Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-21-2011, 07:26 AM
 
674 posts, read 1,158,726 times
Reputation: 569

Advertisements

I was out with my gf the other night with some friends and something felt a little off with her at one point. She had disappeared to "go get a drink at the bar" with her best friend and they were there talking quite a while.

Not sure if this part matters, but her best friend is dating one of my good friends who is still married, but going through divorce. She's knows about it but is sensitive about it and I accidentally slipped after a few margaritas something about how he used to take his wedding ring off at parties since he knew it was ending. Her friend got a little upset but my gf talked her down and it was cool.

Long story short, everything has been great to this point, been with my gf for 3 months, we're in our late 20s, and it's been completely perfect. No fights so far and our communications is awesome. All day and all week she had been texting me about how excited she was to see me and couldn't wait for later that night. Then after all this at dinner/drinks (we both have about 6 or 7 drinks and a shot in us by now), we get back to my place....

She says "I just wanna go to sleep if that's ok". I said ok, but I asked if something was wrong. She starts crying. She tells me that just tonight she started to think about us and had some doubt. I asked more about it as my initial thought was she was going to break up with me. So I told her to elaborate. She did, saying that it's not something she was thinking about other than just tonight, but while out with me tonight she wondered to herself if she could see herself marrying me, and that she didn't know. I told her if she knows that she can't see herself with me in the long run, meaning there's no chance she could possibly be with me in the end or marriage then that I'd want to know now. She said she just usually knows after 3 months if she sees herself marrying a guy she's with and that she was still unsure about me. We talked more about it until we fell asleep, she talked about how we're different in some ways, but that she loves so many things about me and that I've made her super happy since being with her.

The next morning she apologized about it, I said I was glad we were able to talk about it, but I admitted I was freaked out. I told her I was still a little scared about what she said to me last night. She started crying a little bit because she felt bad and didn't want to scare me. We talked some more, I told her we were maybe moving too fast and should slow it down a little, and that it's ok if you don't know if we could get married, it's too early. We ended up making up and being intimate (twice) before she left for the weekend.

Talked to her friend the next day and apologized again for the night before, she said everything is fine and that my gf was a little more upset than she was about it. Even though my gf denied it, she said this didn't have any affect on why she was "doubting" last night.

Well I've had the weekend to think about it and I'm still a little worried. I don't know how someone can go from being super excited to seeing them to doubting them the very same day. She insists I didn't do anything wrong, she just was having a mini-freakout that night about our future. I'm having a hard time letting it go. Her texts and our phone conversations this weekend have seemed from her like everything is back to normal wonderfulness on her end, but I'm still a little freaked. I didn't see any of this coming and I don't know how to respond to it. She is supposed to meet my dad in a couple weeks and I haven't met her family yet. She's mentioned the meeting of her family but also flip flops on the subject because she is always talking about the future with us and how she wants to make sure I'm going to be around for a while before she has me meet family. I've tried to tell her I am going to be here and tried to show that by offering to have her meet my dad first. Now I'm not so sure I want to do that. I don't want her meeting my family if she's having doubts. Given this is the first doubt she's had, but what if it keeps popping up? If she isn't sure about me after how great things have gone with us then I just want to run. I want to end it before I get too hurt from it, but at the same time I don't want to sabotage it. I'm still freaked.

Sorry for the vent, I just dont know what to do, I want to keep going on as normal but it's hard to forget about this as I don't have much experience with relationships.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-21-2011, 07:38 AM
 
2,066 posts, read 4,322,804 times
Reputation: 1992
It's kind of funny that she would say "after 3 months" she usually knows if she wants to marry a guy... yet her "intuition" is obviously off since she isn't married

Have you gotten [7 drinks and a shot] liquored up with her before? Maybe she's one of those that get emotional when drunk?

Just let it go, and if you still like her and want to be with her demonstrate that and quiet her fears....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 08:58 AM
 
674 posts, read 1,158,726 times
Reputation: 569
Quote:
Originally Posted by recuerdeme View Post
It's kind of funny that she would say "after 3 months" she usually knows if she wants to marry a guy... yet her "intuition" is obviously off since she isn't married

Have you gotten [7 drinks and a shot] liquored up with her before? Maybe she's one of those that get emotional when drunk?

Just let it go, and if you still like her and want to be with her demonstrate that and quiet her fears....
I found this a little pre-emptive as well, but she was just being honest with her thoughts and I realize not all of our thoughts are reasonable all the time. A little history about her: she was in a relationship for 3.5 years with a guy before she ended it because she realized she couldn't marry him. She also claimed she wants a "fairy tale" fall 100% in love-type feeling like one of her friends had which her friend met a guy in the caribbean on a trip and they fell in love in a week and she moved to the island to be with him recently. I can see how all this may have an effect on her. But it still hurts to hear her have doubt, even if she's over it and is acting like all is normal.

I have been drunk with her before and there really hasn't been anything like this. I know everyone has some sort of emotional amplification while intoxicated, so I think that explains the tears, but I don't know. I haven't been with her long enough to know.

I know I should let it go, but it still does bother me and it makes me a little cautious now. Friends have told me that if I back away then it'll upset her and only hurt the relationship, but I'm still a little freaked out and it still stings a little. I think she's able to tell a little from our phone conversations as she has asked me a couple times now "are you ok?".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 09:37 AM
 
5,460 posts, read 7,737,261 times
Reputation: 4631
Sounds like you've forgiven her; she's forgiven you, and that both of you has been able to open up a lil as to what's on your minds and in terms of future intentions. If you do love her, just try to focus on the present and the future, rater than worrying about the past recent events you'd mentioned
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 09:56 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,483,717 times
Reputation: 26727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chi-turtle View Post
She also claimed she wants a "fairy tale" fall 100% in love-type feeling like one of her friends had which her friend met a guy in the caribbean on a trip and they fell in love in a week and she moved to the island to be with him recently.
Three months of dating, alcohol talk and sex afterwards isn't unusual. Talking about a fairy tale marriage after such a short dating period is daft. After 26 years of living in the Caribbean and seeing these kinds of relationships come and go like the Trade winds, my bet would be that this fantasy your new girlfriend is lusting/fantasizing after won't work out where her friend is concerned. Remain cautious.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 10:27 AM
 
674 posts, read 1,158,726 times
Reputation: 569
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
Three months of dating, alcohol talk and sex afterwards isn't unusual. Talking about a fairy tale marriage after such a short dating period is daft. After 26 years of living in the Caribbean and seeing these kinds of relationships come and go like the Trade winds, my bet would be that this fantasy your new girlfriend is lusting/fantasizing after won't work out where her friend is concerned. Remain cautious.
Well what's bothering me the most right now is that everything is back to normal. In 3 months everything has been perfect and she's been very verbal about how much she likes me, can't wait to see me, etc.

Even now as I type this she's telling me how she hopes my day at work flies by and she's looking forward to seeing me tonight. It's like nothing happened to her, and maybe that's indication of how little of a doubt this was, but this was a big eye-opener to me. When she first initiated the drunk/crying conversation that night I literally thought she was going to break up with me and my heart skipped a beat. I don't know if I'm fully recovered from that experience yet and she's going back to talking about how she misses me. It's like it didn't happen for her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 10:53 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,483,717 times
Reputation: 26727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chi-turtle View Post
Well what's bothering me the most right now is that everything is back to normal. In 3 months everything has been perfect and she's been very verbal about how much she likes me, can't wait to see me, etc.

Even now as I type this she's telling me how she hopes my day at work flies by and she's looking forward to seeing me tonight. It's like nothing happened to her, and maybe that's indication of how little of a doubt this was, but this was a big eye-opener to me. When she first initiated the drunk/crying conversation that night I literally thought she was going to break up with me and my heart skipped a beat. I don't know if I'm fully recovered from that experience yet and she's going back to talking about how she misses me. It's like it didn't happen for her.
Look, we all have issues and some more than others. The inner demons can be controlled and beaten to an extent but they're still there waiting to raise their ugly little heads when the barriers crack a little. Talk to any alcoholic, drug abuser or abused person and they'll attest to that.

I wouldn't sweat the issue too much right now as your relationship is still very young but in a quiet moment you might want to bring up the incident, express your feelings in a non-hostile way and let her talk about it. The ability to allow someone to talk can be such a catharsis for them and an eye-opener for the quiet recipient.

Don't be closing doors - lack of communication is the root of the demise of most relationships. You obviously care about her quite a bit.

If it becomes a pattern then there might be a bigger problem you're not able or willing to deal with. Good luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 11:00 AM
 
1,206 posts, read 2,920,706 times
Reputation: 1152
I think it takes longer then 3 months to know whether you want to marry someone. Id say at least a year. I think you should put this behind you, and not let your fears hurt the relationship. Just let it go, she has concerns, everyone does.

Marriage is a big step and for her it might be scary so shes not sure, as maybe she feels like she reallly MIGHT get married this time. Just focus on having a solid foundation in terms of compatibility, and disagreement/fight resolution. Those are the best predictors of a long successful relationship. (passion tends to die out)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 11:04 AM
 
2,725 posts, read 5,175,812 times
Reputation: 1963
Sometimes when a person decides to end a relationship, the decision was made way before it was announced. They just didn't know how to articulate the problem because sometimes you can't put your finger on it. They do however give hints. I am not suggesting that something is wrong with you. Her fairy-tale makes me think it is her.

One way to know if her doubting was a thing of the past is how she treats you now. Does she find you less funny? Less attentive? Less caring? Does she find ways of trying to improve you? Do you do anything to keep her?

I would not ignore a change in her behavior. I would not ignore a problem she thinks exists.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-21-2011, 11:15 AM
 
674 posts, read 1,158,726 times
Reputation: 569
Thank you for the insightful words and I agree with you all.

I don't think I did anything wrong, she's told me I've been perfect the whole time, she just had some intense thoughts and wasn't sure about some things. That's ok with me as I told her, I don't know if I'm going to marry her either. I just think there's the potential for that otherwise I wouldn't be with her to this point, and that's all I know right now. If this keeps popping up then it's definitely cause for concern.

I am seeing her tonight, but I'm wondering if I should tell her about how I feel right now. I don't want to upset her and I don't want to push her away if she's really moved on from this. I guess part of me wants some reassurance that she is over it and that she does still want to be with me. The last thing I want is for her to keep having doubts while I become more emotionally invested over time. Do I keep this one to myself or do I try and talk to her about it? One reason I feel like telling her is that she was honest with me and always has been, it would be fair for me to do the same. But I really want to move on from it, get past it, and just be happy with her and I think by just spending time with her it'll pass.

What should I do?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top