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His behavior is appalling in itself, but his excuses for it are even more so.
The fact that she is too far away is really no consolation, is it? And I imagine the alcohol talking, when he is a regular drinker, is no comfort either. He can't manage to control himself when she is that far away. How much control do you think he would have if she were 5, 10, 20 miles away?
You know what's going on but saying it out loud means there is no more denying it and you'd have to make a decision. My opinion, he still wants her. He doesn't care enough about you to even try to hide it.
It would be a greater blow to your dignity to stay with him than it would to stay with a friend or relative until you can get back on your feet. I hope you choose the latter. Good luck.
At the very least, you can seek shelter/housing at a women's shelter. Most large cities have them. There is no reason for you to stay and take his emotional abuse of you. But it's your choice - to stay with an abuser or to settle for less material comforts than what you have now.
The choice is yours.
I know it isn't easy. I made my choice 14 years ago. I chose poverty over abuse. I don't live in poverty any more and I don't live alone. We just celebrated 13 years together and part of that celebration was a 2 week cruise in the Mediterranean. And when we were first together, we had no car and sometimes could not afford to take the bus so we walked or didn't go.
What your situation or choice is now, doesn't have to be permanent. But only you can change what is.
Have been married (2nd) for a very long time. A few years back we were going through a really rough patch, and split up for about 6 months. During that time my husband was in very close contact with his ex-wife, who is also married. After we reconciled, this relationship continued. My husband is a drinker, he would get drunk and get on phone with her and offer sex.
Of course telling me that she was too far away, and it was only drink talking.
They had fights, both are controllers, and most of conversations between them were when I was not around. Eventually, she made a public comment on my relationship with my husband. I lost it, and demanded that he make a choice between her or I, he told me he would cut her off. The situation got worse, she threatened restraining order, he tried to calm her.
To make long story short, he has offered one excuse after another to not stop this "friendship" for months now. I really do love this man, but, can not tolerate the affair of the heart he has been having with her, nor am i financially able to leave at this time. And, now, if I bring up his promise to end this, he either "yes's" me to get me to shut up, or evades any answer.
Advice?
Make plans & financial actions that would enable you to leave him.
I know it isn't easy. I made my choice 14 years ago. I chose poverty over abuse. I don't live in poverty any more and I don't live alone. We just celebrated 13 years together and part of that celebration was a 2 week cruise in the Mediterranean. And when we were first together, we had no car and sometimes could not afford to take the bus so we walked or didn't go.
What your situation or choice is now, doesn't have to be permanent. But only you can change what is.
An update--My husband decided to do the right thing and end the relationship with his "ex". i had taken the direct approach, told him that the marriage was over. During this relationship, she spied on me through facebook, thinking that any post i made was directed at her(they were not), for almost a year without my knowledge. Now that he is doing the right thing, she is doing her best to destroy what is left of my marriage by sending me email designed to make me doubt him. Any ideas on how to stop this behavior effectively?
An update--My husband decided to do the right thing and end the relationship with his "ex". i had taken the direct approach, told him that the marriage was over. During this relationship, she spied on me through facebook, thinking that any post i made was directed at her(they were not), for almost a year without my knowledge. Now that he is doing the right thing, she is doing her best to destroy what is left of my marriage by sending me email designed to make me doubt him. Any ideas on how to stop this behavior effectively?
Block her from being able to email you!
If for some reason that isn't possible, just DO NOT open anything you receive from her (emails, texts, letters - whatever). Immediately delete without opening anything that comes from her.
If your husband really wants to salvage things he'd better get his butt in gear and tell her she is never to contact him or you again. I'd ask him to make that call while you are standing there listening to him do it.
yea i would block her email and just stop all contact from her. Call the phone company and block her number too. Any communication with her is just gonna give her hope that she can destroy your marriage and get back together with him.
He should agree to this plan and work on stopping his alcoholism and go to AA.
Divorce him and take alimony. Time to find somebody who isn't abusive. If he doesn't quit drinking you might be revisiting something similar.
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