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Only one type of person believes that winners are always azzholes: losers.
I agree with this.
There's a lot of "winners" that i just don't see what they have, but it's not being an ******* that makes it. though I do think some will become *******s from being "winners". then there is the third type who's *******s without being winners, there's a lot of these.
I think there is a difference between being nice and being a doormat. Learning to say no is a baby step process and it is never too late. Learn phrases like, " I wish I could but my plate is full this week."
I am not sure what situations are the weakest for you. What situations do you feel the most taken advantage of? Think about those situations and mentally prepare for them by learning different ways of saying no. You can still be nice, there is nothing wrong with being nice. Just learn the best way that is best for you to nicely say no. Remember you can't please everyone.
I am recovering doormat. I always struggled with saying no. So I will tell you a very pathetic story and how I started to learn to say no. I have a older sister that is extremely bossy and its all about her type person. I think due to conditioning from growing up with her, I always had a hard time saying no. She would monopolize my time. She didn't care if I had other plans. Basically a person that can suck the life out of you, if you let it, which I did. So she calls me up one day and asked me to go to a little festival about an hour away. I did not want to go. I had stuff to do. I tried saying no. Its not like I am a yes person all the time, my problem was I would be brow beaten into it. " Sorry I cant go, I have stuff to do." "what stuff?" "Well...this and that.." "You can do it later." "Well...no I really need to take care of this today." "Oh please you will have plenty of time. We will only be gone a few hours"
So this is how it starts and I finally relent. So the whole time I am miserable. Im pissed because of course its not just a couple of hours, its turning into a all day event and what plans I had for the day are now being diminished by the hour. So I am starting to angry, tense and over all upset. I am upset with myself. The festival was busy, crazy traffic and I did not know the area. After finally putting my foot down I said to my sister we had to leave. While trying to leave the festival, over wrought with being tense and annoyed that my day has been wasted doing something I do not want, I did not pay attention and pulled out of an intersection, not realizing the traffic I would be crossing did not have a stop sign. I assumed it did. I was hit broadside from another car going 55 mph. I remember the crash, a scream, glass flying everywhere and watching in slow motion as we skidding into a ditch. In the fog of it all I remember the new silence and the faint sound of the radio still playing even though the car was crumpled into a mess.
My sister was unhurt. I had to be extracted. Luckily neither one of us was seriously hurt. The left side of my body was such an array of blue bruises it amazed me I did not have any serious injuries. My car was totaled and later my sister wanted to sue me because her attorney suggested it would be a great way to collect some money so she could buy a house. All this because I couldn't say. "Listen...I told you no." It was a turning point for me. Not only did I almost kill myself but the woman that hit me had her small children in the car. I could have never lived with myself if that woman's children had been killed or injured. The accident was my fault because I had my head up my ass. All because I did not have the self confidence or courage to say no, I want to stay home today.
Don't be a doormat but still be the nice person that you are.
...The accident was my fault because I had my head up my ass. All because I did not have the self confidence or courage to say no, I want to stay home today.
Fallingwater, I enjoyed your post and empathize with your having been in that accident, but I'm having a hard time equating your "doormatitude" with the occurrence of that accident.
Granted it was the initial link in the chain of events, but it wasn't the DIRECT cause of the accident - that was the loss of control of your emotions and the resulting momentary awareness failure. THAT could have happened anywhere, without being a doormat. It was how you responded to the chain of events that caused the accident, not the fact that you allowed your sister to commandeer your time.
I know I have. I'm almost 50 and realizing my easy going, forgiving nature and sense of fairness has gotten me absolutely nothing I wanted in life, and I'm about fed up with it.
Any others out there like me that have reached that same conclusion and trying to develop a new "resolve"?
How have you done it? I have such a hard time putting my need and wants before others, but I am desperate now. If I don't take a stand soon, I'm going to be on my deathbed one day wondering why I didn't fight for some of the things I wanted out of life instead of catering to the moods and needs of others, including my own children.
As the nicest person in the forum I can honestly say, sometimes it does suck
Fallingwater, I enjoyed your post and empathize with your having been in that accident, but I'm having a hard time equating your "doormatitude" with the occurrence of that accident.
Granted it was the initial link in the chain of events, but it wasn't the DIRECT cause of the accident - that was the loss of control of your emotions and the resulting momentary awareness failure. THAT could have happened anywhere, without being a doormat. It was how you responded to the chain of events that caused the accident, not the fact that you allowed your sister to commandeer your time.
No, but it was the negative energy spawned by the situation that contributed to the accident. Most of us develop negative energy at some points in our lives, but I'd have to say that being a doormat would rate right up there, b/c you're put in a position of no power. Recently I was in a similar position and was very very negative and threw out my back that day--I've never had a twinge of a back problem in my whole life, but I threw it out so bad that day I had to take a week off of work and my thumb is still numb more than a month later. Did the woman actually make my back go out? No, I did, and all of this just makes me believe more firmly in the Law of Attraction.
No, but it was the negative energy spawned by the situation that contributed to the accident. Most of us develop negative energy at some points in our lives, but I'd have to say that being a doormat would rate right up there, b/c you're put in a position of no power. Recently I was in a similar position and was very very negative and threw out my back that day--I've never had a twinge of a back problem in my whole life, but I threw it out so bad that day I had to take a week off of work and my thumb is still numb more than a month later. Did the woman actually make my back go out? No, I did, and all of this just makes me believe more firmly in the Law of Attraction.
I see energy as being a common denominator in everything we do in life, and agree that it was the negative energy that contributed to the accident - that's why I said that being a doormat, in and of itself, was not the direct cause; it was merely the first in the chain. Other links might have been the sister's personality, the festival, the human car-wash AT the festival, the weather, all sorts of conflicting ideas and emotions...the thing is, once we have that negative energy settle upon us, what it does is totally dependent upon US. I believe the OP rightly blames themselves, but I think for the wrong reason - it wasn't "being a doormat" that was the problem; it was how they handled being one. A relatively small but perhaps important distinction.
It's like firing a pistol - it's pretty much expected that a projectile is going to come out fast and furious; all we can do is aim the pistol at the proper target. We can assume that at some point in our lives negative energy ("sha qi" in Chinese) will find us - it's how we deal with it that determines the outcome of a situation. If we recognize a weakness within ourselves, we need to develop methods - coping skills, if you will - to enable us to still function effectively as human beings, in spite of that weakness. I see developing those skills as a reverse-engineering type of phenomena - they will, if practiced often and well, lead to the eradication of the original problem.
No, but it was the negative energy spawned by the situation that contributed to the accident. Most of us develop negative energy at some points in our lives, but I'd have to say that being a doormat would rate right up there, b/c you're put in a position of no power. Recently I was in a similar position and was very very negative and threw out my back that day--I've never had a twinge of a back problem in my whole life, but I threw it out so bad that day I had to take a week off of work and my thumb is still numb more than a month later. Did the woman actually make my back go out? No, I did, and all of this just makes me believe more firmly in the Law of Attraction.
I have heard of the Law of Attraction and know of a few believers. What you describe as being the Law of Attraction, I describe as something else but the two could be related.
I notice that when I do things according to others expectations, I tend to focus less on what I am doing. It makes me prone to accidents, poor decision making, and more unhappiness. The main reason why is because I am constantly thinking about what makes them happy and constantly thinking about how I didn't get the reaction I expected. It is a bunch of noise in my head.
In regards to MattB4's post that some nice people are just being passive aggressive, I agree. However, I will add that I was passive aggressive to people who loved me, mainly family, but not to outsiders.
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My experience with being a doormat, or as I saw it a "nice" person, was that I was always expecting other people to change their behavior especially when I tried finding more ways of pleasing them. There were those who thought, "Well, if she wants to help me, I will let her." However, I never got what I wanted from my services which was to feel wanted, as in friendship, but they did thank me in the sweetest way possible.
Then there were those people who continued to display rude behavior towards me. I tried finding new ways of pleasing them but they were less thankful and I found myself saying, "I don't understand. I am a nice person."
Some call what I was doing manipulative. I didn't and still don't but I won't disagree with them. I was taught that women should please and never say "no." That is why I didn't see myself as manipulative.
Now that I am raising a daughter, I do respect when she says "no" as long as it is for something reasonable. I also don't interfere when she is having conflict with other children and I do ask parents to not come to her defense. I am referring mainly to sharing.
I would rather my daughter come to me one day and say, "Mom, I share with her but she doesn't share with me." I would then tell her, "Well, what did you expect? That she would suddenly start sharing?" I will then have her think of solutions to her problem that don't turn her into doormat. When this was me growing up, my grandmother simply told me that I should continue sharing whether I liked it or not.
I think you might possibly be mistaken in your views about life, at least to my view. Being nice does not mean forsaking one's needs for another's, regardless of who the other might be to you. To thine ownself be true is an age old adage because it is wise.
You also do not have to fight about it.
Speaking of children in particular, you do them no service in making them dependent upon you. I it is the job of a parent to empower their young to live in their world independently, as soon as possible. Throughout their years with you, that should be a gradual, continual weening. With every new skill they acquire, you should build upon that skill to teach them more. As they learn independence, you can still be a loving, caring presence, but they give to themselves. Hopefully, you bring them up to understand that they, too, should be a loving, caring presence in your life.
Maybe you've made some mistakes, but there is no reason not to start weening your dependents, now and start shifting your efforts to doing those things you want to do with your life. It is never too late for that. Just remember that this situation partially created by you, and separate yourself from them in a loving, caring way.
Sorry. Not trying to insist. I just find it hard to believe being too nice makes a person accept abuse. I have no idea about you. I can only go with posted content. So far I have not read anything that made you "too nice". Perhaps you can explain what your niceness was?
In the doormat sense. I'll pretty much do anything anyone asks me to do, without question or complaint, even if I really don't want to do it. I give people a second chance, third chance, fourth chance, etc. I'm not very good at articulating it. But it's things like waiting at the McDonald's for 40 minutes to cross the street because I'm "too nice" to tell the people I'm in a rush and really need someone to help me cross sooner. Or if I accidentally run into someone I'll apologize profusely and feel incredibly guilty even though it's usually their fault for not looking, or neither of our faults because I'm blind and it just happens. That same pattern, to a great extent, in the past, led me into abusive situations, because the other person would always say "I'll be better, I'll change, I promise" and they didn't, but I gave them way too many chances. I know there is more to abuse than just being "too nice" but my point is that was a huge factor in it, because if I weren't such a pushover to begin with, I would have said "no" much sooner and gotten out of that situation much more quickly.
I know I have. I'm almost 50 and realizing my easy going, forgiving nature and sense of fairness has gotten me absolutely nothing I wanted in life, and I'm about fed up with it.
Any others out there like me that have reached that same conclusion and trying to develop a new "resolve"?
How have you done it? I have such a hard time putting my need and wants before others, but I am desperate now. If I don't take a stand soon, I'm going to be on my deathbed one day wondering why I didn't fight for some of the things I wanted out of life instead of catering to the moods and needs of others, including my own children.
I mean, the harsh reality is you brought it upon yourself, so who else can you blame? I'd say do something about and stop venting..
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I always struggled with saying no. So I will tell you a very pathetic story and how I started to learn to say no. I have a older sister that is extremely bossy and its all about her type person. I think due to conditioning from growing up with her, I always had a hard time saying no. She would monopolize my time. She didn't care if I had other plans. Basically a person that can suck the life out of you, if you let it, which I did. So she calls me up one day and asked me to go to a little festival about an hour away. I did not want to go. I had stuff to do. I tried saying no. Its not like I am a yes person all the time, my problem was I would be brow beaten into it. " Sorry I cant go, I have stuff to do." "what stuff?" "Well...this and that.." "You can do it later." "Well...no I really need to take care of this today." "Oh please you will have plenty of time. We will only be gone a few hours"
