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Old 12-09-2010, 12:10 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
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Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Sometimes people don't realize how they good they had it until they go out looking for something else. Maybe they find something they think is better only to discover later that it isn't. Or they never find anything better and realize they should've appreciated what they had before. I think part of the problem is that we live in a culture that's constantly telling us that there's something better out there and that you deserve only the best. Like your job? So what? You deserve more money. Like your phone? So what? There's a new version out that's even better. Like your house? So what? Banks are giving away free money so you can buy an even bigger house. People have become objects, things that you can trade in for an upgrade. We do this with everything else so it's no surprise that it's done with actual people.

Don't know how that applies in all cases, but I know when someone's wrong for me. And that's the case.
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Old 12-09-2010, 02:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by recuerdeme View Post
Hmm and where have you seen or heard about this interesting "fear"?

I've never known anyone to go around worrying that someone thinks he or she settled for their partner.
Do you think they're going to tell you? Of course not. But you can infer it from some of their choices. Take the overweight guy who refuses to consider dating an overweight woman. He's holding out for the supermodel. Why? Partly because he doesn't want to be seen as the guy who couldn't do better than the overweight girl. Same reason a lot of guys won't date a single mom. They may actually like her, but they know their friends and family will shake their heads and say "you can do better." Think about how often that phrase gets uttered in our culture. No one wants to hear it about the person they picked.
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Old 12-09-2010, 04:43 PM
 
83 posts, read 147,589 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Imagine you're a woman who normally dates guys 5'10" and above, but now you're dating someone 5'7". Or maybe you're an average looking guy who's been chasing after thin girls his whole life, but now you're dating a woman who's slightly overweight. Maybe you're a single mom who normally went after bad boys, but now you're dating the average looking nice guy who's more reliable and trustworthy. And maybe that guy normally pursued women who didn't have kids. What do all of these people have in common? They're all seen as people who settled.

What I find interesting is this fear that people have about being seen as someone who settled. You'd think that after high school, people wouldn't be so hung up on what others think. But I guess being image-conscious never really goes away.

What's also interesting is that people whose priorities have simply changed are still seen as having settled. Take the example of the single mom. Maybe before she had a kid, she only dated the good-looking bad boys who treated her like dirt. So she learned the hard way that someone who's more honest and trustworthy would be better for her, even if he's not as good-looking. Or how about the guy who married the really hot girl he met in college? She was so hot that he didn't care that she was selfish, immature, and dumb as toast. But after being married to her for 10 years and perhaps being cheated on, he realizes that looks aren't everything and that qualities he undervalued before like honesty, intelligence, and maturity matter more to him now. So he marries a plain looking woman with an average body who has those qualities. Both of these people, particularly the single mom, would be seen as people who settled. But rather than calling it that, why not simply accept that people's standards change?

I think that's a big reason why dating is so hard for some people. Countless women will complain that there are no good men left. A lot of men will say the same thing about women. But it begs the question. What do you consider good enough? You're never going to find your ideal person and have to be willing to make trade-offs. But it seems like in today's culture, that's seen as a bad thing. You deserve the best. Don't accept anything less than perfect. No wonder so many people can't find what they're looking for or they're never happy with what they have already. And if you decide that some qualities aren't that important to you anymore, watch out. Someone will say you're settling.
Many people are too vain to listen to their inner instincts when in relationships. Unfortunately, when one listens to instincts, physical attributes,wealth etc are not important, but this is what most people focus on. Without the attractive partner with two BMWs and a boat, everyone around would call it 'settling.'

One can usually tell after a short (or maybe longer) period, whether there is an intellectual/emotional connection with the other person. This, I think, is what's most important. However, because of what Nancy Neighbor thinks about the person you are dating, great potential relationships tend to be ignored, while trying to find the proverbial trophy.

Personally, when I see couples where one is extremely good looking and the other is just average, or even not a looker at all, I tend to think that those are the people that did not settle, in most cases.
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Old 12-09-2010, 04:58 PM
 
8,679 posts, read 15,245,698 times
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Who cares what other people think?

I mean, really. If someone else thinks you're "settling" (in the pejorative sense of the word), who cares? What business is it of theirs?

Frankly, I think people who use language like that are jealous, insecure, or somehow threatened or envious that someone else found a perfect match for themselves. They just can't stand to see someone else be happy.

Yes, "perfect match." Remember, it's not Mr. or Ms. Right. It's Mr. or Ms. Right For You.

Everyone else can go jump off a cliff and use their opinions as a parachute.
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:21 PM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,639 posts, read 20,133,913 times
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Originally Posted by Avienne View Post
Who cares what other people think?

I mean, really. If someone else thinks you're "settling" (in the pejorative sense of the word), who cares? What business is it of theirs?
See, I'm not even really concerned with what other people think. I'm the one who tends to drive myself crazy weighing the pros and cons of all my possible options.

You know, when a little something pops up in a relationship and you're like "What?" or maybe you're even like "WTF??!?!??!" and then you don't know exactly what your intuition is telling you to do..

Is it a red flag or is it a learning experience or something you may need to overcome... ?! Hmmmm...Sometimes I just don't know.

I think "settling" is a much more personal experience that weighs heavily on your mind...
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:38 PM
 
2,953 posts, read 2,893,070 times
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Maybe it is just settling into a different chapter in life. I mean I'm in my late 20s and my priorities have changed 360. Thank God I didn't get married earlier or I probably would have married the wrong woman! When guys are in their teens and early twenties, one thing matters, LOOKS! That's it, that's all. There is so much testosterone raging through us, we are incapable of rationalizing what a relationship is in favor of laying as many women as possible.

Now, I look more forward to a home cooked meals, a good conversation, laughter, and a woman who is comfortable with here body, despite the imperfections. I've been dating one woman for months now, and am thinking about marrying her. I'm a good looking guy, very good looking, probably in the top tenth of one percent. My girl is good looking, just not "model." Did I settle? Yes. Do I care? Nah. I may have settled on looks but gained 10fold in personality. I know well enough when I meet a woman I'm never going to meet another of again. If she has children and gains a few, I don't care. I just don't care; I don't

Amazing how we turn out so much like our parents. I grew up with a father on the straight and narrow. No bars, no drinking, no smoking, very morally high standing. Only later in my twenties when his long time friends weren't afraid to spill the beans, that back in his day, he was a playboy by profession My father a playboy hahaha!!! But he met my mother, had me, and "settled" into a different, for the better, life. Never thought I'd live or would ever care to live the same life, and here I am stepping in the same footsteps.
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Old 12-09-2010, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,645 posts, read 38,589,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HansProof View Post
Maybe it is just settling into a different chapter in life. I mean I'm in my late 20s and my priorities have changed 360. Thank God I didn't get married earlier or I probably would have married the wrong woman! When guys are in their teens and early twenties, one thing matters, LOOKS! That's it, that's all. There is so much testosterone raging through us, we are incapable of rationalizing what a relationship is in favor of laying as many women as possible.

Now, I look more forward to a home cooked meals, a good conversation, laughter, and a woman who is comfortable with here body, despite the imperfections. I've been dating one woman for months now, and am thinking about marrying her. I'm a good looking guy, very good looking, probably in the top tenth of one percent. My girl is good looking, just not "model." Did I settle? Yes. Do I care? Nah. I may have settled on looks but gained 10fold in personality. I know well enough when I meet a woman I'm never going to meet another of again. If she has children and gains a few, I don't care. I just don't care; I don't

Amazing how we turn out so much like our parents. I grew up with a father on the straight and narrow. No bars, no drinking, no smoking, very morally high standing. Only later in my twenties when his long time friends weren't afraid to spill the beans, that back in his day, he was a playboy by profession My father a playboy hahaha!!! But he met my mother, had me, and "settled" into a different, for the better, life. Never thought I'd live or would ever care to live the same life, and here I am stepping in the same footsteps.
You're humble as well. Your looks are surpassed only by your level of humility. Top hundredth of one percent, perhaps.
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Old 12-09-2010, 07:36 PM
 
1,960 posts, read 4,653,688 times
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Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
You're humble as well. Your looks are surpassed only by your level of humility. Top hundredth of one percent, perhaps.
LOL my thoughts exactly. What a character.

I'm in my late 20s myself (29), divorced, and I came out the complete opposite going forward. Physical attraction is important to me more than ever. I settled for a woman for 7 years which did not have a body I was attracted to. Cute face, but the spark was never there, I did not crave her body. I valued the company, the sex was ok albeit infrequent as the years passed and we compromised a lot for 7 years. 7 years too long, she was unhappy with a lot of the elements of the relationship and the fact she felt I wasn't head over heels about her (I wasn't, but was a good husband and a decent human being and partner to her) was one of them. Led her to the rationalization that it was ok to seek that attention in other men and proceeded to cheat on me, while continuing to hold on to the relationship for the obvious conveniences and securities that said long term companionship provided.

It was a spineless and selfish thing for her to put me through, but I recognize I should have been more 'shallow' and recognized being a 'good guy' and attempting to value relationships as if we were to dismiss looks like we're some sort of perennial 85 year olds in de facto platonic relationships, is as disingenuous as the very society that scold us for being 'shallow'. Never again. The idea that physical attraction and emotional/companionship compatibility are mutually exclusive is also garbage. That people will forego all elements of a relationship to guarantee companionship is noted, doesn't make it inherently valuable of a pursuit to me.

At this point I'm willing to pain through loneliness if I can't get what I'm seeking attraction-wise. When I'm 80, sure we'll go for company, but I can get that TODAY from my mother and sister if all I'm looking for is a good conversation and unconditional love. That's not what seeking a life partner should be solely about. That's as unbalanced as going for a 'look' only. I know where I stand looks wise (solid 8.0, 8.5 w/ a tan LOL), have a healthy lifestyle and take care of my body. I know attractive women have optimism-biased expectations of the men they want next to them, but time takes care of that and as a man about to start my 30s, time is on the man's side. Let the staring contest begin.
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Old 12-09-2010, 07:44 PM
 
8,518 posts, read 15,617,653 times
Reputation: 7711
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avienne View Post
Who cares what other people think?

I mean, really. If someone else thinks you're "settling" (in the pejorative sense of the word), who cares? What business is it of theirs?

Frankly, I think people who use language like that are jealous, insecure, or somehow threatened or envious that someone else found a perfect match for themselves. They just can't stand to see someone else be happy.

Yes, "perfect match." Remember, it's not Mr. or Ms. Right. It's Mr. or Ms. Right For You.
I agree that it shouldn't matter what other people think, especially if those people are total strangers. But the fact is that a lot of people factor other people's opinions into their decisions all the time. Just look at men who, after having kids, buy a big SUV. Why do you think that is? In a lot of cases, it's because they don't want to be seen driving a minivan. So there you have an example of worrying about what others think. When it comes to relationships, a lot of people do worry about how their choice of partner will reflect on them. They also want to feel like they did just as good, if not better, than their friends and family. If a guy meets a great girl, his friends will tell themselves they deserve nothing less. He might meet a great girl who's right for him, but then he might compare her his friend's girlfriend, see that she's not as good, and decide she's no longer good enough. I agree that such a man is an idiot. But it does happen.
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Old 12-09-2010, 08:17 PM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,645 posts, read 38,589,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
I agree that it shouldn't matter what other people think, especially if those people are total strangers. But the fact is that a lot of people factor other people's opinions into their decisions all the time. Just look at men who, after having kids, buy a big SUV. Why do you think that is? In a lot of cases, it's because they don't want to be seen driving a minivan.
LOL

I drove a minivan for 10 years until July, when I traded it in and got an SUV. I did so because 1. I like the SUV and 2. My kids like it. They especially like the DVD entertainment system in the middle seats.
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