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when you start seeing someone seriously in a relationship, even one that is already a family the idea is to become part of that family, a PARTNER to your husband/wife/girlfrined/boyfriend, not just "that guy my mother married"
if shes serious about this relationship she would be encoraging the op to be a part of the kids upbringing (they are both kids from the sounds of it despite age) and giving him the respect and backup that the kids need to see in order to respect him themselves.
i also agree...some kids are just not good kids, its not nessicarily their fault (my ex's kid was just repeating things she heard her mother say or doing things her mother told her to) but it doesnt mean they are innocent...when she would stand behind her father grinning while i got reprimanded or tell me "your going to get in trouble for turning the tv off on me" and then suddenly bursting into tears before running off to daddy...even at 4-5yrs old..she knew EXACTLY what she was doing...
but of course, all "step parents" who dont put up with their step kids rotten behaviour are just horrible people...right?!
when you start seeing someone seriously in a relationship, even one that is already a family the idea is to become part of that family, a PARTNER to your husband/wife/girlfrined/boyfriend, not just "that guy my mother married"
if shes serious about this relationship she would be encoraging the op to be a part of the kids upbringing (they are both kids from the sounds of it despite age) and giving him the respect and backup that the kids need to see in order to respect him themselves.
i also agree...some kids are just not good kids, its not nessicarily their fault (my ex's kid was just repeating things she heard her mother say or doing things her mother told her to) but it doesnt mean they are innocent...when she would stand behind her father grinning while i got reprimanded or tell me "your going to get in trouble for turning the tv off on me" and then suddenly bursting into tears before running off to daddy...even at 4-5yrs old..she knew EXACTLY what she was doing...
but of course, all "step parents" who dont put up with their step kids rotten behaviour are just horrible people...right?!
I wouldn't tolerate my kids acting like that to be honest. I will expect them to be somewhat upset over the fact, but that doesn't mean they can treat anyone like dirt. And the fact that years later most kids are still doing this has nothing to do with the divorce but everything to do with your parenting style. What did the father say when you told her she was grinning ? You are nicer than i would be...because i would have smacked her rump right there. She would have learned a bit of a lesson on talking to me like trash.
I dealt with this with my bf, his kids are much younger though 4 and 7. 1st off, talk about it with the mother and you only. You two need to decide what type of standard front you want to present to the kids. 2nd with these ages you have to pick your battles.
You can't degrade the kids you can make them think about their actions. Instead of saying the girl is acting like a b____, say something like listen to how you are talking to your own mother, how would you feel if I treated you like that? or I don't talk to stray dogs like that. Say something that will make her feel embarrassed about how she is acting but not degrade her as a person, like calling her a name. Do you see the difference? Girls can read way more into something than guys do so that is why you have to becareful how you present your argument.
Same thing for the boy, is momma satisfied with how her kids act? does she what to change it? She might look like the bad guy for a few months but isn't that better than having your kids disrespect you until the day you die? How they learn to treat her now will be the way they always treat her.
My bf thought his kids acted like animals too, the thing is his ex brainwashed him into thinking he was supposed to be the "fun" parent. Never discipline them give them what ever they ask for, ect. This of course made them act like heatherns and why she would even want to deal with them like that is beyond me. My bf and I discussed it together and realized we were raised basically the same way and it was total opposite of what he was doing then, so we went back to doing what our mom's would have done and that is not putting up with a bunch of tantrums from a child.
Also note you and the mom can discuss punishments together but she should be the one to impliment them. don't let them talk back to her (it sounds like she needs some reinforcement) but she should say what is going to happen first. If they start talking back, thell them their mother made her decision, end of discussion, if you don't like it don't do what ever it was again. Don't keep arguing back and forth, the decision is final. btw do not tell them to move out, they will hold that against you for the rest of your life.
Women, argue differently than men, we think more and listen less, we will hone in on one thing you said and think about what our response is going to be the rest of the time you are talking. Be to the point, rambling will result in your demise
Last edited by lmabernathy; 12-03-2010 at 07:47 AM..
My brother had to deal with a situation like yours. He married a woman with three kids and all of them literally sucked the life out of him. It's been about 15 years and he still hasn't completely recovered. If I were you I would run!
Is this a hopeless proposition?
My GF is 44 im 52. She has 2 kids a 21 yr old daughter and a 7 yr old son.
They both live with her. The father of the daughter has little to do with her, he walked out when her Mom was pregnant with her. The father of her son was married to Mom for 12 years. They divorced 4 yrs ago and he moved 900 miles away. He visits a couple weekends a month and gets him for the summer. He calls every day. He spoils the boy rotten. He buys him everything he asks for. His Mom then feels she has to keep up and she cant. Doesnt have near the resources. She worries her son will go live with dad if she doesn't. She has very little control over the boy. He fights everything, eating dinner, brushing his teeth, going to bed, everything is a battle nearly every day. He yells at her, talks back, she has no real control.
She has to negotiate everything with him to get him to do anything. She feels guilty about her divorce with both her kids.
The 21 yr old has what i call the princess syndrome. Heck her email is princess. She writes on her facebook at the end of her bio, so yes you see Im pretty awesome. She acts like the Mom in the household. She bosses her Mom around too.
I of course can't say a thing. I once told the daughter to stop being such a b**** and wow did i pay for that.
I care very much for this woman but i see things with the kids are not going to change.
She has told me my kids come first and they are my life.
Have any of you been in this position?
Yes..I was dating this man..who had one daughter who was 21..she didnt do anything..It was his house...but I told him I didnt want his house dirty when I went over there..thats just gross...His daughter would leave a big mess she had their house trashed out..He wouldnt tell her to clean or anything..I told him when he came over to my house it was cleaned and it was no fair that he couldnt accompany me at his house because he refused to tell his daughter to clean..Damn it was only them 2 in the house..they dont have no kids..So I told him I couldnt continue with the relationship...who wants to go to a dirty house..My daughter is 20 and she dont act like that..
I refuse to date anyone who has spoiled kids...
Hopefully what I'm going to say here is a stretch but it DID happen. An old friend of mine found himself in almost the exact situation the OP finds himself in. When his girlfriends daughter decided that she didnt like him telling her that she needed to grow up and stop being such a *itch, she told him that if he didnt back off she would tell her mom that he "touched" her. He was packed and gone the next day! I guess I'm just trying to say be careful! Good luck.
I used to have a friend from nanimo who would always give me her unwanted opinion on things no matter the subject. And if i dared mention how i disagreed she would throw a tizzy fit and blame me for starting the argument. So unless you are her you are okay .
I used to have a friend from nanimo who would always give me her unwanted opinion on things no matter the subject. And if i dared mention how i disagreed she would throw a tizzy fit and blame me for starting the argument. So unless you are her you are okay .
Hopefully what I'm going to say here is a stretch but it DID happen. An old friend of mine found himself in almost the exact situation the OP finds himself in. When his girlfriends daughter decided that she didnt like him telling her that she needed to grow up and stop being such a *itch, she told him that if he didnt back off she would tell her mom that he "touched" her. He was packed and gone the next day! I guess I'm just trying to say be careful! Good luck.
I don't blame you or your friend! Although 99.99999999% of parents on the internet have raised well-behaved little angels, you and I have to deal with reality. There's nothing wrong with being careful. If that means avoiding single parents so be it!
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