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Old 07-27-2007, 04:15 AM
 
Location: NoVa
17,982 posts, read 17,742,814 times
Reputation: 18268

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyhelena View Post
Cinderobyn-

You are doing well. i am a little comfused- your MIL??????? Legally as far as therapy is concerned it is against patient confidentiality- and also why is she speaking with your dr./therapist???
She is the one who, with my dh, served the papers against me. She says she saw me bang my head against the wall, which I did not, and there is a witness to prove it, BIL, so, she and my dh went to the magistrates office and put the ECO against me. She had to do an interview, and I had to do one.
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Old 07-27-2007, 04:27 AM
 
Location: NoVa
17,982 posts, read 17,742,814 times
Reputation: 18268
Default Dream perspective

OK, in my dream last night, or this morning...LOL I was happy. I was a very happy person in my dream, the alarm went off at 5 and woke me up from my dream, so I guess it was this morning

Real life: For the longest time, I was not allowed to have coffee in the house, not allowed to brew it. Dh did not like the smell, so I was not allowed to have a coffee maker...AT ALL. For years. Finally, about a year ago, I bought a small 4 cup coffee maker, after all of this time of drinking instant...eww and thought what the heck.

He complains every day, and he gets over it every day.

In my dream there is a man who drinks coffee...with me. Maybe one day, it will happen. Maybe dh was upset I never drank beer with him, who knows.

What I know, is that in my dream, I was a very happy person, and most all times, my dreams come true. Some times, I have very bad dreams. I have dreams about death, and they also come true. This, I don't like, but it is a feature, unfortunately, I am programmed with.

But to wake up feeling happy, because dreaming that one day I will be happy again...to me, is a good thing.

Now, that is a dream perspective only.

I have yet to get my walk insight, and I have already giving my middle of the night blah blah blahs...

I sit here, with my Tinkerbell cup of chocolate coffee, drinking alone. Taking off my bracelet, as not to wake the whole household with my typing, and the clanking of the bracelet on the keyboard.

It is a good feeling. To wake up and feel happy. Every day he tells me he loves me. More than once a day. This used to eat at my soul, I am trying to not let it, for the things he did to us. It is hard. He comes from behind me and hugs me, tells me I have excellent huggability, I wish he would not do that. I wish he would break free from me, and face reality.

I don't know if there is much else to say....until after my walk, please forgive the posting fool...it is my way. Today, I am smiling.

Robyn

Last edited by Pikantari; 07-27-2007 at 04:28 AM.. Reason: I type, therefore, I am
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Old 07-27-2007, 06:55 AM
 
Location: NE Florida
17,834 posts, read 21,691,038 times
Reputation: 43116
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinderobyn View Post
He comes from behind me and hugs me, tells me I have excellent huggability, I wish he would not do that. I wish he would break free from me, and face reality.
Robyn
Robyn
You are about to be separated from him. If you do not want physical contact do not just wish he won't, tell him you do not wish him to hug you. You know I think the world of you but in another post you said you are still sharing your marital bed with him. This is sending him mixed signals. If I was about to file divorce/separation papers on someone the last thing I would want to do is share a bed with them. This is part of the steps to help him "break free" and face reality.
These two lines are very concerning.
"I want to say something to him, but I know that his fit of rage can come out, at any time."
"my problem is...I also know him.... I know how his fits of rage can come out over a bottle of ketchup, no less me asking about him moving out."
If these are not reason enough to get him out of your house not to mention your bed nothing is. Sorry but with that kind of possible rage coming out being alone with him may not be a wise decision.
Why can't he go stay with his mother or brother.
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Old 07-27-2007, 06:56 AM
 
Location: NoVa
17,982 posts, read 17,742,814 times
Reputation: 18268
Default Walking insight

Back from my walk. 3.662 miles today, got a late start, 20 minutes late, but got home on time.

Strange thing, Dave Matthews played on the way again. Not a problem, like me some Dave. So, I got there. Began my walk. Thought of my dream, began to smile.

Thought of my sister. When I was there she was concerned about me, I called her to let her know I was doing ok. During this time, she is on her way to DC from Maryland, to work.

I told her about the night I looked in the mirror and saw our Mom, and she said, you know, she had that look her whole life, she had that look when she died. I said, I know. But I never realized the magnitude of it until the day it was on my face, and I saw her, instead of myself, in the mirror, in my reflection.

We both fell silent, thinking of our lost mother. It's hard to be without her. This Christmas Eve will be seven years. I told her that was last week. Then I told her of the smile. I told her of the happy look in my face, in my eyes. The one I did not recognize! The one I saw in the mirror a few mornings ago.

I was getting ready to walk out the door this morning as J was waking up to go to work. He asked where is the love. Funny, since it is the very title of this ever growing thread. I hugged him goodbye. I reminded him that we cannot file our separation papers until he has another address other than this one.

You know, I hated telling him that first thing in the morning, but to me, this week for him has been like happy-go-lucky. He has refused to do anything around the house. Thats fine, it puts me in prep mode. But he is all lovey-dovey towards me, hugs and kisses, I love you. But not stepping into reality.

He did, the other day ask me if I got the phone number off of a house that is for rent down the street and I said yes, but it is taken, and that I got a lot of other places and numbers, but these people need to speak w him.

I don't know what kind of day he will have, after my comment today. I'm hopefully not too bad of one...I told him to please drive safely, if you dont remember, he is a truck driver. The day before yesterday, the police used his truck to block 4 lanes of traffic to have a helicopter land in the road to pick up an accident victim. Things like that worry me. He said he needs to get extra life insurance, I agreed. I do as well. The kids need to be covered, and it needs to be made known that his mother will not get them.

My sister, or his sister, I don't know. We need wills, I suppose. Everyone does, but we have never done it. I guess now, we really do have to. Hopefully nothing will happen to either of us, but never, not ever, will I allow his mother to raise my kids.

I suppose thats it for now. Left it on a downer.

How about this... I know that I have happiness in my future. Happiness for my children and myself. Exactly when it will all come together, I don't know. Right now, I am experiencing more happiness than I have in all 12 years of my marriage, as well as the 4 years that we were together before that. It is heartbreaking, but at the same time, the most wonderful feeling in the world. Knowing I am moving foward and things are going to be ok, and they will. I have faith in it.

Robyn

Last edited by Pikantari; 07-27-2007 at 06:59 AM.. Reason: my thoughts and words collide
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Old 07-27-2007, 07:09 AM
 
Location: NoVa
17,982 posts, read 17,742,814 times
Reputation: 18268
Quote:
Originally Posted by myfask View Post
Robyn
You are about to be separated from him. If you do not want physical contact do not just wish he won't, tell him you do not wish him to hug you. You know I think the world of you but in another post you said you are still sharing your marital bed with him. This is sending him mixed signals. If I was about to file divorce/separation papers on someone the last thing I would want to do is share a bed with them. This is part of the steps to help him "break free" and face reality.
These two lines are very concerning.
"I want to say something to him, but I know that his fit of rage can come out, at any time."
"my problem is...I also know him.... I know how his fits of rage can come out over a bottle of ketchup, no less me asking about him moving out."
If these are not reason enough to get him out of your house not to mention your bed nothing is. Sorry but with that kind of possible rage coming out being alone with him may not be a wise decision.
Why can't he go stay with his mother or brother.
Karla,

Everything in your statement is perfectly right, and true. My next post includes me telling him he needs a new address, so that we can file. I am very uncomfortable with him hugging me...I wan't him to stop. I feel like in his mind, sometimes, none of this has happened. It is like a strange phenomenon. Hopefully today he will work on that. He has a friend that said he can stay at his place. I will remind him of that, and I will talk to him about the hugs, and I guess I will move onto the couch.

There is an apartment building that has flats, is very inexpensive. It has just a small kitchen, and the rest of the apartment is one big room, for your bed and like a small living room area, of course a bathroom. I will call there today.

I know you are correct in all you said. I know this, and I believe this. We are trying to be civil for the kids. I think alot of this is coming from him, is part of that, but also, he still loves me, and I dont think it has hit him, as it needs to.

He doesn't seem to be able to work on this, so I will. When I post these things here, and I get output like yours, it is a good thing for me. Because sometimes I just see things as my being uncomfortable, and then I see things a different way. We were supposed to go to the counselor on Aug 2nd together. Makes me wonder if we still should...maybe to just get things out, and make him realize, through anothers eyes.

I just need to weight them out and do what is best. Thank you so much. And, you see, that is why this morning, I told him, you need a new address. Last night I was so worn out, I couldn't even talk about any of it. I just had to sleep. And, it is what I did. ((((Karla))))))))

Robyn
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Old 07-27-2007, 07:37 AM
 
Location: NE Florida
17,834 posts, read 21,691,038 times
Reputation: 43116
Your welcome robyn
but he should be the one on the couch with your health concerns you need the bed. If the sofa is uncomfortable for him it will give him more motivation to find a place. remember he has a comfy place to sleep someone to cook his meals and clean up after him. He may need a little motivation.
Your main concern is you and your childrens health and welfare.
keep being strong
karla
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Old 07-27-2007, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth/Dallas
11,879 posts, read 25,505,274 times
Reputation: 5396
I agree with myfask Robyn. Also, HE should be the one spending time looking for another place. It sounds like he is putting all of the responsibility on your shoulders and HE should be the one doing the searching. I'm not trying to tell you what to do because you understand this man, and to me it sounds as if he's unstable and could just go ballistic at any moment, which causes me concern. He goes out and buys a chair that is ONLY for him? It sounds like he is playing games with you and still trying to be manipulative. In short, I don't trust this guy one bit. I don't think he is willing to look at things realistically and probably believes this will all pass and you will stay together. Be cautious, yet be strong (as you have been). We're all here pulling for you. Take care.
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Old 07-27-2007, 10:09 AM
 
7,705 posts, read 8,154,956 times
Reputation: 11601
Everything Synopsis and myfask said is dead on. As an objective outsider looking in (with your permission) I can easily say that you've been in this unbalanced relationship so long that you don't recognize healthy boundaries. If you all are splitting up, you shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed and he shouldn't be hugging you and telling you he loves you. Seems like you're putting up with it to keep him from being hateful and people do lots of things to survive, but the quicker you two are apart, the better. Plus, although you're trying to be civil for the kids, your behavior must be very confusing to them at this point.

Be very very careful when it's time for him to actually move out. I predict that things could get ugly then because he clearly doesn't think it's going to happen. Might try to have the kids out of the house on moving day, or anytime you're ready to make it clear that you're splitting up. Make sure you have a plan before hand so that you'll have someone there with you--both to be a witness to events and to keep you calm.

Reading that he wouldn't let you make coffee because he doesn't like the smell made me very sad. I'm afraid that when you start dating again you're not going to recognize a healthy relationship because the one you've been in for so long is so unbalanced. I know that getting therapy can be such a cliche, but you and your kids needs all need to learn what a healthy, functioning relationship that nurtures everyone in it looks like. You sound like a very strong person and I know you can do it, but please get all the help you can for you and your kids.
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Old 07-27-2007, 04:19 PM
MsV
 
2,604 posts, read 794,676 times
Reputation: 847
Robyn, what great posts myfask, synopsis and marlow have written ~ they are all right on the mark!! I think we are all concerned he may try to soften you up enough into staying. Rather than repeat the previous posts, I'll just say we all pray you are beyond that. I am most worried about his rage problems ~ he needs to be moved out asap ~ help find something if you must, but he is the one who should be doing it for himself. I agree with Marlow, who can be at the house the day he leaves? How about your brother & sister, both of them or all your siblings.....he needs to be reminded that your family support system is watching his every move. They can (happily and kindly) help him move that lounge chair into the "flat" ~ I don't think he should be renting a house for himself anyway, and I would prefer that he not rent anywhere near your house (certainly NOT down the street)...if you truly want to move on, then you don't need to live that close. Also, please make it clear when he moves out that he is not allowed to come over or into your home again, unless you invite him...then don't (get his keys at the last minute, so he doesn't copy them)! If you need to talk over things thereafter, meet him at a Dunkin Donuts or somewhere in public, where he has to behave himself. Your kind and generous spirit makes him think he can continue to manipulate you.

And keep that appointment with his counselor ~ you need a witness as you make it perfectly clear again that you have grown out of a need for that relationship...if nothing else, hopefully it will make a co-parenting relationship workable...but I don't sense that your husband is very interested in learning in counseling.
Keep in mind that this man (& MIL) wanted to commit you last Friday eve. You deserve so much better.

Last edited by MsV; 07-27-2007 at 04:27 PM..
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Old 07-28-2007, 05:09 AM
 
Location: NoVa
17,982 posts, read 17,742,814 times
Reputation: 18268
Quote:
Originally Posted by Synopsis View Post
I agree with myfask Robyn. Also, HE should be the one spending time looking for another place. It sounds like he is putting all of the responsibility on your shoulders and HE should be the one doing the searching. I'm not trying to tell you what to do because you understand this man, and to me it sounds as if he's unstable and could just go ballistic at any moment, which causes me concern. He goes out and buys a chair that is ONLY for him? It sounds like he is playing games with you and still trying to be manipulative. In short, I don't trust this guy one bit. I don't think he is willing to look at things realistically and probably believes this will all pass and you will stay together. Be cautious, yet be strong (as you have been). We're all here pulling for you. Take care.
Hi Synopsis, everyone. I know you are right. Here is the thing with him looking for a place. And, I just want you to know that I am not making excuses. It is the last thing I want to be doing on my lunch hour, but if it helps to get him out, I am going to do it. J is on the road all day, being a trucker. he cannot really make these calls, and when he can, the offices are closed. He has to get his shipments to places on time.

Ok, with that said...I do understand him, and in all actuallity, me looking for a place for him sort of...angers him, because he really doesn't want to leave. It has not hit him full throttle yet.He is unstable, though, I have, on this thread been called unstable.
Yep, someone gave him that chair, and its only for him. Thats how he is. I bought him a thousand dollar recliner when I bought our living room set we have now, and it was only his.....whatever. He is manipulative, and can go ballistic. I will never trust him again, and especially after what he and his mother did to me, and I have told him this. On more than one occasion.

Hugs2u
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