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Old 11-19-2010, 12:12 AM
 
1,882 posts, read 2,841,888 times
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I have just ended a relationship with someone i was with for over a year. it is difficult to deal with, naturally, but i want to be able to learn something from it. and this is one thing i found really hard to wrap my mind around.
we had a pretty rough year, and a few months ago i had a miscarriage. the thing was, was that even tho he was there for both tests, he woke up the morning i woke up bleeding and wouldn't look at me. wouldn't look me in the eye. he kept saying, "its just your period." even tho both tests were positive. i pulled up an article online about the impossibility of TWO pregnancy tests being false positives, and then he hinted that i might be "hysterically pregnant". even tho it was a shock to find out since we had been using birth control. i was completely shocked and scared on top of it, and he wouldn't look at me. denied it was happening. i even sat next to him on the couch saying these very words, "i'm scared, i'm in pain, please just put your arm around me". instead he brought up a completely unrelated thing and wouldn't look at me. i left in tears and was in such shock i got completely drunk. in the meantime he calls a friend of his who is like, "dude, this could be serious, what's wrong with you?" and he raced over to my house. it was just so weird but i forgave him, for some stupid reason (love).
then, my mother, who is in GA and i am in CA, got cancer. i immediately wanted to fly out to be with her and he got angry with me. "You always make too big a deal of stuff". what? actually yelled at me. "this is just like you!" what? somehow, because i was still getting over the miscarriage, moving to a new place, etc i put off dealing with it. then my sister got a lump on her neck that turned out to not be anything, but i wanted to fly home again because my sister is my best friend in the world. he didn't offer one word of encouragement or "its gonna be ok," just came home grouchy because he was broke and couldn't afford ice cream. i went to the store, bought him some ice cream and us some beer. i even gave him gas money. still not a word. the next day when i told him again how worried i was and that maybe i should go home for a week or so, he yelled at me again. that was it, for me. i broke it off with him.
but i don't get it. i don't date creeps. but he consistently, for one thing, was impossible in an argument. he would get really childish. we wouldn't be able to resolve anything. now that i have broken up with him he has told me a couple times (in our ensuining conversations to get all our stuff back from each other) that i "probably cheated" on him, calling me an "unloyal c&nt". i have never cheated on anyone in my life. he knows this. its like he can't accept that he actually treated me bad and has to pull reasons out of the air. i mean, the guy was 80 percent loving, affectionate, wonderful, but 20 percent complete monster at times. he never laid a hand on me but after this relationship i really feel like i was emotionally abused. i felt like i was in "gaslight" or something- he would always say i was "projecting" if i brought up a problem and the problem was always ME, not him. i have never had a relationship like this and it has left me completely confused. i don't know why, at the age of 37 and when i wasn't even LOOKING for a relationship, i wound up getting involved with someone who has hurt me over and over again. i just don;t get any of it. has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? i really need someone's advice. again, i have broken up with him- i just need to find some reason why a guy would act this way.
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Old 11-19-2010, 12:27 AM
 
1,206 posts, read 2,547,260 times
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Lighthouse, Im sorry you had to face so many terrible things happening. From what I can understand why a guy would act like that is, most simply he is a loser and he knows it. People that have a poor opinion of themselves and are ashamed sometimes act out to hurt others and bring them down with them. Have you ever heard the saying "Misery loves company"? What he really is, is a coward who refuses to confront himself. He is immature and never takes responsibility for anything. He is a LOSER and will never change because he refuses to. He is emotionally stunted.

I hope that you do not blame yourself in anyway. Often times people who date abusers always focused on the good points of the person as a redeeming factor. He was incredibly insecure to say that you probably cheated on him when he was the bad one. He is just trash and you need to build yourself up again to recover your own happiness and self-esteem.

Btw what tells you the most about people is when you see them at their worst. The way he deals with arguments shows the most about his character.
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Old 11-19-2010, 12:49 AM
 
1,882 posts, read 2,841,888 times
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thanks victor. good points. i do feel very beaten up a bit and really, its hard to talk about these things with friends, because i am NOT the sort of woman to date a creep. my ex husband and most of my boyfriends were great, great people and many of them remain friends (including my ex hubby). so when you find yourself caught in this sort of web of emotional abuse- these few events were really only the tip of the iceberg- it makes you feel ashamed. you don't want anyone to know just how cuckolded you were. hence this forum. its going to take some time for me to trust my own instincts again. he made me feel like everything was upside down. if it was snowing he would convince me it wasn't, so to speak. if he hadn't been so great and loving the rest of the time i might have dumped him a few months in. i broke up with him at least 12 times. no joke. but then he would woo me back. again, it makes me feel really ashamed and its hard to talk about with people who know you. you don't want them to know you were so stupid. thanks for the kind words.
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Old 11-19-2010, 01:28 AM
 
8,680 posts, read 13,304,191 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nighthouse66 View Post
thanks victor. good points. i do feel very beaten up a bit and really, its hard to talk about these things with friends, because i am NOT the sort of woman to date a creep. my ex husband and most of my boyfriends were great, great people and many of them remain friends (including my ex hubby). so when you find yourself caught in this sort of web of emotional abuse- these few events were really only the tip of the iceberg- it makes you feel ashamed. you don't want anyone to know just how cuckolded you were. hence this forum. its going to take some time for me to trust my own instincts again. he made me feel like everything was upside down. if it was snowing he would convince me it wasn't, so to speak. if he hadn't been so great and loving the rest of the time i might have dumped him a few months in. i broke up with him at least 12 times. no joke. but then he would woo me back. again, it makes me feel really ashamed and its hard to talk about with people who know you. you don't want them to know you were so stupid. thanks for the kind words.
Actually, you should trust your instincts right away, because they were right from the get-go. When you miscarried and he behaved that way, they told you he was a complete s.o.b. It's just that you overruled them and forgave him.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Just tune in next time and listen, and if your instincts tell you someone is a toad, believe them.
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Old 11-19-2010, 01:33 AM
 
1,206 posts, read 2,547,260 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nighthouse66 View Post
thanks victor. good points. i do feel very beaten up a bit and really, its hard to talk about these things with friends, because i am NOT the sort of woman to date a creep. my ex husband and most of my boyfriends were great, great people and many of them remain friends (including my ex hubby). so when you find yourself caught in this sort of web of emotional abuse- these few events were really only the tip of the iceberg- it makes you feel ashamed. you don't want anyone to know just how cuckolded you were. hence this forum. its going to take some time for me to trust my own instincts again. he made me feel like everything was upside down. if it was snowing he would convince me it wasn't, so to speak. if he hadn't been so great and loving the rest of the time i might have dumped him a few months in. i broke up with him at least 12 times. no joke. but then he would woo me back. again, it makes me feel really ashamed and its hard to talk about with people who know you. you don't want them to know you were so stupid. thanks for the kind words.
You shouldnt be surprised that you were suckered. I mean think about this guy, he obviously is a terrible guy through and through. The only way he had any relationships at all is by being very good at deception, manipulation, and persistance. He is a practiced con-man that is a manipulative user. I mean he had no money for ice cream??? come on.

Btw although you may be embarrassed by what happened, you still should definitely seek support from friends and family. Just let them know that you appreciate their support and love. Sometimes human companionship and love works wonders for even very deep wounds.
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Old 11-19-2010, 01:53 AM
 
1,882 posts, read 2,841,888 times
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i don't know if i can reach out right now to friends and family. everyone liked him including my sister. i need a few weeks to really get a handle on myself because i don't want to sit and sling arrows at him and trash talk people. which in my hurt and anger i know i would probably do. and mutual friends say things like "that isn't the guy i know", its like he reserved his worst side for me. which makes me feel even worse, like i said, "gaslight", like "this isn't really happening". i mean, i want children and a good relationship. i have had them before, even if they didn't last. i know what they feel like. this never felt that way except for a day here and there. it was such a rollercoaster. but i am going on and on. i appreciate your and aviene's comments. next time i WILL listen to my instinct. i think i had had such a long run of pretty placid normal relationships i let my guard down. i guess it happens to everyone. : (
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Old 11-19-2010, 02:49 AM
 
1,206 posts, read 2,547,260 times
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best of luck. hope you feel better. Even if they liked him, im sure they like you more.
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Old 11-19-2010, 03:12 AM
 
25,953 posts, read 26,771,360 times
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You dated very self absorbed person who didn't want to hear about anyone else's issues because they took away from his attention. When he wanted something, and while you didn't mention it, I'll bet when he didn't feel well, the whole world was suppose to stop for him and 'you just didn't understand how bad he had it.' Sure, I know the type. These people are extrememly emotionally and moreseo pshycologically abusive. Lucky for you all men are not like that and your chances of finding someone to treat you with respect is out there.
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Old 11-19-2010, 03:44 AM
 
1,882 posts, read 2,841,888 times
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thats weird, thursday- he was that way. he would act like a crying manb*&tch when things were overwhelming him. sulk. would get randomly angry at me. i am on unemployment and he would talk about how easy i have it and how hard he does. and that he mentioned once that he didn't feel bad for borrowing money from me because i didn't work for it.
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Old 11-19-2010, 04:29 AM
 
Location: Sol System
1,494 posts, read 2,873,741 times
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He isn't worth a damn. Plain and simple. Ask him to eat the dead skin from your feet , and observe his response.
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