What to do with women who shut down (kinda long) (wife, married)

[MattB4]

Sounds like entrenched positions. Not knowing all the issues all I can go by is what you posted. In order to break from the bunker you may need to stop trying to get your point across. The more you force her to open up the more she will retreat. And if she feels cornered, she will attack like any cornered animal does to save itself. That does not mean anything if you understand that survival is a basic right. It almost always ends quickly if there is a out given.

You may need to try a completely different method when a disagreement arises. Either agree with out reservation (do not restate her words that just annoys people) or retreat yourself. It is possible she simply needs more time to work through her emotions on whatever the issue in contention is.

Communication will exist once you both let go of whatever it is that is hurting. Both of you need to do this since you have a child. The child should not have to grow up with its parents constantly at logger heads.

Good luck.

[GeorgeLucasLongLostChin]

Originally Posted by Ceece

How come you have a kid and aren't married? That right there says a lot about you both and it's not great. If you feel disrespected by that statement...oh well.

Ok, I've had enough of people who turn EVERY single thread into a marriage thread.

Listen buddy/lady, I don't live in the Bible belt and I'm not even american. Where I live, traditions like marriage are really just a question of preference and nobody cares. Married people here don't have that holier-than-thou attitude, unless they're part of a sect.

People who get married have the exact same rate of success/failure than non-married people, kids or not.

Stop being so judgemental with your traditions and beliefs. You derail the subject.

BTW, we're both atheists so what's the point of marrying in the first place?

[GeorgeLucasLongLostChin]

Originally Posted by cuinlalaland

All I can say is: It takes two.

You say she is petty and immature and yet you call the mother of your child a "puny child". Nicely done.

English is my second language. Puny makes no sense upon review. I thought it was a synonym of petty.

And no, it doesn't always take two. Consider this an hyperbolic comparison, but would you say wives of abusive husbands brought it upon themselves?

[GeorgeLucasLongLostChin]

Originally Posted by MattB4

Sounds like entrenched positions. Not knowing all the issues all I can go by is what you posted. In order to break from the bunker you may need to stop trying to get your point across. The more you force her to open up the more she will retreat. And if she feels cornered, she will attack like any cornered animal does to save itself. That does not mean anything if you understand that survival is a basic right. It almost always ends quickly if there is a out given.

You may need to try a completely different method when a disagreement arises. Either agree with out reservation (do not restate her words that just annoys people) or retreat yourself. It is possible she simply needs more time to work through her emotions on whatever the issue in contention is.

Communication will exist once you both let go of whatever it is that is hurting. Both of you need to do this since you have a child. The child should not have to grow up with its parents constantly at logger heads.

Good luck.

I know about the kid and stuff.

I'll try (again) with another approach, but I'm not sure I have much mroe energy left for that. Maybe if I have no more will to confront her it will give her exactly what she needs.

[boodhabunny]

It must suck to not be able to resolve issues. If I were you and I wanted to stay in the relationship, I would let the petty things go and choose your battles.

My guess is that she has never learned how to express her negative emotions or deal with conflict. She is probably just as miserable with the relationship dynamic as you are. It almost sounds like she is afraid of you?

[katie45]

Well GeogeLucas....you get what you settle for...you have made the choice to live with this person you claim makes your life miserable with respect to lack of communication when there is a disagreement. Your choice, not our's. What are you looking for in the replies you receive?

Do you want people to tell you that you are right and she is wrong? Do you want us to tell you that you should walk out? Do you want us to tell you what a lousy partner she is, and how badly we feel for you being so terribly mistreated?

What do you want?

Always remember that there are three sides: yours, hers, and the truth.

[Submariner]

Originally Posted by JayMcFly

Shes talking to SOMEONE, women dont shut down in the talking department. ...

That is not entirely correct. Some females do not talk much.

[MattB4]

Originally Posted by GeorgeLucasLongLostChin

I know about the kid and stuff.

I'll try (again) with another approach, but I'm not sure I have much mroe energy left for that. Maybe if I have no more will to confront her it will give her exactly what she needs.

Some times in letting go we win our greatest victories. One sure sign of maturity is knowing how to pick your battles. Never chose ones that you know you are going to lose.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Ceece

How come you have a kid and aren't married? That right there says a lot about you both and it's not great. If you feel disrespected by that statement...oh well.

Maybe that's even the problem. She's got a boyfriend who doesn't want to marry her.

Or else it's emotional abuse but since they aren't even married, what's the point in hanging on. Just leave.

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by GeorgeLucasLongLostChin

English is my second language. Puny makes no sense upon review. I thought it was a synonym of petty.

Before I offer any input, do both speak your first language? Or does she only speak English? Communication issues are trouble enough. It would be even tougher if there was a language barrier.

However, she needs to hear what you said toward the end of your first post about losing respect for her. She needs to know that her behavior is affecting how you feel about her. In whatever language you use, express it in terms of you, not her. For example, say, "When you shut down like this, I feel like you don't care enough to want to resolve an issue with me."

Leave "always," "never," and "you make me mad/angry/sad" out of the conversation entirely.

Also, although I don't know what issues you are trying to resolve, I can say that it's best to pick your battles. Every couple has minor issues. If you bicker and fight over them, then when a major issue comes up, it just seems like more of the same. Fighting a lot tends to desensitize people.

That is one thing I learned when I was married, and one thing I remember in my current relationship. Does my SO do stuff that gets on my nerves? Sometimes. I get on his nerves sometimes, too. But it doesn't become a GREAT BIG ISSUE. We let the little things slide, so that when one of us does say, "Hey, I'm annoyed," we know it's important.

Finally, timing is everything. If she doesn't want to talk about something right then and there, then ask her to come to you when she's ready. It may take a day or two, but it's better than everything erupting into a big fight. Remember that some people need time to process things. If I bring an issue up with my SO, if I'm being unreasonable, he'll mention it then and there, but if I have a good point, it usually takes him a couple of days to react, and then things will change.

I do think slamming a door in your face is childish, though.