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In hindsight, not at all. Wish I'd seen this coming before stating my position on the matter.
Well, hopefully you learned a lesson and will think twice before spoiling an important person's joy for no reason other than feeling right and superior. Money comes and goes... memories of ruined holidays stay!
Well, hopefully you learned a lesson and will think twice before spoiling an important person's joy for no reason other than feeling right and superior. Money comes and goes... memories of ruined holidays stay!
It's not at all about "feeling superior." It's ALL about being logical and reasonable. For example:
- if you're slightly struggling to meet all your financial obligations, is it reasonable to spend money on expensive gifts for seven persons? (Afterall, responsibility dictates that we do what we must first, and what we want later.)
- if it's your goal to enjoy a nice vacation next year, would it be logical to spend money on expensive gifts for seven persons? (Instead of buying expensively, why not buy cheaply just this one year so that we can meet our vacation goals for early next year?)
- if I tell you that, I'm willing to compromise by giving you a short list of a few items I need, is it reasonable for you to tell me. . ."let me give you a gift that comes from my heart, and not one that comes from a list." (So you'd rather give something from your heart which I may not need - and possibly not use - instead of giving me something which I definitely need and will definitely use?)
Since when does "using your head" equate to "feeling superior?"
It's not at all about "feeling superior." It's ALL about being logical and reasonable. For example:
- if you're slightly struggling to meet all your financial obligations, is it reasonable to spend money on expensive gifts for seven persons? (Afterall, responsibility dictates that we do what we must first, and what we want later.)
- if it's your goal to enjoy a nice vacation next year, would it be logical to spend money on expensive gifts for seven persons? (Instead of buying expensively, why not buy cheaply just this one year so that we can meet our vacation goals for early next year?)
- if I tell you that, I'm willing to compromise by giving you a short list of a few items I need, is it reasonable for you to tell me. . ."let me give you a gift that comes from my heart, and not one that comes from a list." (So you'd rather give something from your heart which I may not need - and possibly not use - instead of giving me something which I definitely need and will definitely use?)
Since when does "using your head" equate to "feeling superior?"
Well, we can argue about this till the cows come home, but the bottom line is - do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? A few presents are not THAT big of a deal.
I cannot believe this. I just had my first major argument tonight with my GF of more than one year. Why? All on account of stupid X-mas gifts!
When it comes to X-mas gift-giving, I was raised differently. Growing up with my parents, gift-giving on X-mas was not something we practiced religiously. Although they gave me a few gifts when I was a kid, my parents never made it mandatory that I reciprocate in kind.
I raised my kids in equal fashion; that is, I gave them a few gifts as kids, but did not insist they reciprocate in kind. Plus, they were encouraged to stay away from the typical holiday over-consumerism. I taught them that a X-mas gift did not necessarily need to be a store bought item. Since little, my kids knew that their heartfelt words or drawings on paper was more than enough for me.
However, it seems like my GF is completely different in this. She was planning to buy me stuff with money she does not have. Each of her family members (that is, her mother, sister, daughter, son, nephew, and brother-in-law, in other words 6 people plus her) were planning to buy me gifts. This meant I'd be obligated to buy each something in return. I told my GF how this is not necessary and that it would be a waste, especially if they bought me something I will never have use for. In addition, she wanted to send a gift to my mother. I explained to her how my mother does not like to receive gifts, especially if the gifts are clothes or jewelry. And that is the truth!!!
To make a long story short, my GF was very upset with me, and I with her because she cannot understand why I oppose spending money this way.
Anyway, this is the main reasons why I so dislike X-mas! To me it makes absolutely no sense to spend money we do not have on unnecessary gifts we do not need.
For the sake of compromise, I told my GF, "let me know what you want or need within reason and I will gift you that." She was upset at the idea of telling me what she wants or needs. According to her, she'd rather make use of something she does not need or want, as long as it came from. . ."my heart!" Oh please!
Do I have any supporters on this one, or is there something I'm missing?
I totally agree with your point of view. The only thing stupider than giving someone a present because "you're supposed to" is giving someone a present THEY DON'T WANT, because you are supposed to.
Tell your GF that she can participate in her xmas her way, and you will participate in your xmas your way. If she wants to give people useless gifts that is their option, however, nobody should be FORCED to follow someone else's traditions, especially if they do not agree with them.
I can see some real issue brewing here. My advice is to go out of town during the holidays and not return until the insanity is over. That way, you won't be subjected to being pressured into engaging into activities and traditions that you do not support.
Your girlfriend needs to learn that not everybody in the world is the same and that she needs to RESPECT YOUR traditions not just push her way of doing things onto everyone else.
I totally agree with your point of view. The only thing stupider than giving someone a present because "you're supposed to" is giving someone a present THEY DON'T WANT, because you are supposed to.
Tell your GF that she can participate in her xmas her way, and you will participate in your xmas your way. If she wants to give people useless gifts that is their option, however, nobody should be FORCED to follow someone else's traditions, especially if they do not agree with them.
I can see some real issue brewing here. My advice is to go out of town during the holidays and not return until the insanity is over. That way, you won't be subjected to being pressured into engaging into activities and traditions that you do not support.
Your girlfriend needs to learn that not everybody in the world is the same and that she needs to RESPECT YOUR traditions not just push her way of doing things onto everyone else.
20yrsinBranson
I've only one question to ask you - make that two:
1. Are you married?
2. If not. . .where do we escape to until the holiday insanity is over? It's on me! ha! ha!
But seriously, I am willing to compromise so long as it makes sense. Unfortunately, her definition of "sense" is a bit different than mine.
Well, we can argue about this till the cows come home, but the bottom line is - do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? A few presents are not THAT big of a deal.
I want both her and I to be happy. As a result, I understand that by compromising I will at least assure that we start walking down that road.
I decided to give you an example of a huge fight my ex-husband and I had over nothing. Shortly after moving I really needed some charger and he was in charge of the electronics stuff and didn't know where it was. Of course, I thought he should've... While we were still arguing, he snuck out without telling me and came back with a new charger, thinking he saved the day and was expecting appreciation for doing that. However, I was pissed even more about buying again something we already had. The damn thing cost about $20. He makes more than twice money than I do. Were those $20 fighting about in the grand scheme of things? I don't think so. I was actually more ticked off because he's not as responsible as I am. Well, the thing is - most people are not as responsible as I am... That's just the way they are.
Being turned off by the crass commercialism and temptation to overspend on needless over-gifting I understand your dilemma.
However the compromise that you both being from far different Christmas orientations and backgrounds might have been able to carve had you both been sensitive to hearing what each other was really saying is a new tradition that includes "gift" giving of a non-traditional means such as food, wine gifts of labor etc. And because your GF might like and need the symbolism of the shiny wrappings and the emotional charge that comes from seeing a loaded tree, agree together to keep the spending to smaller gifts under $20 (or whatever arbitrary amount you can agree on) to ramp up the creativity while limiting the economic carnage. Or agree to sponsor a family or other worthwhile charity as a meaningful way of celebrating a holiday that celebrates the act of giving. Or a combination of all of the above. Something that could come from the heart of both of you.
Instead you both went at it with bulldog determinedness to win your points. It's sad that something has been lost and might be irretrievable but you both can learn the lesson that is inherent in this incident.
Good luck to you. Sometimes it's these seemingly minor symbolic issues that are laden with meaning that turn out to be the deal breakers.
In hindsight, not at all. Wish I'd seen this coming before stating my position on the matter.
OP-not is all lost. You can fix this. Stop talking about it with her because she knows your position and it's etched in her brain. Now is the time for action and not words. Women love action and if you plan this right, that etching in her brain will be replaced with a wonderful experience. Women also like when they think they have changed someone for the better. I have no idea what her favorite traditions are but people that love christmas have a serious romantic side. I don't know if you have a tree already but you could surprise her and say look, "you know christmas is not my favorite holiday but since we have been together it has been more enjoyable for me. I appreciate your patience on my poor attitude.I want to do something we both can cherish." Then suggest you two go to a tree farm and pick out your christmas tree together. PLAN THIS OUT YOURSELF. Do not suggest it and then let her figure out where to go. Nothing worse than a man suggesting something and then having the woman set it up. Make a day of it. Get breakfast first or lunch afterwards. Keep all negative comments about Christmas to yourself. If needed bite your tongue when you feel the urge. If you got a tree then figure something else out.
I live with two men. My husband and son. They both love football. I hate football. I hate Superbowl sunday. I would make cracks about how I thought the whole thing was silly and i started to realize it was important to them and I was just being a complete b****. So I decided to make it a nice day for them because they are the most important people in my life. I make large subs, make dips and other goodies. I even got special serving dishes shaped like footballs. I make football shaped cakes and what not. When the game starts and they start hollarin to me "wow did you see that? He dropped the ball!" and I say "OH NO!" I deserve an oscar. But me being a complete downer on their favorite day was wrong of me. One day isn't going to kill me. For them its not just the game but the experience of us all being together. When I started to embrace the experience rather than the event, it wasn't so bad. I actually enjoy thinking of some really good things to make and watching the commercials.
Chances are the very thing that is driving you nuts about your gf (like thinking of others before herself) is probably one of the qualities that you found attractive in her in the first place. Buck up and do something amazing.
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Oh please! 
But me being a complete downer on their favorite day was wrong of me. One day isn't going to kill me. For them its not just the game but the experience of us all being together. When I started to embrace the experience rather than the event, it wasn't so bad. I actually enjoy thinking of some really good things to make and watching the commercials. 
