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With a huff and a puff and the slam of the back door, I am awake again. I fell asleep. The tv is on, and I was drinking my coffee.
He slammed the door as he left. Doesn't look like walking weather to me, and even if it was....I would at least be pulling into the park by now...
I get paid today, I have half of the deposit, so the other half will come from my paycheck or cash advance, or the grace of God.
And still I have to pay the rent for this trash pile. It is freezing in my house here! Drinking my coffee..lukewarm, and I want to get back on the couch,,oh my!
It is time that i would be back from my walk. LOL Thoughts and ideas have been blasting through my mind, even without the walk.
This is not to say that I do not need the walk, I do, oh how i do.
But on this day, this oh, so different day, I do not. My body required much more sleep. More than it has in about 3-4 months. It knows. My mind knows what is ahead, and it prepares.
It rests my mind, in my sleep, knowing that the thoughts, in my waking state, will not stop.
Before now, I was in a different mode, my body and mind knew that. my walks prepared me. I walked with the Lord, he prepared me for what is to come. For today.
He prepared me by allowing me to take in all of His Glory, and I wont stop doing that. My walks, during these months, before my very first post have been decisive walks, they have been decision making walks.
What will i do, what this, what that? Then, How this, how that? Some faltering, of course... I can't do this Lord, there is no way...a gentle push...my child you can, you just don't know it yet, so I walk again, the next day.
You all know my walks, you see the ups and the downs of them. Some of you have gotten aggrevated with them..( ) Make the move girl!
I am not far. He knows it, and I believe He knows it. For he knows all.
I think he feels small, without the power he once held over me. I don't allow him the power. (Jim)
Yes, his words can get to me..... the most recent, the one that i think hurt me more than anything...something that I should have let pass right over my head, but could not....
YOU HAVE CROSSED YOUR LORD. TOU HAVE BROKEN OUR HOME AND YOU HAVE CROSSED OUR LORD. THIS WILL COME BACK ON YOU TENFOLD, AND KARMA IS A B*TCH.
We all are sinners, and the Lord sent his son Jesus Christ to die on the cross, for us, for our sins. We know this. I should have let it fly that night but i couldn't.
I get mad right now, even thinking of it. I have crossed my Lord I said?!?! You have crossed MY Lord, with what you have done to your family all of these years!!!!!!!!!!!! I see he has his Bible out since last night, I did not see him open it though, he does need to turn to the Lord. He told Lindsay he was going to church with us this Sunday. Oh the thought.
That night was the night he almost hit me. I told him that was enough, we had to stop, and I went into the living room and sat on the couch.
I am a man he said. I take care of my responsibilities. A man, i thought in my head. I this, I that. I sat on the couch, the coffee table betweenn us, he with no shirt on. Pointing at me. I could not not say anything.
Too bad you weren't the man you are describibg, and have treated your family with the respect they deserved.
I AM A MAN! DONT YOU EVER SAY I AM NOT A MAN..... MUSCLES BULGING, EYES BURNING WITH FIRE. HE DRAWING CLOSER TO ME, HIS BODY SHAKING, ME INCHING BACKWARD. STILL POINTING TOWARD MY FACE. MY EYES WITH FIRE. I WAS RIGHT. HE CAME VERY CLOSE.
Finally turning to leave the scene and take a shower, then coming out to be his other personality.
Still, today, I am angered by his statement. You have crossed your Lord. I have embraced my lord, with everything I have. I cry to my lord, I hold his hand. I lay on the floor at the altar, releasing all to Him.
I am a sinner. I could not sit here and say I am not. no one could. I cannot walk on water. I have anger towards Jim, I sin. I plan, I sin.. go down the line. But if ever I did what he did to someone. I would fear for what would happen, come judgement day, even though He died for our sins. I would be so scared. But i am not. I think that when that day comes, He will embrace me.
Robyn, Jim is using your faith to try to regain control. Do you really think your God would want you to live a life of terror? Do you think your God would want you to be less that what you are?
Jim is judging you. What does the Bible tell us about that? Whose soul is really being compromised in this situation?
Robyn, Jim is using your faith to try to regain control. Do you really think your God would want you to live a life of terror? Do you think your God would want you to be less that what you are?
Jim is judging you. What does the Bible tell us about that? Whose soul is really being compromised in this situation?
His is, I know that. but it just makes me so mad, and even thinking of it yesterday at work... for someone to say something like that to another person. I was so upset. So upset.
If only he knew how strong my faith in the Lord is, Jim does not really know...The Lord does not want me to live like this.....which is why he opened the clouds, and let the sun shine in....
I'm sure that those words are hurtful. Go ahead and feel the anger. You need that motivation right now. Don't fixate on it though. It will drain you.
Just always remember that you are centered in yourself. You don't need approval or validation from anyone. Disengage from all of Jim's words. They are empty, self serving, and meaningless to you. When he starts, keep a little smile inside your heart, and in your mind wish him a good day. Don't say a thing back. Keep it in your soul. It will take you to a calm place. He *can't* take that away from you unless you choose to give it to him. Every time you engage with him, you give a little chip of it away.
You can't control anything he does, so you can't judge what he does. It is a waste of your energy. Take back that energy and use it for your own survival. When you reach the point of feeling nothing toward him....pity, fear, anger, remorse...you will find peace.
He's trying every trick in the book to flip your switches Robyn, and the more you don't let it get to you the more he gets frustrated. Like rockky said, let those words motivate you but don't let them drain you. You've got a very important job to do!
Earlier you said that he was always doing for others, but wouldn't put his shoes back on to do anything for you guys. I think this type of behavior is perhaps the most common to abusers. They put on this face for the outside world to see, but rant and rave at those closest to them. I've known several and they are all like this, every single one of them.
I'm on the road today, so I may not be posting much, but I'll check in when I can. Have a great day all.
I was in a horrible marriage to an alcoholic, addict, mentally ill man for many years. I stayed because I was afraid of being alone, raising kids alone, with no job and no education. AND because I felt I needed to honor the "sickness and in health" part of my vows.
I tried to help, tried everything I could do to try to make it work. When he was once again in the hospital (rehab, psych) and still wouldn't do what the doctors were telling him he needed to do after 4 years, I decided that God would NOT want me to put myself or my kids through this anymore. It was my job as their mother to protect them, and the home they were being raised in was not (physically or emotionally) a safe place for them. I FELT COMPLETE PEACE about leaving the relationship. I knew that peace was from God.
That was 4 years ago. I still remember that peaceful feeling, like God was saying "You've done all you can for him, now it's time to take care of yourself and your kids."
It was very hard and I don't know how I did it, but I'm glad I did. He still isn't accepting the help that he needs. He is still drinking, using, and has serious mental problems. I am so glad I got my kids out of there when I did or THEY would be having serious emotional problems from living in an enviornment like that. They will always have issues because of what they saw when they were young, and their father isn't (by his own choice) a part of their lives at all. That hurts them, but when they are older hopefully they will understand it was for the best that he wasn't around.
I am now re-married to a wonderful man who loves me and my kids very much. We are a family. He is a wonderful example of what a father and a husband is supposed to be! I am so grateful that my kids and I have him!
Do what is the best for you and your kids. Focus on you and the kids and what you all need to start healing and to start LIVING life! Not just surviving it!
My A is leaving today....off to college. Sooner than anticipated.
I am short my deposit,so I am thinking of borrowing from somewhere. I have to pay Aug rent. I may have just enough to pull from what is left of whats in my checking and what will be left from my paycheck after I pay the rent, there may be enough.
Cross everything! This man will get his deposit.
Just checked, not enough,will borrow...
Last edited by Pikantari; 08-17-2007 at 12:20 PM..
YOU HAVE CROSSED YOUR LORD. TOU HAVE BROKEN OUR HOME AND YOU HAVE CROSSED OUR LORD. THIS WILL COME BACK ON YOU TENFOLD, AND KARMA IS A B*TCH.
____________________
Robyn, this is threatening and brutish behaviour.
My stbx told me last year that no one will miss me when I die (My parents are deceased) My friend was mortified that he could say this to his spouse.
He makes me insane w his you can move out but you aren't taking the kids crap. Again, now doesn't want to go to the dmv.
He tells me that they need to stay here....in a stable environment with him.....
ughughugh
I did not get upset. He just says you hate me that much, you wont even look at me, then denies what he said to Alexander re the teeth, so then he goes to Alexander to ask him if he said it, and Alexander is afraid to answer, and says i dont know what you said.
He says you wont take my kids. I ..shoot... I am over it. I would take them and go tomorrow if i could
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