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Even when she was working, her family zapped up at least half of the checks and she would have helped out some, but I felt like damn, i can't take the only money she has left after she busted her a-- for the past 2 weeks. She needs to take some money for herself to feel like she's going to work for something. So yes, out of 2 years of living together, she's paid 1 month in rent (no light bills, cable, groceries, vacations, gas, resteraunts, misc). I've even paid her parents mortgage before. From the feedback here I guess the things I do don't count.
Well at least if she doesn't have a job her family can't use her as a source of income. I wonder if that is playing into the underlying reluctance to get a job. The fact that half of her checks just disappear into a vacuum anyways must be extremely unappealing for her. I wonder if subconsciously she is revolting against it. I would.
But yea you should definitely tell her she is lacking. And you are tired, overworked, and violating labor laws.
Sit her down and (kindly) give her a reality check. It's quite possible that she feels the current arrangement is fine with you so she isn't looking to change.
First of all, I doubt if she's depressed. We have fun EVERYDAY. The relationship and chemistry between us is great. She is NOT moping around the house.
However my concern was that she seems to be becoming complacent and comfortable with being a "housewife"(girlfriend) and not looking for work. I'm not rich, but I can carry both of our weight. It's that she knows that I'm not rich and have to squeeze to live well and carry both of us. She sees when I have to work holidays and weekends (basically 7 days a week some weeks). I'm a hustler and I make the life we have. Sure, I could live paycheck to paycheck and buy 500SL, designer clothes, and we could look like rockstars but since I'm not stupid I gotta save while paying the bills. I had a luxury car when I was single but gave it up because I could not afford it while being in this relationship. It wasn't a big deal, since it was getting old to me but any other time I would have traded it in for something newer.
Yes, I pointed out when she had my back when I was out of work and the things she does because she had my back. I had the money to cover it but she was "showing support". She is a good woman no doubt, however I am worried that she is becoming comfortable with the current situation and it's getting hard working 7 days, nights, and weekends and such. It's getting to where she doesn't even look for work anymore. If we got married, then that would be the expectation from there on out, right? And it would be MY fault for creating the situation. And to be honest some days I feel stupid paying for EVERYTHING. Wouldn't you? Not just bills. But EVERYthing. Think about everything you and your signifigant other do together (vacation, weekend, etc, trip to walmart, etc)
Even when she was working, her family zapped up at least half of the checks and she would have helped out some, but I felt like damn, i can't take the only money she has left after she busted her a-- for the past 2 weeks. She needs to take some money for herself to feel like she's going to work for something. So yes, out of 2 years of living together, she's paid 1 month in rent (no light bills, cable, groceries, vacations, gas, resteraunts, misc). I've even paid her parents mortgage before. From the feedback here I guess the things I do don't count.
I will talk to her about this soon. Thank you loveMountains for your support.
I think your concerns are very justified and I would feel the same as you under the circumstances. I have to wonder how much of some of the responses you've gotten is based on gender bias. If you were a woman, posting that your boyfriend had been living off you for 2 years, you paid for everything, he hadn't gotten a job and wasn't really trying... I have to wonder if the advice wouldn't be different. I don't think her paying for 1 month makes much difference when you have paid for everything for 23 months. That's not a very good demonstration of contributing.
It is perfectly fair to expect the person you live with to pull their own weight and yes, the example you establish now when you are dating is likely the same one that she will expect to follow when you are married. If you are not okay with her being Suzy Homemaker and not paying any bills, then you need to say that, now.
I also think you need to work on being more clear from the start. I think you're harboring a lot of resentment over the lack of paying thing... but yet you always get out your wallet and offer. She was paying for nothing... but did you ever discuss how things would be split once she moved in? I can understand she may feel pressured by her parents, but she's taking advantage of you. If she was living on her own, do you really think she would fail to pay the landlord? Fail to pay her electricity bill? Of course not. She's choosing to use you and let you pay those things for her so she can enable her parents.
I think it is the fact that she's not even looking for a job at all. For three months.
She is probably depressed. What exactly is her area of specification? Maybe it's tough for her to find a job. I have peers who have been sitting on the bench for months. We're talking technology graduates and science majors, basically successful corporate rats of yesteryears.
Have you champs ever tried visiting the unemployment forum here to read about the gravity of the situation? The OP should be able to motivate her and fix the situation or just quit and move on. I don't buy the I love her to pieces melodrama.
There's something else about this thread that annoys me more, but it's best to be left unsaid
For me, it's not so much the three months that she's been unemployed (that is happening to a lot of people right now who have worked their butts off), but the 2 years that they've been together when she hasn't been contributing. Well, to be accurate, he paid everything for 23 months, and she paid everything for 1 months. I'll call that "not contributing."
Almost all couples will have to face one partner being unemployed at some point or another. The bigger problem seems to be that she doesn't want to be a partner with him because she's throwing away all her income to her parents. She even had her BF pay for her parents' mortgage.
Now, we can debate forever whether children should support parents, and it's hard to know if this is a one time problem or her parents are always financially irresponsible, but I can't really blame the guy for not wanting to make a future with a woman who is not only unable to support herself, but is a drain on their joint incomes. Most people want a partner who can share in costs and provide, barring any incapacitating events or the joint decision for one to stay home and care for family (a job in its own right.) Those things must be decided together, and it sounds like right now, they aren't discussing it.
In my opinion you're being more than generous because you're not obligated to do anything as you are not her husband and she is not your wife. Whatever obligation she feels she has to her parents is HER issue not yours nor should you be held accountable because again you are not her husband and she is not your wife. I agree with whoever said that it seems she's lost interest in working due to no longer having to be obligated to provide for her parents. However she can't make that decision without you being in agreement with it because that leaves you having to take care of her (which it sounds like you don't want too and you have that right) and her folks are even coming to you looking for hand outs which is not cool. You guys are not married and there's too many expectations being placed on you that you obviously don't want to be apart of. You already showed her that her being the "homemaker" isn't what you want when you did the household duties yourself. I think she doesn't want to work anymore because she doesn't see where it's benefiting her to do so especially when she thinks she has the option to do something else such as be a homemaker. My suggestion OP is for you to take a break from her for awhile until she can get back on her feet and start supporting herself again. It's been 3 months and unless you plan on continuing to support her going forward, you're going to have to cut off the supply because the longer you support her the more you are enabling the very thing you don't want to happen. Help her move back with her parents so she can re-establish her independence because you said you don't want her to be dependent on you and that's the only way she's going to get the message and have to get serious. You have no obligation to her or her family, she's not your wife and you don't have to support her if you don't want too.
Oh and to answer your question, I'd say you're going to get to the point where you say why am I here.
Last edited by Shysister; 12-21-2010 at 07:40 AM..
I think it's a shame that you don't seem to see what she DOES contribute to the relationship, but rather what she doesn't. A loving woman to come home to , a hot meal ready for you, and a clean house..not to mention a woman who sounds like she would give you her last doller if she could..What you have now is something a lot of men can only dream of, but if you think that she is using YOU, then I believe you are being unrealistic, and may never be happy in a serious relationship.Why can't you GLADLY support your partner, and if you can't why don't you let her go so that some other lucky man can love and support her, and appreciate her for what she can do, and not for what she can't..Money seems to be your top priority....too bad!!
I think it's a shame that you don't seem to see what she DOES contribute to the relationship, but rather what she doesn't. A loving woman to come home to , a hot meal ready for you, and a clean house..not to mention a woman who sounds like she would give you her last doller if she could..What you have now is something a lot of men can only dream of, but if you think that she is using YOU, then I believe you are being unrealistic, and may never be happy in a serious relationship.Why can't you GLADLY support your partner, and if you can't why don't you let her go so that some other lucky man can love and support her, and appreciate her for what she can do, and not for what she can't..Money seems to be your top priority....too bad!!
Are you reading from the Good Wife's Guide?!
He doesn't want a Suzy Homemaker. And believe it or not, not every guy wants that, either. He wants and needs the support of two incomes, instead of having to pay for everything on his own and feeling like he's squeezing every last dollar trying to support both of them (and paying her parents mortgage, which isn't his responsibility).
This isn't much different than a situation where one spouse becomes unemployed, and both spouses have to live on one income, while the working spouse feels a strain if the other spouse stops looking for work. He and others have a right to want a companion that will monetarily contribute if he feels as if he can hardly support the two of them (and possibly her parents).
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