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Old 11-28-2010, 09:26 PM
 
Location: Queens THE REAL international city
2,081 posts, read 2,947,991 times
Reputation: 2070
Default Being together for the sake of the child/children

Okay, I think this concept of two parents who aren't really in love with each other or don't get along but have a child and decide to remain together for the sake of the child is overrated and even quite dumb. Just so you readers know I'm not going through anything like this; but know friends and family members who have and who did go through it. 100% of those relationships either ended with a dysfunctional family because the parents can't get along for beans or the parents end up separating regardless because of they just decided its better off that way.

I grew up without my father in my life and to be honest, I can't imagine it any other way. My father was a crappy father and my mother tried to be with him for the sake of me when I was a child but my the relationship between my parents just wasn't worth them being together since there was nothing but fighting going on. I had other men in my life who were father figures to me and I ended up being fine and maybe much better than if my father was in my life.

It bothers me when I see two people who don't love each other but stay together because they think it'll send the child a "wrong message"about family values. Right now, I have a friend who knocked up this girl he's only known for 2 months and they are getting married and another friend who's pregnant with her on and off again boyfriend who she at the moment can't imagine being with him because he causes too much trouble for her. They both want to be with the person they had the baby with because they think its best for the child.

I personally just feel that's a silly thing to do for reasons mentioned in the first paragraph and I think a child can be completely happy if their parents aren't together. Its not about being together, it's about just simply being a good parents regardless what the situation may be.

That's just my two cents though, what are yours?
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:14 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
24,773 posts, read 27,759,250 times
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I have a friend who's going through this, and I told him pretty much what you said above. He got his then-girlfriend pregnant when she was only 19 (he was almost 30), and decided to "do the right thing" and marry her... 11 years and one more child later they're still married, but it's more like a friendship than a marriage. According to him they have sex maybe once or twice a year, and he's even set up his own bedroom in the basement. The love is gone, but for some reason he refuses to let go - mostly because he had a horrible father, and wants to give his children the "stable family" he never had. But how healthy is a household where the parents don't love each other? He's asked me for advice many times, and I always tell him exactly this... not sure why I bother, since he obviously won't leave until the kids are grown & moved out. Gonna be a LONG time, since the younger kid is only 3 years old!
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:24 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
23,933 posts, read 19,736,670 times
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Some men are very devoted to their children, and they refuse to be away from them no matter what the circumstances. I am in this category; my marriage is horrible, but I will not allow my children to grow up without me. It's for their benefit, but it is also for my benefit.
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:29 PM
 
1,997 posts, read 1,734,330 times
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I’m sorry but I have to admit this kind of stuff just adds to my reasons why I don’t think I want to have children.

I never want to have to live in an unhappy, passionless marriage for my entire life for the sake of my children. What a miserable existence.
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:30 PM
 
10,447 posts, read 7,123,429 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
Some men are very devoted to their children, and they refuse to be away from them no matter what the circumstances. I am in this category; my marriage is horrible, but I will not allow my children to grow up without me. It's for their benefit, but it is also for my benefit.
We have talked about this, and I think it is unfortunate that so many people believe that staying together in a miserable environment does not impact a child. A child knows, no matter how well you think you hide it, he/she is affected by your relationship.

I can't imagine how guilty a child would feel at 18 when dad leaves and he finds out his parents were unhappily married for 18 years for his sake.
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:53 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
23,933 posts, read 19,736,670 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
We have talked about this, and I think it is unfortunate that so many people believe that staying together in a miserable environment does not impact a child. A child knows, no matter how well you think you hide it, he/she is affected by your relationship.

I can't imagine how guilty a child would feel at 18 when dad leaves and he finds out his parents were unhappily married for 18 years for his sake.
I am not unhappily married for my kids' sake - I stay in the marriage because I want to be with them, but I am not blaming THEM for my misery. I am blaming my wife for making our lives miserable.
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:54 PM
 
10,447 posts, read 7,123,429 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
I am not unhappily married for my kids' sake - I stay in the marriage because I want to be with them, but I am not blaming THEM for my misery. I am blaming my wife for making our lives miserable.
I did not say that you were blaming them.
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:56 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
23,933 posts, read 19,736,670 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
I did not say that you were blaming them.
I clarified that in order to make it plain that I'm not trying to make my kids feel guilty for any reason. How would they feel if they didn't have me around because their parents' marriage sucked?
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:59 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
24,773 posts, read 27,759,250 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
I am not unhappily married for my kids' sake - I stay in the marriage because I want to be with them, but I am not blaming THEM for my misery. I am blaming my wife for making our lives miserable.
They can still feel your misery, and that affects a child's emotional state in the long run. Trust me, I saw this with my own eyes! My parents were happy for maybe the first 10 years, and then it started to go downhill quite fast. We (my siblings & I) were 100% aware of their marital problems, even though they were wonderful parents to us. They finally got divorced when I was 20, and my brother was the only child still at home... we were sad about the divorce, but actually quite relieved to no longer deal with their misery secondhand. It changed our family, of course, but we're still close to both parents - who are much happier now in their new lives & relationships (my dad is remarried and my mom has a long-term boyfriend). So it does affect the children, and sometimes it's better to have parents who are HAPPILY living apart but still involved in parenting.
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Old 11-28-2010, 11:02 PM
 
10,447 posts, read 7,123,429 times
Reputation: 15454
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
I clarified that in order to make it plain that I'm not trying to make my kids feel guilty for any reason. How would they feel if they didn't have me around because their parents' marriage sucked?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gizmo980 View Post
They can still feel your misery, and that affects a child's emotional state in the long run. Trust me, I saw this with my own eyes! My parents were happy for maybe the first 10 years, and then it started to go downhill quite fast. We (my siblings & I) were 100% aware of their marital problems, even though they were wonderful parents to us. They finally got divorced when I was 20, and my brother was the only child still at home... we were sad about the divorce, but actually quite relieved to no longer deal with their misery secondhand. It changed our family, of course, but we're still close to both parents - who are much happier now in their new lives & relationships (my dad is remarried and my mom has a long-term boyfriend). So it does affect the children, and sometimes it's better to have parents who are HAPPILY living apart but still involved in parenting.
There you have it.
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