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Old 11-05-2010, 12:51 PM
 
1,041 posts, read 670,524 times
Reputation: 738
Default What to do with women who shut down (kinda long)

I'm becoming bitter with my GF.

When no conflict arise, we get along fine. We make a good team to take care of kids, money, chores, whatever...

But when it comes to having deeper conversation, especially when have an issue together, there is a huge gaping hole.

There is a cliche that men never talk, well for us, it's the other way around.

I try to get a few words out of her, but she just escapes the conversation. All of sudden, she has some chores to do or she's tired or she has an urgent call to make. Anything to just shut the door on me. When she does that, I think she looks so petty and immature.

When we do get some ressemblance of a conversation, which you know, usually involves arguments from both sides, she usually raises her voice very quickly at any argument I bring forward or say something like "you don't care about my opinion and you argue!" as if her words were words of God that one has to bow down to. It usually ends with her slamming a door or telling me to leave the room.

I'm a good listener and I do take her opinion into account. But I don't necessarily agree with it. I'll even rephrase her opinion in my own words to show her I understand her point very well before I reply to it. I'm extremely careful about the words I use. She keeps telling me how mindful I am when I have a conflict with other people, but she completly ignores it when we're talking together.

Lately, this has cause me so much frustration that when she tries to escape the situation, I follow her around and try to get her to stop acting like a puny child. And she shuts down on me even more. Sometimes she accuses me of causing trouble in our couple at the slightest attempt to bring an issue to the table.

This makes me feel rejected. It makes me feel like she doesn't care about our relationship. It also makes me feel like our relationship is phony and superficial.

I managed to catch her on one of her rare good days and tell her about this.

Her reaction is that I should leave her alone when she needs to. I don't mind doing that but the problem is that we never discuss anything because she never wants to.

So she sulks on her side and I feel like crap on mine. Sometimes it will last more than a day. I try to act like she doesn't exist and like nothing happened and then all of sudden, she's the nicest person ever.

This little game is so childish. I actually told her that too, that her little highschool game makes me feel like she
wants to punish me. She didn't say anything. I think she knows spending a few days 'in the dark', not knowing what will happen when I get home or if I even have a GF anymore make me feel bad.

Of course, we all need our alone time. I do too. But I demand it in a nice and delicate way so she doesn't take it personal. The ironic thing is that when I do ask her nicely that I could use some alone time to relax, she usually mumbles things like "ok, ok, I won't bother you anymore" in the most sarcastic tone ever. Sometimes she gets mad and tells me all she wants is spend time with me.

But when we try to have a serious discussion, she insults me like a sailor and tell me to leave like I'm a criminal who broke into our home.

Lately I've been looking at myself, following her around and I realized I'm begging. I'm begging for respect. And I resent that. A lot.

You may think this is lame from a guy, but I'm a romantic person. I want to have a soulmate. And this is really not it. The girl I met is the girl I'm with. I feel like I've been tricked. It's getting gradually worse. When I moved city to stay with her, she began that behavior. I assumed it was stress. Then time wore off and I got used to it. Then we had a child and it got really bad.

I think she thinks I would never leave her because of our child. And she's wrong.

Do you guys know anyway to stop someone from playing this little power game?

It used to sadden me when she would slam a door in my face (literally and metaphorically). I put up with it a 100 times but now I just look at her as not intelligent and I have very little respect for her anymore. She doesn't seem to realize it and this makes me disdain her even more, especially when I think about our child. I think that's careless behavior when you're in a relationship with your child's father.
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:14 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
6,742 posts, read 11,207,265 times
Reputation: 5925
I'm amazed that no one has offered their advice. Hmm. I don't really know. Maybe you should make a copy of your post here, take her out to dinner when you have no other conflicts going on, and then let her read this. Or read it out loud.

Since you have a child together, you need to sort it out. Or -- you could leave. Or you can just put up with it and do nothing.
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Fernadina Beach
283 posts, read 324,316 times
Reputation: 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeorgeLucasLongLostChin View Post
I'm becoming bitter with my GF.

When no conflict arise, we get along fine. We make a good team to take care of kids, money, chores, whatever...

But when it comes to having deeper conversation, especially when have an issue together, there is a huge gaping hole.

There is a cliche that men never talk, well for us, it's the other way around.

I try to get a few words out of her, but she just escapes the conversation. All of sudden, she has some chores to do or she's tired or she has an urgent call to make. Anything to just shut the door on me. When she does that, I think she looks so petty and immature.

When we do get some ressemblance of a conversation, which you know, usually involves arguments from both sides, she usually raises her voice very quickly at any argument I bring forward or say something like "you don't care about my opinion and you argue!" as if her words were words of God that one has to bow down to. It usually ends with her slamming a door or telling me to leave the room.

I'm a good listener and I do take her opinion into account. But I don't necessarily agree with it. I'll even rephrase her opinion in my own words to show her I understand her point very well before I reply to it. I'm extremely careful about the words I use. She keeps telling me how mindful I am when I have a conflict with other people, but she completly ignores it when we're talking together.

Lately, this has cause me so much frustration that when she tries to escape the situation, I follow her around and try to get her to stop acting like a puny child. And she shuts down on me even more. Sometimes she accuses me of causing trouble in our couple at the slightest attempt to bring an issue to the table.

This makes me feel rejected. It makes me feel like she doesn't care about our relationship. It also makes me feel like our relationship is phony and superficial.

I managed to catch her on one of her rare good days and tell her about this.

Her reaction is that I should leave her alone when she needs to. I don't mind doing that but the problem is that we never discuss anything because she never wants to.

So she sulks on her side and I feel like crap on mine. Sometimes it will last more than a day. I try to act like she doesn't exist and like nothing happened and then all of sudden, she's the nicest person ever.

This little game is so childish. I actually told her that too, that her little highschool game makes me feel like she
wants to punish me. She didn't say anything. I think she knows spending a few days 'in the dark', not knowing what will happen when I get home or if I even have a GF anymore make me feel bad.

Of course, we all need our alone time. I do too. But I demand it in a nice and delicate way so she doesn't take it personal. The ironic thing is that when I do ask her nicely that I could use some alone time to relax, she usually mumbles things like "ok, ok, I won't bother you anymore" in the most sarcastic tone ever. Sometimes she gets mad and tells me all she wants is spend time with me.

But when we try to have a serious discussion, she insults me like a sailor and tell me to leave like I'm a criminal who broke into our home.

Lately I've been looking at myself, following her around and I realized I'm begging. I'm begging for respect. And I resent that. A lot.

You may think this is lame from a guy, but I'm a romantic person. I want to have a soulmate. And this is really not it. The girl I met is the girl I'm with. I feel like I've been tricked. It's getting gradually worse. When I moved city to stay with her, she began that behavior. I assumed it was stress. Then time wore off and I got used to it. Then we had a child and it got really bad.

I think she thinks I would never leave her because of our child. And she's wrong.

Do you guys know anyway to stop someone from playing this little power game?

It used to sadden me when she would slam a door in my face (literally and metaphorically). I put up with it a 100 times but now I just look at her as not intelligent and I have very little respect for her anymore. She doesn't seem to realize it and this makes me disdain her even more, especially when I think about our child. I think that's careless behavior when you're in a relationship with your child's father.
Shes talking to SOMEONE, women dont shut down in the talking department. This woman is not YOUR teammate any more. Walk away from this before you get failure stamped on your head. She aint talking to you, but best believe she is talking to someone else ABOUT YOU. better hope its one of her girlfriends, cause if its not...you need to move.
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:33 PM
 
Location: Fernadina Beach
283 posts, read 324,316 times
Reputation: 101
Damn man, you have no backbone and she knows it, you also dont have a life and she knows it. WOMEN dont treat guys they like the way you are being treated. Shes not your soulmate man. Have some respect for yourself dude. This woman is a bad person & deep down you know it. She means to harm you. Stress kills people, causes cancers, depression, fatigue. Why are you letting this woman remove years from the one life you have Champion?? Shes killing you. Roll up your sleeves and show the world you mean business.
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Old 11-05-2010, 06:09 PM
 
Location: North America
1,089 posts, read 1,303,415 times
Reputation: 1071
All I can say is: It takes two.

You say she is petty and immature and yet you call the mother of your child a "puny child". Nicely done.
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Old 11-05-2010, 06:20 PM
 
Location: Fernadina Beach
283 posts, read 324,316 times
Reputation: 101
^ shes a woman......
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Old 11-05-2010, 06:41 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,317 posts, read 13,596,402 times
Reputation: 21553
I think that you need to wake up in the morning with "the big boy pants on!"
Stop trying so hard, and make her work a little on this marriage as well.
It can be exhausting trying to be the only one that seems to keep your marriage together.
Tell her that the two of you are going out for a drive, or out to dinner, to talk, and let her know how you feel. This sounds like it could lead into something ugly, if neglected.
Don`t ask for her permission.
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Old 11-05-2010, 07:25 PM
 
2,728 posts, read 2,431,655 times
Reputation: 1888
I suspect disrespect from both sides. You have to decide if the topic you want to discuss is your hill to die on.

If you ask for her thoughts and she gives you her thoughts, you might have to accept what she gives you. Try to see what she says in a positive light, something that contributes to your thoughts. Keep a journal and come up with alternative point-of-views yourself.

You say you feel tricked but you allowed yourself to be tricked. If you were a deep thinker from the very beginning, you would have caught her lack of deep thinking.

"Be to her virtues very kind. Be to her faults a little blind."
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Old 11-05-2010, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Fernadina Beach
283 posts, read 324,316 times
Reputation: 101
They are married???!!! I thought it was Bf Gf wit child
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Old 11-05-2010, 07:50 PM
 
Location: California
24,437 posts, read 14,808,784 times
Reputation: 16397
How come you have a kid and aren't married? That right there says a lot about you both and it's not great. If you feel disrespected by that statement...oh well.
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