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Old 12-15-2010, 03:51 PM
 
829 posts, read 1,627,310 times
Reputation: 323

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I think this is more of a post to vent ...but any encouragement would be great. Before I married, i posted on here for advice, and a lot of it was to run the other way, well as you can see i didnt...My wife has some definate anger/depression/mental problems, and is currently trying to get treatment for it. She gets upset over no big deal at all...she has broken my computer by throwing it, said some horrible things to me...she can really be sweet and loving, but its almost as you dont know which way to catch her. I feel i am very good to her, and i feel unappreciated. I am trying to be strong for the both of us during this time. I am a Christian, and my pastor has been very good to us. She just always seems down in the dumps, depressed, she is ill often...and of course being newlyweds, and being that i waited to have sex when married, i would like to have sex, and a lot of times it is like pulling teeth, and she gives in or something which doesnt make me feel good...and then i get the "all you care about is having sex with me"...of course i would like sex, i mean we are newlyweds and i waited...its just starting to take its toll, and it has only been 3 months since we have been married..all i want is peace, and i want her to be easy going and happy, but i dont know if i see that in the near future. Any advice or thoughts?
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Old 12-15-2010, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Rural Western TN
6,165 posts, read 9,372,996 times
Reputation: 7973
the fact she is seeking medical help is GREAT...

BUT, medical help can take MONTHS to level mood disrders out, and thats after you find the right treatment which can take even llonger and even then mood swings are possible evn on high dose meds, it can also change your personality, everyone has a different result.

in otherwords...

i applaud you for sticking with this woman...BUT your in for a very bumpy and potentially extreemly long ride.

all you can do is be patient, encorage her to continue seeking help (because there will be times when she will simply want to give up when things dont work correctly...) and take deep clensing breaths!

HOWEVER in all of this it sounds like the anger problems are at a danger level, that SERIOUSLY needs to be gotton control of above all the other mental inbalances...do NOT put up with ABUSE...and dont let her use her mental condition as an excuse for emotionally or physically abusing you.

im also a little concrened that you knew she was like this and yet continued your relationship anyway...you either REALY love her, which is an amazing thing or yout a little batty yourself (no offence meant) perhaps since hes willing to get help for her mental conditions, she might also be willing to try couples therapy?

untill shes better balanced you and mr.Palm are going to become very good frineds.
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:01 PM
 
829 posts, read 1,627,310 times
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Thank you foxy...You make a lot of sense...She has never full blown punched me in the face, but have thrown things at me, and hit me in softer ways..she also has been violent on her self...banging head, hitting herself..etc...

All i want is some peace...then i get the guilt trip too...always seems like its something...we have two good days, then the third is something...
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:01 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
22,538 posts, read 27,184,127 times
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Well, if you didn't listen to the advice given you before, why would you now? I guess if you don't
plan on leaving her then you'll just have to learn how to live with her. Just don't have children, please!
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Rural Western TN
6,165 posts, read 9,372,996 times
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sounds like she has an Awefull lot going on in that mind of hers, self inflicted injury is a nasty kettle of fish!

my biggest suggestion right now if your sure you want to continue through this would be when she seems to be settling into one of those "moods" get out of there, take a walk, go out with buddies, go to the bar and watch a game with a drink or something, you need to physically protect yourself as from what your describing a serious injury to you is quite possible in this situation.

does she have any family or friends that seem to be able to calm her down? mabe you could suggest relaxation teqniques also, a hot bubble bath when shes feeling frustrated ect.

right now it sounds like her only chance of some kind of sanity lays with professional help, and it sounds like thats going to be your key to a semi peacefull relationship...
just look after yourself! physical violence of any kind is NOT ok!

and i do agree, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure protection is used for any sexual play, not only because bringing a child into sthis situation would be selfish, but also because this woman does NOT need to be pregnant, being pregnant will screw with hormones and could make her worse!, not to mention the higher potential for post partum in those suffereing from depression.
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:11 PM
 
829 posts, read 1,627,310 times
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Thanks foxy...i like to do the get out of there tactic to avoid the arguments, but then she gets mad that im not listening or paying attention to her...and im just leaving...

but i figure instead of contributing to the argument...why not just go silent or do something else, but that makes her angry as well....lol
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:23 PM
 
2,179 posts, read 1,823,074 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticViking View Post
Thanks foxy...i like to do the get out of there tactic to avoid the arguments, but then she gets mad that im not listening or paying attention to her...and im just leaving...

but i figure instead of contributing to the argument...why not just go silent or do something else, but that makes her angry as well....lol
I hate to see anybody walking on egg shells. It is no way to live. If you really love her, I mean REALLY love her, maybe you can help her and in the process your marriage. But just be sure that you really want this, because it is likely to be a hell of an undertaking.
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Rural Western TN
6,165 posts, read 9,372,996 times
Reputation: 7973
unfortunatly your NOT going to win this untill she starts balancing out (via therapy or meds, whichever route she and her drs decide to go)

do your best to listen to her concerns, alot of depressed people are actually also frightend and very insecure, not defending jus toffering a perspective from experience, i suffer from rapid cycle bipolar disorder which causes frequent highs and VERY lows...), but if things get heated calmly tell her that you need to come back to this problem once youve BOTH had time to calm down (if you say her then shell go off about how you blame her ect) she will still be upset, but once she calms again or levels out she will realize that you were paying attention to her needs by waiting it out...
though its doubtfull she will ever admit you were right by taking the breather.

also i would take the oportunity on a good day to sit her down and express all your concerns for both your and her safety, tell her how much you love her and sak her if theres any way you can help, but also make sure to be very clear that you wont put up with the abuse (what your describing is both physical and emotional abuse) and when things escalate to that point you will be removing yourself from the situation.

and encorage her to find things that she finds calming, have her make you a list, and if shes having a real bad day, try doing one little thing off the list, it takes the attention (and tension) off the situation and helps refocus with something that makes her feel special.
do the same yourself, as she needs to show you those little tokens of apreciation too...

right now your biggest asset to making this work is reminding yourself WHY you fell in love and decided to marry this woman.
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:32 PM
 
2,997 posts, read 2,814,443 times
Reputation: 1716
Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticViking View Post
I think this is more of a post to vent ...but any encouragement would be great. Before I married, i posted on here for advice, and a lot of it was to run the other way, well as you can see i didnt...My wife has some definate anger/depression/mental problems, and is currently trying to get treatment for it. She gets upset over no big deal at all...she has broken my computer by throwing it, said some horrible things to me...she can really be sweet and loving, but its almost as you dont know which way to catch her. I feel i am very good to her, and i feel unappreciated. I am trying to be strong for the both of us during this time. I am a Christian, and my pastor has been very good to us. She just always seems down in the dumps, depressed, she is ill often...and of course being newlyweds, and being that i waited to have sex when married, i would like to have sex, and a lot of times it is like pulling teeth, and she gives in or something which doesnt make me feel good...and then i get the "all you care about is having sex with me"...of course i would like sex, i mean we are newlyweds and i waited...its just starting to take its toll, and it has only been 3 months since we have been married..all i want is peace, and i want her to be easy going and happy, but i dont know if i see that in the near future. Any advice or thoughts?
First, i want to commend you for waiting till your wedding night for sex.......I am VERY proud of you for that and im sure your parents, your spouse, and you are too. Excellent and especially in an out of control sex saturated culture that we live in.

I regret that you didnt see the red flags, or chose to ignore them while yuou were dating. Its something many people do cause they want to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, that it isnt too bad, and that things will work its way thru. Just from what youve said above (without reading the entire thread) I can tell you have a bucket full of prob lems which you b oth are going to have to wade thru and overcome. People in here can play Advisor but what you need at once is either your Pastor to help before you drown and/or a real trained professional who can work with you both at saving your marriage. It will NOT get saved if you just keep on doing the same ol same ol. Theres too many disturbing and taxing issues at hand here. I wish you well and as a fellow CHristian, ill lift you and your spouse up in prayer.
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Old 12-15-2010, 04:39 PM
 
421 posts, read 380,625 times
Reputation: 712
is she slightly overweight or tired all the time? i ask because my wife was like that and finally after several years the docs figured out she had hypothyroidism and once they got her levels under control her mood improved greatly and many of the "tantrums" stopped. she still has them every now and then. when she starts getting that way i tell her to get her levels checked, and sure enough it is time to adjust her thyroid meds.

of course, women will be moody at least 2 weeks a month no matter what. the ones who say they never are, run because they are usually the worst!

*i am in no way medically qualified, jsut throwing out personal experience!
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