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Old 12-11-2010, 11:52 AM
 
28 posts, read 45,030 times
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so putting me down made him feel about better about HIMSELF.

Interesting.

Control--control--control.

What is it about control, why does someone want it? Does it give a rush? Is it like a drug? Energising, making someone feel good? Would it be something that someone would seek out, look for someone they could control, not because they felt they would 'leave' them but because they simply enjoy control and controlling others in and of itself?

I cannot read most material on this without ascribing at least some of the blame for these relationships to the women involved.

I can't speak for other women but I don't think that is my case. I don't think I am attracted to the bad crowd (haven't been in the past, that's for sure, I'm a very boring and law-abiding type) but a certain type of man seems to be attracted to me. That is generally - I think it is called a Type A personality (but am not sure) which translates into being aggressive and often very successful in business but also narcissistic and controlling - as to why they are attracted to me or focus on me, that I can't understand so I presume they see something (victim, likely to put up with this crap) in ME that drives their pursuit.

Given that I have a sister that was in an abusive marriage (who was finally hospitalised and an intervention got her home) and that I am fairly similar to her in temperament at least I wonder whether I have this same trait. This slight inability to care about my own life which leads a potential abuser to cotton on to the fact that I will probably put up with a lot of crap because I don't have a strong sense of self-esteem and more often will self-blame (so they probably don't even need to tell me it was all my fault, I provoked them or the standard excuses - I am probably WAY ahead of them in that!) :-)

I kinda want to understand more - more about what drives someone to be an abuser and what they "get" out of it. Hmmm anyway, thanks for all the replies, very thought-provoking.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:02 PM
 
28 posts, read 45,030 times
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I don't know a man that says it's okay to beat a woman.

Well, I do! And then you pretty much have the whole Muslim/Koran thing saying that you can beat your wife so that is a fairly significant part of the world population, plus others.... in fact, part of the reason that I am posting on this is because just the other day it was said to me "If you don't (blah), I am going to smack you!"

So I suppose I am in the beginning of an abusive relationship. I think I will get out now. I ought to have known earlier on - there has been NO physical abuse so far, but what there has been is a complete disregard for anything that I want. Everything has to revolve around what he wants, at any given moment, and be done accordingly. I think I have known for a while that he is abusive or has abusive tendencies but then I never quite know REALLY. Am always willing to give the benefit of the doubt, see it from his point of view etc. etc. etc.

I have experience of abuse only in so much as knowing what my sister went through but then again, she lived in entirely different country during her marriage and when it started to get bad she would always find one reason or another as to why we shouldn't/couldn't visit - so it was only when she was hospitalised with a complete mental, physical and spiritual breakdown (unable to speak or move) that we really KNEW the extent of what had been going on....

My father was gentle and kind, I don't really understand I think - abusive people - so I don't quite get it fast enough! Perhaps that is it.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:09 PM
 
1,619 posts, read 2,818,986 times
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Regarding abusive men [not to say there are not abusive women]... it is about power and control, it is convoluted, do many men feel bad afterward, yes they do but nonetheless they continue and/or will continue to do so - there are a myriad of categories of abuse: financial, emotional, sexual, physical and although, especially the emotional abuse, begins in such a quiet and subtle manner, ultimately it wears the woman down, and/or the woman believes it is her fault, and/or she is to blame, etc. Can this change? Generally not, at least not until the man agrees to serious counseling or becomes involved in a batter accountability program or the like.

Feel free to email me privately if you would like ---
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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He liked to argue with and harass a lot of people,

Why?

I don't get it. I don't get it.

My situation is different anyway, I have a boyfriend Type A personality and he is very aggressive at work and very successful and I am not a good girlfriend for him. I think I don't love him but he pursued me and I am weak, so eventually I caved and he got me - what he wanted I think but not exactly.

He doesn't need to belittle, he is academically adequate so he doesn't need to feel inferior about that. He is a strong personality so he is successful in getting to the top and so, in theory, everything is going his way - so why the need to dominate, to control, to abuse ME? I am sick of it. I am sick of picking up the phone (he travels a lot) to get YELL YELL YELL YELL YELL YELL YELL down the phone about some obscure trifle. And I am sick of being pressurised into sex and I am sick of everything! I am also sick of the fact that I find it so hard to break it off.

What is wrong with me? It is not financial, yes I live in his house but I can afford to buy one of my own. I just seem to find it hard to make the break. Do I rely on his abuse - what is wrong with me? I didn't need him before he came into my life, so why on earth should I think I need him now. It is completely illogical.

I was fine, absolutely FINE, before I met him. Better in fact! Why now do I feel that I rely on him completely?
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:17 PM
 
Location: Maryland's 6th District.
8,358 posts, read 25,180,777 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chjones21 View Post
I have a question about abusive men (this isn't meant to be sexist but I don't have a question about abusive women and motivations may well be different).

When abusive men abuse - does that energise them? Do they feel good, re-energised, better for it? A bit like an addict getting a "hit" of whatever drug they need, they then feel better and that they can carry on and go out in the world and do what they need to do....

I don't know if anyone will know but if anyone has been or is an abusive man, I would really appreciate understanding a little more.

Thanks
Research and personal testimony (not mine, stuff I've read) indicates that unless a man has a mental disorder causing him to be emotionally void or calloused, they generally do not enjoy-let alone get off- causing the abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bondurant View Post
I strongly disagree. In the eyes of the abuser, maybe, not in the average man. My mother wasn't abused, my aunts weren't abused, I don't know a man that says it's okay to beat a woman.
I disagree. Do you know how many celebrities, authors, athletes, politicians, artists, etc. are abusive towards woman? A good amount. While men may not believe that it is okay, the society as a whole seems to turn an eye if the abuser has contributed something "great" to society
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:24 PM
 
28 posts, read 45,030 times
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the emotional abuse, begins in such a quiet and subtle manner, that is SO true. And then you forget to take in the positive aspects - it all seems so black and white when you are only referring to the abuse.... kick his a$$ to the kerb! Clearly!

But what about all the positives, what about how much he tells you he loves you? What about the fact that he IS there at the end of the day, or at the end of the phone if travelling, that he DOES call every day if he is away, that he never forgets your birthday or looks or flirts with another woman or that he IS good-looking, can be funny (on rare occasions), or does want apparently only you.... that he can provide (for future potential children) and so on and so forth. Anyway, it is all as nothing. I don't want to be in an abusive relationship any more. That's it. In theory. In practice, I have to find a way to get out --- find a house, move etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. and deal with the fallout.....

Hmmmm. How did I even get here?
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:27 PM
 
4,721 posts, read 5,298,332 times
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There is no excuse to hit a woman or a man for that matter. Blaming it on the victim is an excuse that abusers have used forever. If only she would have shut up, if only she wouldn't have gotten on my back about stuff, if only she had done what I told her to do...there is no excuse to abuse someone. If you can't get along with a person, leave, don't resort to violence. It takes a weak person who can't control his/her anger to use violence to solve a problem.

I do think there are some men that enjoy being in complete control, and they use abuse to maintain that control. If they didn't get something from it, why would they do it over and over again? They could remove themselves from the situation or get help, but I don't feel sorry for an abusive person. To me every person that is hit should leave and press charges. No one, no matter what kind of person they are, deserves to be abused.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:32 PM
 
8,862 posts, read 17,429,751 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Luv View Post
Research and personal testimony (not mine, stuff I've read) indicates that unless a man has a mental disorder causing him to be emotionally void or calloused, they generally do not enjoy-let alone get off- causing the abuse.

I disagree. Do you know how many celebrities, authors, athletes, politicians, artists, etc. are abusive towards woman? A good amount. While men may not believe that it is okay, the society as a whole seems to turn an eye if the abuser has contributed something "great" to society
Thus creating the need for Nancy Grace, etc.

Last night's story---12 year old daughter abducted by mom's murderer--found in San Francisco, alive and hopefully unharmed. Mom or possibly someone else, the daughter maybe, wrote on her FB page a week prior to her death--'May I be remembered for my loving heart and hopelessly romantic ways...'

I suppose Princess Diana is another good example. Hillary Clinton? A wide variety of abuse and abusers.

Not much more to be said.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:38 PM
 
28 posts, read 45,030 times
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they generally do not enjoy-let alone get off- causing the abuse.

But if that is the case, I don't understand what the motivation is for abusing in the first place?

I think they do want to do it. I think they seek out opportunities and the people they think they can abuse but perhaps I am just jaded and wrong....
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:40 PM
 
8,862 posts, read 17,429,751 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgianbelle View Post
There is no excuse to hit a woman or a man for that matter. Blaming it on the victim is an excuse that abusers have used forever. If only she would have shut up, if only she wouldn't have gotten on my back about stuff, if only she had done what I told her to do...there is no excuse to abuse someone. If you can't get along with a person, leave, don't resort to violence. It takes a weak person who can't control his/her anger to use violence to solve a problem.

I do think there are some men that enjoy being in complete control, and they use abuse to maintain that control. If they didn't get something from it, why would they do it over and over again? They could remove themselves from the situation or get help, but I don't feel sorry for an abusive person. To me every person that is hit should leave and press charges. No one, no matter what kind of person they are, deserves to be abused.
I don't know. People that ignore the boundaries of others are disrespectful. It takes some maturity and willingness to compromise.

I think many women enjoy the martyr role and never seem to be satisfied.

The relationship is created by 2 people.
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