if I decided having children was important that he would be against all forms of having more children, even adoption. Obviously that was a conversation we should have had in our very short engagement.
I have been thinking about this for a few years. At first I thought it was hormones and would go away. As the years passed it just got worse and it has become very important. I have talked to him about it all along but only really seriously for a couple months. I know that it sounds silly that by 30 I did not know what I wanted. Course most women are married well before thirty. I joke that I procrastinate everything. Of course I would wait till I was late thirties! LOL! It took me being married and living the married life to realize that children are important to me. Marriage has changed me a lot. I guess you could say I got domesticated!
I realize that I am the one that changed here. I posted hoping to get feedback from women that have been through similar or know women that have. Maybe hearing from a older women, that can say, this is what I did and I am glad I did, or I regret this... Maybe hearing from a women that is in a situation similar now. I would like to hear opinions. Thank you for "listening".
[/SIZE]
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Old 11-04-2010, 12:38 AM
 
Location: In my skin
8,067 posts, read 9,260,796 times
Reputation: 7953
I have never been in your particular situation, but I know how age and experience can change a person. Don't beat yourself up for now having those maternal urges. It's not something you can control. But it does look like you have a decision to make. He made it clear he didn't want any more kids, so he's not at fault either and you have acknowledged that. Still doesn't make things easier. I wish I had an answer for you.

I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.
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Old 11-04-2010, 11:45 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,173 posts, read 57,238,212 times
Reputation: 38453
Quote:
Originally Posted by pray4miracle View Post
Hi,
[SIZE=2]I posted this in the parenting forum because I did not see this forum until someone mentioned it. So I apologize for posting in both forums. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I am 39, my husband is 43, we have been married for eight years. This is my first marriage I do not have any children. My husband was married with two kids from his previous, one his, one from her previous, he adopted. His children are grown now. My husband had a vasectomy when he was married before due to health reasons his x wife had. I thought I was ok not having kids of my own but now I want to have a child. However, my husband said he would rather get a divorce then have a child, he's been there, done that does not want to do it again. He said I married him knowing he had a vasectomy. Which is true but my heart has changed regarding having a child. I admit my husband and I did not talk the situation through before we got married. He said he had a vasectomy, I said that's OK, I never really wanted kids anyway. Short and sweet, that was all that was ever said before we married. In the back of my mind I thought vasectomy's are reversible, also there is sperm retrieval or adoption. As much as he loves kids I never dreamed if I decided having children was important that he would be against all forms of having more children, even adoption. Obviously that was a conversation we should have had in our very short engagement. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I have been thinking about this for a few years. At first I thought it was hormones and would go away. As the years passed it just got worse and it has become very important. I have talked to him about it all along but only really seriously for a couple months. I know that it sounds silly that by 30 I did not know what I wanted. Course most women are married well before thirty. I joke that I procrastinate everything. Of course I would wait till I was late thirties! LOL! It took me being married and living the married life to realize that children are important to me. Marriage has changed me a lot. I guess you could say I got domesticated! [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]I realize that I am the one that changed here. I posted hoping to get feedback from women that have been through similar or know women that have. Maybe hearing from a older women, that can say, this is what I did and I am glad I did, or I regret this... Maybe hearing from a women that is in a situation similar now. I would like to hear opinions. Thank you for "listening".[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]

As a woman who ALWAYS knew I wanted kids I can sympathize with you over the strong feelings you are now dealing with.

BUT, your husband was very clear on this issue with you from the git go - he's "been there and done that" and now has zero interest in starting over. Frankly at his age I can understand why.

YOU have a tough choice to make, and I wish you loads of luck in making it.

You either have to accept that you will never have kids with this man and go on with your life together, OR you must leave him and strike out on your own. Staying with him and building up resentment against him is not a good plan, for you or for him.

So, which one can you really live without - your husband, or kids?
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Old 11-05-2010, 12:41 AM
 
8,681 posts, read 7,820,888 times
Reputation: 14954
There's no easy way to say this, but he'd be well within his rights to divorce you. That's what I did when my ex-husband decided he wanted kids after all. "Kthxbai!" *boot*

Keep in mind that you are 39. By the time you get divorced, heal, meet someone appropriate who wants to have kids, and so on, you're going to be pushing your mid-40s.

Yes, yes, movie stars have kids well into their 40s all the time, but unless you are in superb physical condition and you aren't entering perimenopause by the time you get situated, you're looking at adoption. In your 40s, good luck with that.

I hate to sound cold, but unless you find a single dad, you're kind of SOL.
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Old 11-05-2010, 08:24 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,078 posts, read 8,889,083 times
Reputation: 3620
While I do empathize with your feelings on the matter your husband is right to not go along with what you want. He's right in that you knew getting into it he already had kids, had a vasectomy and didn't want anymore kids. It's the same reason I involved myself with my b/f. He didn't have kids, I was done having kids and the kids were well on their way to adulthood when we met which allows us to have a good life kid-free, financially and emotionally it was what was best for me to not get involved with a man who had children.

I get that now you want to have kids and all but your husband has very valid points and the fact still remains that he has a right to stick to his guns. If you pressure him about kids, he will divorce you. I've seen it happen with friends of ours. And Avienne is totally correct. Think about it logically, you are already pushing 40, you get divorced, you will be rushing into a relationship because you are going to be desperate to have kids, and IF you have kids, how health of a relationship are you going to be in and EVEN if you find someone in a year or two, it's going to be a year or two before THAT person wants to have kids.

I think you really need to think about what's most important here. Maybe volunteer for an orphanage or something where you get a little bit of wanting kids out of your system but I don't think it's fair to pressure your husband.
Just being honest here..
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Old 11-05-2010, 12:12 PM
 
7,533 posts, read 6,284,112 times
Reputation: 6688
Ouch.

I am his age and I will tell you...I would not want to do it all over again.
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Old 11-05-2010, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,078 posts, read 8,889,083 times
Reputation: 3620
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
Ouch.

I am his age and I will tell you...I would not want to do it all over again.
Thanks for posting this. I think it's valuable information coming from a mans POV.
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