U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:12 AM
 
7 posts, read 18,993 times
Reputation: 11

Advertisements

Hello! I am wondering how and what to do with this situation. I've been struggling with it for some time. My boyfriend and I met about 8 years ago, and at the beginning he and his ex were always at odds with each other. There was no indication he wanted to spend holidays with her. And his children, they only tolerated him during these times. Spending little time with him and mostly all the time with his ex. They were 17 and 21 then. Eventually he moved in with me and my 2 kids, 13 and 16, attached themselves to him and we became family. Mind you my kids father was ill and incapable to manage relationships with them. My kids depended on me for their whole well being. My son became very close to my boyfriend and we all accepted him as our family. After 3 years his ex's live in boyfriend left her and married another woman leaving her alone. All of a sudden she started calling him for help, went with him to visit his older child for a weekend, and now he and her spend everything Thanksgiving together with his grown daughters...25 and 29. Of course his ex knew I was upset with all this, talked smack about me, and eventually along with other boundary issues he and I do not live together anymore. I've tried everything I can think of to ask my boyfriend to stop playing into this woman's manipulation. His eldest daughter now seems to rule what happens for Thanksgiving every year. She invites her dad, the ex, and the younger daughter to her house and does not invite me even though myself and her dad are clearly together still but live in separate residences. And my "man" apparently is not able to be one because he is so desperate to be part of his daughter's life. All the year's past I have been upset and felt belittled. I get his need but he clearly says his kids are his first priority. He ends up calling countless times, then coming home and telling me all about the details. Which is really really hurtful and disrespectful. And he is jealous of anything I do without him. I told him this year, do not speak with me about his outting. Do not call me. And I am going away to my daughter's boyfriends house for T day. I know most likely I should move on - what are all your thoughts? I am 53 and in many other ways he and I are compatible and spend a lot of time together. I just think my guy is boundriless and has no backbone with his daugthers or his ex. I have a difficult time knowing what to do now after all this time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:27 AM
 
1,512 posts, read 1,481,880 times
Reputation: 578
Quote:
what are all your thoughts?
Accept it or take your own advice:

Quote:
stop playing into this woman's manipulation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:33 AM
 
7 posts, read 18,993 times
Reputation: 11
And how do you see me not playing into this woman's manipulation?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:44 AM
 
Location: Clayton, MO
1,159 posts, read 1,387,530 times
Reputation: 1533
Have you asked your boyfriend to talk to his daughter, to see if you are welcome? Do you know that you are not welcome? Could it be that your boyfriend is just not stepping up and and telling them that if you are not included than he is not going to attend either?

I would think that after 8 years, if you are that committed, then he would tell his daughter that you will be accompanying him. He needs to have your back on that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:53 AM
 
7 posts, read 18,993 times
Reputation: 11
He just recently talked to his youngest about his birthday and that topic and she did indicate it was him that was assuming, not her. Oddly enough his ex and him have the exact same birthday. He said he assumed his youngest wanted to spend it with both he and her....I did go to his last birthday and his ex was not invited.

However, I cant spend time with his ex now. He and her have created such a ____ situation that its too awful. I have my kids to think of as well. I suggested we alternate the holidays, but I think its him that wants this too. He's desperate to renew his relationship with his girls. Thats why I decided to not let him have his cake and eat it too by not participating with him, calls during the weeks about, long conversations about his experience, etc.

Also, his ex is an alcoholic that no one claims as is. They say she drinks a lot!!! So the pink elephant is always in the room.

Still have a difficult time with this. Knowing exactly how to get through it. Thanksgiving to me is about love and is my favorite holiday.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:55 AM
 
1,512 posts, read 1,481,880 times
Reputation: 578
Quote:
Originally Posted by TawnyV View Post
And how do you see me not playing into this woman's manipulation?
Your boyfriend's manipulation is what I'm referring to. He's up to something. A person doesn't go hanging around with the ex in order to make adult children happy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:56 AM
 
7 posts, read 18,993 times
Reputation: 11
yeah, he is not stepping up. He is not saying to include me or he will bail. He is selfish this way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:59 AM
 
7 posts, read 18,993 times
Reputation: 11
hmmmm, I dont think he cares for his ex. I dont think that is it. He's proving something. But at my and my kids expense
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 10:59 AM
 
1,512 posts, read 1,481,880 times
Reputation: 578
Quote:
Originally Posted by TawnyV View Post
yeah, he is not stepping up. He is not saying to include me or he will bail. He is selfish this way.
Does the relationship work for you?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2010, 11:04 AM
 
7 posts, read 18,993 times
Reputation: 11
this holiday thing does not work for me at all. The rest of the time its about 65% working for me. I want a full time partner, not a part time boyfriend.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top