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OK, now you are being dishonest with yourself. Do yourself a favor and stop BSing yourself, it's the quickest way to move on.
That sentence is not like a bad spell on his new relationship, but you're probably right! As everyone here thinks IT IS NOT MY CONCERN ANYMORE. I hope I learned it.
I think I can understand the OP's feelings a little. You break up with someone because of some unbearable aspect or another of the relationship (unbearable for one or both of you); then the next thing you know, your ex is making fishie-kiss faces and being all shmooey with someone else and all you can think is, "Oh my GOD...I tried everything, everything to get that back with you...but you would never budge. HOW COME YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO BE THAT FOR ME?"
And that of course makes you remember the times that he maybe *was* like that, which was probably in the beginning (and probably is only going to be in the beginning of this relationship too...just sayin'), and then you think, MY GOD, did I screw everything up? Was the person I tried for nine years to have a great relationship with, suddenly going to turn on a dime and be loving and affectionate?
And then you think you blew it.
OP: If it was *really* right, you'd have said yes to one of your ex's proposals. You *knew* deep down that the relationship was never going to satisfy you. You're remorseful right now but if you were back in a relationship with him, it would be the same old sh*t all over again. It's not his fault and it's not your fault that your relationship began to cool; you would have both needed to want to work on it *and* you'd have both needed to really, really be on the same page, emotionally and life goals-wise, in order to even try to make it better. But you were never on the same page at the same time. When he did say he wanted to marry you, that was when you just weren't ready...etc. Your instincts were telling you that the two of you were not meant to be together.
It will be all right. You made the right decision. Do not follow up with him or contact him or anything like that. Let him go. It will get easier.
A really long time ago, I was a young single mother and I met someone who turned out to be wonderful for me, at first. He was funny, cute (heavy, but I really didn't mind that at all...for some reason I never mind that in a guy), a firefighter/giving/caring, an EMT; he was kind to me, he was sexy, and he was nice to my son. Everything was great!
We started talking marriage at one point and I wasn't sure because it was really soon, I felt.
Suddenly at one point he seemed to turn on a dime (in retrospect, maybe I gave off a vibe or something that I had "cooled off" a little and he was just reacting to that) and he started acting cavalier and that is something that I do NOT find sexy in a man. Things just went downhill from there as we butted heads and finally I broke up with him.
Well, only about six months later, my friend -- who had initially fixed us up -- told me he was ENGAGED. Oh, I nearly died. Mind you I had been over him for some time by then. But hearing that he was engaged...well, that opened these terrible floodgates of, "Oh my God, so it really WAS me! I was a terrible girlfriend. This is a quality guy who wants a sustainable relationship. He's getting married and that proves it. What did I do?"
I didn't think of contacting him or anything, though. It wasn't like that...it was more like, God, there's something so wrong with me to have "caused" all these problems in someone who obviously doesn't have a problem with commitment at all.
Then a couple of months later the same friend came to me with more news. I told her I just wasn't interested in hearing about this guy -- his life was his life and we had nothing to do with one another. But she said I HAD to hear this...apparently, the two had become engaged only a couple of months after meeting, and almost immediately, he "did something" that the girl reacted to by throwing the engagement ring out the window and walking home, and that was the end of that relationship.
I didn't want to hear what he'd "done." I hadn't wanted to hear any of it, actually, but oddly, hearing that the same old pattern had happened again, did make me feel better. It made me realize I had made the right decision. I'm not saying this guy was a bad guy or that he was never going to be marriage material. He liked the idea of family and came from a stable home; I'm sure that in the years following all this, he did end up marrying and having children. BUT no, I could not have "done anything differently" at the time to have magically healed our relationship, nor to suddenly turn him back into Prince Charming. That was *his pattern* at the time and *our pattern together*...it just wasn't meant to be.
A really long time ago, I was a young single mother and I met someone who turned out to be wonderful for me, at first. He was funny, cute (heavy, but I really didn't mind that at all...for some reason I never mind that in a guy), a firefighter/giving/caring, an EMT; he was kind to me, he was sexy, and he was nice to my son. Everything was great!
We started talking marriage at one point and I wasn't sure because it was really soon, I felt.
Suddenly at one point he seemed to turn on a dime (in retrospect, maybe I gave off a vibe or something that I had "cooled off" a little and he was just reacting to that) and he started acting cavalier and that is something that I do NOT find sexy in a man. Things just went downhill from there as we butted heads and finally I broke up with him.
Well, only about six months later, my friend -- who had initially fixed us up -- told me he was ENGAGED. Oh, I nearly died. Mind you I had been over him for some time by then. But hearing that he was engaged...well, that opened these terrible floodgates of, "Oh my God, so it really WAS me! I was a terrible girlfriend. This is a quality guy who wants a sustainable relationship. He's getting married and that proves it. What did I do?"
I didn't think of contacting him or anything, though. It wasn't like that...it was more like, God, there's something so wrong with me to have "caused" all these problems in someone who obviously doesn't have a problem with commitment at all.
Then a couple of months later the same friend came to me with more news. I told her I just wasn't interested in hearing about this guy -- his life was his life and we had nothing to do with one another. But she said I HAD to hear this...apparently, the two had become engaged only a couple of months after meeting, and almost immediately, he "did something" that the girl reacted to by throwing the engagement ring out the window and walking home, and that was the end of that relationship.
I didn't want to hear what he'd "done." I hadn't wanted to hear any of it, actually, but oddly, hearing that the same old pattern had happened again, did make me feel better. It made me realize I had made the right decision. I'm not saying this guy was a bad guy or that he was never going to be marriage material. He liked the idea of family and came from a stable home; I'm sure that in the years following all this, he did end up marrying and having children. BUT no, I could not have "done anything differently" at the time to have magically healed our relationship, nor to suddenly turn him back into Prince Charming. That was *his pattern* at the time and *our pattern together*...it just wasn't meant to be.
Thank you for taking time. And yes, that is how I feel. Not fair! He was not interested in me sexually, and he didn't have the nerve to break up with me or time to try and work things out.. and now he is very interested in another girl three months later.... and break up is all my fault... at least that's the way he thinks of it..
Thank you for taking time. And yes, that is how I feel. Not fair! He was not interested in me sexually, and he didn't have the nerve to break up with me or time to try and work things out.. and now he is very interested in another girl three months later.... and break up is all my fault... at least that's the way he thinks of it..
Diminishing sexual activities is a common trade-off for long term relationships. It would have happened eventually with any other guy. And it will happen with any other guy you become involved long-term in the future.
(And for all of you who claim to still be boinking hard-core after twenty years of marriage: Sure, there are exceptions, but go ahead, call me a liar).
Too many people think that sex=love. You may love/be in love with the person you are having sex with, but sex does not equal love. Reading through your posts, I get the impression that this is a big deal to you. You pointed out in one of your responses something to the effect that you do not believe you are ugly, are comfortable with your appearance. So perhaps it is not low self-esteem. But there is something else going on here.
Sounds like you otherwise had a decent relationship, the guy proposed to you twice, and for chrissakes, his heart broke when you dumped him (hint* hint* chances are high a guy is still in love with you if his heart is able to break. Otherwise he would not have minded [so much]). But, in your mind something was wrong because his sexual interest in you was low. He probably was still interested, but just got to a point of comfortableness with you and the relationship where sex was taking a backseat. As I mentioned, this is normal.
The good news, albeit too late, is that sexual excitement can be recaptured.
So, you met someone who you thought could give you what you wanted/needed. And you told your BF about it. You say you were just being honest, but I feel that you were testing him. He didn't take the bait-or didn't respond in a way that you had hoped-so you went ahead and dumped him.
His reaction, aside from being heartbroken, was to find someone else and you want to know why. Why is he doing what he is doing.
Perhaps you realize your error and you truly want to get back together. But I doubt that. Let's face it: you are in your 30s, and your 30 year old ex is now banging a 19 year old. What you really want to know is why is he sleeping with someone so much younger than you, which may give you reasons/excuses as to why he was not interested in you sexually.
Did he see you as getting old? Frigid? Etc.? Perhaps, but I would bet the house that he was really hurt by the break-up; especially since you met someone that you "fell in love with" and he is doing what he is doing out of spite. He is getting revenge on you. He is giving you the middle finger. He knows that the lack of sexual activity was the impetus that led to all of this, and perhaps he is remorseful about that, but when you dumped him he saw an opportunity and went with it. He knew that it would hurt you because you hurt him.
Yes, he does think the break-up is all your fault. You see otherwise. Reality is that both of you contributed to the end result. You cannot accept the fact that he is with someone else, for what-ever reason. You want validation that you were somehow in the right to break-up with him as it would negate the fact that his now-current relationship may not be "your fault", or that you are not the "loser" in this. And that's just it; would you still be [as] upset if he wasn't currently sleeping with anyone? Someone his own age? That goes back to my comment about you having some type of sexual baggage (although perhaps not negative).
The ex knows that if it was just business as usual, you'd feel like you "won". So like I said, he's sticking it you by sticking [it into] another. After 9 1/2 years, he knows your weaknesses; which buttons to push. The best form of revenge is to not show that you are bothered by the situation-even if you are. That is what he is doing and it sounds like it is working. I can almost guaranty that he will change his tune when you start seeing someone else and "show" that you are not bothered by the break-up, either.
However, he is playing a game with you. Despite breaking up with him, it would be in your best interests to just go with the hand you dealt yourself and not lower to his high school antics. At some point in the future, after you both got this childness out, you can have a mature conversation to clear your chests and find closer; if you still need it by then.
of course. i'm not here to spit on him, just want to figure out his behavior.
I read with interest your post and although I am sorry things didn't work out for you, it looks like your former boy friend has moved on. Lucky him. If I was single I would go after a much younger girl as well. Why not? Who cares about maturity and if they are compatible. The guy has a 19 year old girl to sleep with. Now for me chances are I would have chosen someone that can go out at night, like a 21 year old. At least she would be able to go into clubs. You want to figure out what he is thinking? She is 19. I bet her body is tight and everything is where it is supposed to be. What more do you need to figure out? Sorry to say this but for the most part that is what us guys are looking for. I am happily married and have never taken a side path to happiness. Saying that if my wife were to pass away I wouldn't be looking for another 39 year old woman to fill her place.
He is 37. . too much energy wasted during the years, trying to cope with a life of a drummer who is never there at night. ...
Ah hah....a musician that is dedicated to his instrument. And why mention he is dating a 19 year old?, would it make you feel better if he was doing another 37 year old?
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and he is doing what he is doing out of spite. He is getting revenge on you. He is giving you the middle finger. He knows that the lack of sexual activity was the impetus that led to all of this, and perhaps he is remorseful about that, but when you dumped him he saw an opportunity and went with it. He knew that it would hurt you because you hurt him.
