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There is nothing worse, in my opinion, than some women looking down and minimizing the choices other women make. We should be happy that women even have a choice.
There is a price for every choice we make, whether it comes at the expense of our housework, the patience and/or quality time we have with our children, our spouses or ourself, our independence and/or careers.
Even being a self-proclaimed Super-Woman comes at a price.
I agree about respecting other's choices and that we pay a price regardless of the decision we make. I do disagree however regarding being "superwoman" - I dont think parents who work outside of the home- or SAHP are somehow more significant than the other - or "super" - its just a matter of choice. Neither should exalt or congratulate themselves for being somehow superior. I always say - no one gets through this life without scars - that is the reality - all of our children will have issues, hiccups, bumps in the road - because none of us get through unscarred - regardless of where our mothers spent their day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
FTR, I don't look down on choices others make. I simply refuse to have them tell me their choice is better than mine. Research supports that whether we work or not makes no difference once you discount the financial impact. It's irrelevent.
I've said before that choices are a good thing. I don't care what choice you make. Just don't tell me yours is better than mine unless you're willing to back that up with research.
Life is full of choices but sometimes, it doesn't matter which one you choose. It doesn't matter whether mom works or not. So I don't get some calling staying home a higher calling. Or the idea that housework and child care are, somehow, work when done by a stay at home mom but not when done by a working mom. It's the same thing.
Everything we do in life comes at a price. Becomming a parent comes at a price. Again, nothing new here. Even people without kids make choices that exclude other choices. We choose one career over another. We choose one vacation over another. One house over another....the list goes on and on and on. EVERYTHING comes at a price. I don't get why this becomes an issue just because you're a parent. Again, we're talking things everyone does. It doesn't become special because you had kids.
I agree - respect the choice - my issue is that somehow at the end of the day SAHM's imply that somehow the choice of a career is child neglect. If I can respect your choice, then respect mine.
The problem is that you are suffering from the erroneous premise that a woman who stays home and raises children, maintaining house and home is NOT WORKING. THAT IS WRONG!
My mother stayed home - WORKING - she did laundry, cleaned house, ironed, sewed, cooked, PTA, political volunteer, etc. SHE WORKED - at home!
THEN she got a job when I went to high school.
Why do you have such a hard time understanding what I stated very clearly? My mother was a working mom and then she got a job (which paid). She still worked!
It is NOT an either or situation. Being a stay at home mom does not mean she didn't work. She worked harder at home than she did with a paying job.
I also was a SAHM until my sons were older. The difference is that I ran a business from home IN ADDITION to working at home raising my sons, maintaining the house, gardening, canning, etc. Then I got a job which felt like a vacation.
You are absolutely correct, and I appreciate the wisdom in this post
To imply that a stay at home mom doesn't "work" is just idiocy.
It certainly seems like it. I could pull dozens of quotes out of your countless posts on this thread, but I don't think you'd listen. Just know that you do seem to look down on homemaking as a trivial occupation by women who "can't handle" working outside the home.
Don't mistake defending working moms with putting down stay at home moms. My stance is, and always has been, that working, by itself, is an inconsequential choice. It makes no difference. The finances of the choice may make a difference but the choice itself does not. The only difference in our kids is found, not surprisingly, in attitudes about women and women's roles.
As to what we can handle, there are plenty of things I can't handle but I don't go around telling those who can that their choice is inferior because I can't handle it.
Staying home is not some special brand of motherhood that yeilds better results. It's just a lifestyle choice. As long as you're not asking your family to do without so you can have what you want, that choice is really irrelevent.
You are absolutely correct, and I appreciate the wisdom in this post
To imply that a stay at home mom doesn't "work" is just idiocy.
Then explain why working moms don't work when they are home . Why is it only work for stay at home moms when we all clean our houses, make our beds, cook our meals, run our errands, etc, etc, etc...
What is idiocy is thinking that what we ALL do to take care of our lives becomes work because you decide to quit your paying job. Whether you work a job or not doesn't change what we do at home. All you do when you do that is give yourself more time to do the tasks that working people do in less time. It doesn't make the task harder or turn it into a job. It just means you have more time to get the chores done.
As I said, if stay at home moms are working when they are home so are working moms and working dads and people without kids because we all cook, clean, run errands, etc, etc, etc...it doesn't become work because it's the only thing you do. It just gets easier because you have more time to do it.
What I do at home are chores to take care of my life (like everone else on this planet). I do not leave work and go to work. I leave work and go home. Sure I cook and I clean and I take care of my kids and do laundry and shop and whetever but that's not work. It's just chores and they don't even take up half the time of my paying job all together. Plus I do them in my time to my standards. No boss to answer to, no deadlines, no inspections, no threat of getting fired if your next performance review isn't up to snuff...what I do at home is not even close to working and it doesn't, magically, become work if I quit my job. All that would happen if I quit my job is I'd have more free time once my chores were done. If you want a life with more free time go for it but don't tell me it becomes work because you chose to quit your job. It just doesn't.
I know what I do at home is not the same a working for a living and all stay at home moms do is what I do minus working for a living. The only difference is a few hours of child care. That hardly transforms what I do at home into working a job. Stay at home moms trade a few more hours of child care for 45 hours off a week. Tell me how that would transform what I already do when home into work?
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 12-30-2010 at 08:28 AM..
Don't mistake defending working moms with putting down stay at home moms.
See, though, there's a lot of black and white mentality in this exact vein being displayed on this thread..."X=equals 'work,' Y does not = 'work,'" choosing one lifestyle yourself automatically means you're tacitly putting down all other lifestyles that others may choose, etc.
And people always seem to want to validate their choice by justifying how it's the obvious superior choice. For some reason, there always has to be something that's "best" for all people. This is not a situation where there is one best choice. There are only choices that fit different people differently. And in a perfect world, every women (or man, for that matter) would get to go with the choice that best suits them in this arena. But the reality is that many people do NOT have those options, and I think that a lot of the preachiness when this topic comes up springs from that.
People need to be confident in what choice is best FOR THEM and for their families, and blow off others who profess to know that something else would be best. If you're confident and happy in your lifestyle and choices, then you don't feel compelled to go around blasting the choices of others, condescending to them, or assigning all kinds of judgment. I would suspect that only people who are overly preoccupied by the niggling doubt that they may not have been making the right choices for themselves feel that they must do that.
I'll also clean the house top to bottom this weekend. Again because I'm, finally, running out of time. If I had to do this every day, I'd go insane.
Ivory, I've been reading this thread when I had a chance, - between cleaning and cooking and looking after the kids. (I am not a SAHM, but I am having a Christmas break, just like you, the teachers).
I can't even find time to write small answers, less elaborate essays. I know you've said you don't like domestic duties, but man.... All this time used up for wrangling on the web, you could have used for cleaning the house. You've just set yourself up to an un-manageable task, with so much to do in the last few days. Which will probably result in deepening of your theory of your "choice", - which is, in all honesty, boils down to simply,- just get off your PC and clean up your own abode!
I'm still not understanding why some people beleive that by staying home, all you do is clean the house and you have no time contraints, schedules or deadlines. The beauty of staying home is you create your own time contraints, schedules and deadlines. They still exist, they are just not imposed by someone else.
The assumption that we all must be so entertained by pushing a mop or scrubbing a toilet is really misguided. I mean don't get me wrong, I love folding warm laundry out of the dryer but it's not the highlight of my day and it is not intellecutally stimulating.
I take about 2 hours a day or less to keep my house immaculate.
I don't clean my house all day...if it takes me all day everyday, I'm doing something wrong. I chose to stay home so I could make my own choices about how to spend my time and not have to answer to anyone but myself.
I get my chores done while the kids are in school AND pursue other interests that I have. It gives my husband the opportunity to pursue his interests as well. When I was working we didn't have a lot of time for that because we were coming home from work, running the kids to games and practices, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms...etc. My husband was a huge help but all those tasks limited our free time.
I volunteer at the animal shelter, volunteer at the school, bake custom sugar cookies (word of mouth customers only), manage a travel sports team and we foster animals that need a lot of time and care. My husband likes to play hockey as well as coach a team. We could not do some of those things while working but those are things we enjoy doing. When the kids are home from school the focus becomes getting them to and from sports and activities, helping with homework and putting the finishing touches on dinner.
Some people choose to stay home not for the mundane tasks of household chores, but for the freedom to do what they want, when they want.
I don't want to do it all even though I CAN and have. Life is not fun when I try to be superwoman.
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Or the idea that housework and child care are, somehow, work when done by a stay at home mom but not when done by a working mom. It's the same thing. 
. Why is it only work for stay at home moms when we all clean our houses, make our beds, cook our meals, run our errands, etc, etc, etc...
