Where is the love? (dating, marry, young, kids)

[Pikantari]

Well, I am home fr work now. Hard day. I did leave his card for him on the counter. His truck is here, but he is not...found that he is 2 doors down.

The card was not full of love hugs and kisses, but it IS full of raw pork juice and other things from the trash can. Its ripped up into pieces and laying in there.

OK. He sounded like he was drinking when I caught him on the cell, I dont know, we'll see when he comes home. He was very short with me.

the kids are not here. His mother picked them up today and took them to the park. I was calling him to check on if they made it to VBS or if they were still with her...he seemed bothered by that....

[Pikantari]

Oh I just posted all of my stuff over in religion. This whole ordeal is wearing me thin. tonight I think the straw broke the camels back, I really do....

[Pikantari]

http://www.city-data.com/forum/relig...ng-back-3.html

I have stuff over in religion too... LOL>. I am a posting fool. I cannot help it. Sometimes I am so burdened and I have no one,. I come here.

Yesterday was really bad for me. Our anniversary. When he came home from the neighbors house I asked why the caard i gave hiom was ripped up and in the trash. He said I spilled grease on it. I said then why not just throw it out, why rip it into pieces.

That set him off. I have ruined his life. I have dropped this bombshell. He is doing everything he can to change himself and I am doing nothing. The only thing he can see about me that is changing is that my health is well...so sorry bout that... and that I have lost weight. I am able to come home and not crash due to my migraines, and he says...there is a fire burning in your eyes that I have never seen before, ever.

He is upset that I am not the perfect housewife. I am not betty Crocker like his Mother,. If she wasn't she was in trouble. their house growing up, was terrible. he degrades me and tells me what to do. Do this this is how you do this, you didn't do this right, when you do this, you are supposed to.

So... I am like I give up! The more and more he does all that, the less and less I want to do anything at all. He said all I have wanted out of this relationship is for you to clean the house better and more booty. HA Maybe if he treated me with respect, I may be so inclined to want to make love with him, but that, for me is what i call sex. For us. It is just a thing. It is not our heart and sould colliding. It is not us becoming as one. There is not a spark that sets aflame.

Ok, back to the cleaning. LOL. I refuse to pick up the trash he throws across the room, I wont pick up his soda cans and bottles he leaves scattered around the place. His dirty napkins, his toenail clippings, the newspaper. His dirty socks. The mail he finds to be junk and just throws on the coffee table, opened and thrown about. The video game cases laying on the floor.

I guess if you think of all those things..oh, his dirty dishes...if you think of all those things, my house looks like a frat house. But why. Why should I have to clean up after those things? I don't expect him to clean up after me like that. I am not his child, nor he mine. Then when his mother is known to be coming over, we all have to make a 'mad dash' to make sure everything is perfect, and everyone is all tense and bent out of shape fr his yelling.

I am over it. The way he talked to me last night and the things he said... then I went to go pick up the kids fr VBS and came home and he took a shower, asked me to come into our bdrm so we could talk. he apologized for everything he has ever said to ever hurt me. he loves me now more than ever. I am beautiful. on and on. You cannot flip the switch like that. Not 2 hours before I was a piece of crap. He said it was because he was angry. Everything stressed him out and he treated us the way he did because the house isn't straight. Before this the reason was that I have Epilepsy.

Everything is because of me. I told him I was no longer going to let myself feel bad for making him hurt, for after all of these years he has made me hurt so badly. It is not my fault,, if he is hurting, but his own. I am no longer placing blame on myself.

I told him that in our earlier conversation I was very angry, but I did not say a thing that I had to be sorry for, regret, take back, anything of the sort.

This morning before he left for work, he kissed my temple and said I love you Pretty. He told the kids, from what they told me last night that I was going to my sisters alone this weekend,. I called her yesterday fr work to ask if us 3 could come up this weekend...she would have to let me know, she didn't know what her dh plans were. She tried to call me last night in the heat of our conv. I told her I had to call her back, I could never get in touch with her.

............

[Pikantari]

Yesterday in our arguement he said I am going to take my son fishing! Like I have ever stopped him from doing that.... I am going to do this, I am going to do that.

Good! I don't know what in the world goes on in that mans mind, I swear I don't. I have never stopped him from taking the kids to go fishing..to do anything, other than not allowing him to take them while in a drunken stupor.

This morning my walk was a very slow one. Full of thought. Only 2.5 miles today. I thought of everything that went on yesterday. On our anniversary, at that. 12 years now. I thought of how he was, once again, Dr. Jekyl, and Mr. Hyde.

I can't keep doing that. It tears a persons soul down. My dd asked me this morning what we are doing for our anniversary. I told her it was yesterday, she said it is supposed to be a special day.

I told her I know. But there was nothing else I could say. I just held my head down. I am done hurting for him. I have pain, but i am trying to stop hurting for myself, i know it will take time. I think now, I am hurting for the kids.......

Robyn

[Pikantari]

One day, I think life will be ok. This day, it is not. it truly is not.

[sun queen]

I think it is possible to be just friends with the opposite sex...for a while any way. On the serious side I just think u have to work at friendship and respect the boundaries of that friendship.

[Pixie Dust]

Originally Posted by cinderobyn

One day, I think life will be ok. This day, it is not. it truly is not.

Robyn, sweetie, hang in there, you'll have good days and bad days. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I know your going through a hard time, my prayers are with you.

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by Pixie Dust

Robyn, sweetie, hang in there, you'll have good days and bad days. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I know your going through a hard time, my prayers are with you.

We'll see, Pixie, but right now, I can't stop crying.

[Pikantari]

Last night before I went to bed I saw someone who I haven't seen since December 24, 2000. I saw her in my reflection, as I had my hair pulled back, my full face revealed. I was getting ready to wash my face.

I saw my mother. That above date was the day she died. I saw the hurt and pain. the darkness under the eyes, the despair. The unhappiness. I looked at myself, but I saw my mother. I thought my God.

This is how Mom looked when I was little. All the time. Oh it was so sad. My sister always told me how unhappy my Mom was in her marriage to my Dad, but that was my Dad. I was a daddys girl, he is passed as well. I realized it, a few years after he was gone, but did I accept it?

I don't think I did, until last night when I saw her in myself. It broke my heart to know that this is how she felt all of my life, and she never did anything. She stayed living a life like that. Why? Why would she stay so depressed sad and lonely? For me? Was it for the money? Security reasons?

Even as they grew older she had the same look. They always argued, but for me, it was normalcy. He was 52 and she 38 when I was born,.second marriages for them, each with children fr previous marriages.

I know they were together for a purpose. I know God has a plan for His creation, and I am his creation, through them. But I really don't think he plans for his children to be unhappy like that.

She was in a dark depression, I can see that....I have known that for years now. She never sought medical attn until she became so sick w what she thought was pneumonia but what turned out to be terminal Lung Cancer.

I love my Mother, and I love my Father. But seeing her, the spitting image of her last night like that, it broke my heart for her, and for me. This morning i can't stop crying. How do I go to work. I will burst into tears several times today, I know.

For one thing, memories of my mother have rushed in, and they are ones of great sadness, and I am her. Oh God I truly cant do this. I can't be that person on the other side of the mirror.

Are you wondering dont you ever look in the mirror? Every day. I get ready for work, in the hustle and bustle of the morning, I fix my hair, brush my teeth, all of that, I dont wear makeup at all.

But last night, when I went to wash my face, I pulled back my hair, my face naked from any shadows. I saw myself. I know how I have been feeling, of course. But I saw it, and I saw the very spitting image of my mother as a yonger woman, and she died when she was 65, and that look grew old with her. I can't let it do the same with me. I just can't. My kids see me cry. Its terrible. I can't do it.

Robyn

[Pikantari]

My walk this morning was one filled with tears. I was 25 mins late getting there, with all of the tears shed here, before I got there. I got in only 2.5 miles, just thinking.

I thought of my parents life, of my life, of my children. Of everything. The music played. Happy songs...Nirvana....Mercy Me, Creed, Everything. The song to stop my tears from flowing....

The Alladin theme song...yep..its on there. It made me think of happy things. It made me think of my future, and of happiness in my future. I thought of what my expectations will be, for my children and myself. I thought of the things I want out of life for us, and what I need to do to achieve those things.

I thought of alot of things. I don't want or need for much. the main thing is for the three of us to be happy. I would like to move from this place we live in and start fresh...in a townhouse, or something like it. Where there are other families with kids.

Someplace where the kids can have fun, and where I can meet people in my place. I have been in an area like that before. We have lived there before. The kids and I loved it. the husband did not.

As much as I love my Mother, I cannot follow her lead. My parents spoiled me as a child, its how they showed their love. They did not say I love you Robyn, they did not hug me. They bought me things.

Reverse for my children. They get the I love you, the hugs, the talks. To me, things don't matter. Do they get them? Yes. But not because I am spoiling them within them. Just every once in a while. My son normally wants for books. He has so many, we have no room for them. Every once in a while a new video game, but not often. My daugther usually also likes books, and Brats. If I have the extra money, I will get them these things, but they know that I dont always have that.

My husband buys them nothing except junk food...cakes cookies pie and ice cream. Oh well.

My children know they are loved. I know my children love me. I will not use them for a crutch or my purpose, but the love we share is a wonderful foundation. As much as I post on here, I know you guys think I am crazy or something, but it feels so good just to get it out. It is just something I have to do. Every once in a while someone will answer...and I love it. It makes my heart happy. But to get these feelings out...works wonders for me. Thank you for putting up with me..... thank you so much

Robyn