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My thinking, I would schedule a private visit with her doctor and come up with a medical and personal plan of action. I would want to know what possible things can be done medically to stabilize her. Then, if she cooperates with medical/psych plans I would stick to it for another year. I would be very, very careful to prevent pregnancy. If she does not cooperate with medical/psych plans I would have the marriage annulled. If she gets "better" be careful not to make babies for a very long time. Some people who get better (or lose weight, get their degree, get their dream job, etc.) wind up dumping their spouses because the spouse no longer fits the role they need once healthy. So, if/when she gets it together, she may find you were a person who was useful when she was not healthy and she very likely could not want you any more.
i do agree that you need to get involved with whatever treatment.
i dont agree that all people with mental disabilities have that kind of control over it, i had some control but only enough to know that i wanted to be ALONE during a down, even now i cannot stand to have people around me when my swings trend downwards and i know that if i dont sequester myself to my room i WILL snap at people. i cant control the short temper...
due to the self violence it makes me thing theres much more going on here beyond borderline/depression ect...
it honestly sounds that theres alot more going on in her head that needs some SERIOUS work.
the op obviously doesnt want to end the relationship, if he did he wouldnt have continued on to marry her after the initial posts which he admitted he ignored.
and people with mental disabilities do deserve a chance to make themselves well if they truly are willing to try at it...
(im not talking people that use it as some excuse, ie "im sorry im always mean to you its my depression" ect)
i see both sides of this...i feel terrible for him because noone should be in that kind of abusive relationship, and it is, mental disability or not...abusive...
but also bad for her as someone WITH a number of mental disabilities as i know how hard it is...
theres obviously something very special about this woman if the op has been willing through all this to continue forward with her...and ill bet when the relationship is GOOD its actually very good...
but please op, as i said before you need to look after your own physical and emotional wellbeing, get involved with her treatments, and set yourself a deadline...like if theres no improvment in say a year.
also encorage her to get active if you guys arnt already, excersize even just a walk in the park releases endorphins that do help a little.
i realy do wish you luck, most men would have run screaming from this woman. but YOU deserve to be happy too!
Yea I would encourage you to make sure she gets adequate treatment. She sounds either bipolar or some sort of hormone disorder. To be honest you have to protect yourself as well. You won't be able to hold your marriage together or help her if you become depressed and decapacitated. I dont know if your pastor is helping you because WHY did he let you guys get married if shes like that????
I think you should have dealt with this more before marriage as there were sure to be red flags.
Also remember if this is genetic in any way there is a chance your children have the same issues.
ANd... PLEASE DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT at this time. If you do the situation will get worse 10 fold. Like what if she abuses the unborn child etc etc or gets more violent/crazy.
She needs proffessional help. MORE Of it. Try psychologists, psychiatrists, marriage counselors, doctors, doctors that specialize in hormone/mood disorders.
I'm not quite sure what you want to hear, since you went into this situation with your eyes wide open. Was quickly getting married so that you could finally consummate the relationship a factor in your ignoring all the red flags?
I would recommend that you get out now, before you waste prescious years of your life. If that's not an option, do NOT have children with her, especially given her mental stability. Lastly, go talk to your pastor. Better yet, find a new one if this one encouraged this union, knowing all her issues.
My mother is mental ill and I can tell you right now, you are in for a hellish life. My mother should never had had kids. I was the only girl and was her whipping post. She was mentally ill early in life and I've never known a mother that was loving or giving. She is self absorbed, selfish and nasty sometimes. She has most people fooled because she says she is a Christian but believe me, she is anything but that. RUN and I mean it. Get out of that marriage. It will never change. Meds might help her for awhile but the stress of marriage and children will make her a hellish person to be around.
I'm not quite sure if you could annul your marriage but you might be able to if you tell the Judge or Court that you did not know the extent of her mental illness. If she is throwing things at you, it will only be a short time before she starts hitting you. And when they start hitting, they are in such a rage that they don't realize how hard or vicious they are hitting you. They also will tell you that they didn't hit you or that they can't remember. Also she might start accusing you of being the "bad one" instead of her. PLEASE please don't have children with her. You think it's bad now. It will only get worse and it's hell for a child to have to live like that.
Also I might add. My mother does have thyroid problems too like most of her family and she is on medication for that also. But really anyone that is seriously mentally ill should never get married or have children. I know some people will disagree with me but I've put up with this disease all my life. Luckily, I did not inherit the disease but I believe one of my brothers did and my son also has some mental illness. Do you want to not only take care of your wife but your children and maybe your grandchildren with this disease? It's not a good life let me tell you.
i dont agree that all people with mental disabilities have that kind of control over it, i had some control but only enough to know that i wanted to be ALONE during a down, even now i cannot stand to have people around me when my swings trend downwards and i know that if i dont sequester myself to my room i WILL snap at people. i cant control the short temper...
But you do have the control that I am talking about (and of course not everyone is going to have it, esp where psychosis is involved). You know that you need to avoid people and sequester yourself in your room to prevent a blow-up. That is a legitimate response to prevent yourself from treating others in a way that you would regret later on. Seems like OP's wife is not doing that though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1
I'm not quite sure if you could annul your marriage
I think most religions allow you one slip-up if it happens within a year. That's because they don't want to screw up their statistics with high divorce rates, LOL.... I really do not believe that religious people have any better marriage arrangements than non-religious. A lot of data fudging.
I also think the priest or minister that counseled both of you before marriage should be held accountable for not being realistic. Coming from having a very strict Catholic upbringing, priest have no right to counsel anyone on marriage since supposingly they have no sex or know about the opposite sex. It's laughable now since most priest are gay and the law should prosecute the priest that the Church hides. Oh, well, that's another topic.
The priest or minister knowing your wife's illness should have counselled you on getting help for her illness and telling you to read up on mental illness so that you know exactly what you're getting into. He should have made sure that she was on medication and balanced before ever agreeing to marry both of you.
I feel for you but again if you read my posts, it will never get better. There will be times that all is fine but unfortunately the illness is never over.
I can't believe you married her without ever having had sex. Thats like buying a used car without a test drive or popping the hood! But it sounds like you knew it was a bad decision from the get go yet you dove in anyway. If you have any sense at all, you'll get out now while the gettings good. But me thinks your religion will keep you in this bad situation until it reaches a the absolute breaking point.
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