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There's always a lot of talk on why abused spouses/SOs stay in the relationship. The reasons sometimes seem somewhat lame but are quite readily identified and understood even by people who have never been abused (fear that the abuser will stalk out of anger; fear of not being able to support the children; having nowhere to go; etc.).
But what about the abuser? Let's say not physical abuse -- which to my mind does show a real hatred (I could be wrong) and severe, well, mental f*cked-uppedness (I just made up a new word!), but subtle emotional stuff...stuff that ALWAYS shows the victim that he or she (let's say she) isn't "good enough" for the abuser. Constant "helpful" comments about the victim's looks, jokes at her expense, withholding affection, continuously seeming "dissatisfied"...that sort of thing...and yet, he will NOT "let" her leave.
Just what is up with that???
If he's so disgusted by her, if she can't do anything right, if she's not thin enough ("...well honey, you know, you ARE in your 40s" is the usual comment, actually, as to why he bothers to still stay around her -- and him at some 250+ pounds, BTW), if she's not "kind" enough (because she perhaps said one cross word to the kids) even while he barely acknowledges anyone when he gets home (kids included) except to criticize...when he "gently" "helps" her ALL the time by giggling affectionately at how she's a "klutz," can't cook, doesn't know how to dress, is "oblivious," has hair that would look "less thin and stringy" if she only cut it (but once she does cut it, he smirks disgustedly about the whole thing and refuses to say he likes it except under sarcasm designed as humor, i.e. "Oh yes darling, you are the most beautiful thing in the world, did I say that right?"), (which goes right along with her asking pitifully, "Do you still love me?" and him saying with heavy sarcasm, "Oh YES pookie-shmookie, who could possibly NOT love you?") etc., etc....
...Then WHY the flark when she tries to leave does he do absolutely everything in his power to stop her, down to threatening??????
I don't get it.
Why do abusers want their victims to stay?
What are they getting out of it? Esp. if the sex is gone and that sort of thing...
What's the benefit?
I'd welcome anyone's input. When *I'm* disgusted with someone, can't stand most of what he does and think he's beneath me in some way, I want him to GO. WhyTFlark would a person who feels that way about another person, want her to STAY?
Here's my take on it - The abuser himself has a problem with self esteem and needs to have someone they feel is better than themselves to literally crush the life out of. Once they've found someone who will submit to it they don't want to let them go.
Here's my take on it - The abuser himself has a problem with self esteem and needs to have someone they feel is better than themselves to literally crush the life out of. Once they've found someone who will submit to it they don't want to let them go.
You know, it's interesting you should say that because I was just going to edit my reply to Neemy by asking, "It's a self-esteem thing, then?"
By the way, note to all the CD dudes out there: I am by NO means saying only men can do this to women. Good God no...I have seen men verbally abused by their wives to the point where I just wanted to, I don't know...slip the husband a note saying "You're worth more than this" or something? Not sure what I'd have wanted to do, but...I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm not saying the woman *has* to be "the victim" in a case of emotional/verbal abuse, not by far. It was just easier to give the people in my scenario sexes rather than saying s/he over and over again and all that.
It could also be that the person is a master manipulator and just plain mean. I've seen that too. Someone that's nasty as all get out but doesn't want others (except the victim) to see who they really are.
I think the abusers are extremely insecure and turn to bullying the closest person to them.
The abusee should know that if this behaviour continues for any length of time that most likely it will never stop. You will eventually believe what you are told over and over by the abuser to some degree and eventually you will be worn down to the point where you do not feel worthy or "whole" enough to ever be a catch to anyone else.
Remember, if you feel drained when you are around a certain person or get tight in the stomache every time they are around.....you get picture.
It makes them feel big and in charge. They aren't very well adjusted people so it might seem cruel and sadistic to us, but to abusers they feell like their victim deserved it because they vview them as less then human.
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that actually would explain everything. Thanks, Neemster, you always have wise words at the ready. 
