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You are too good for this Loser with a capital L. Trust me, losers come in all sorts of ages and packaging, with all sorts of perks, some of them quite attractive initially. Losers aren't necessarily immediately obvious on first blush nor conforming to the stereotype of loser. They can be quite charming and captivating at first.
Taking your time to observe character before falling for someone is one of the best gifts that you can give yourself in life. Take care of your heart.
Regardless of anyone's motivations or whether he's a beta an alpha or whatever, ultimately if people get along and treat each other well, that's what matters. I don't see any reason why that wouldn't be the case with them and couldn't have been with me and that's why, in addition to the intellecual attraction, I will probably always be hung up on it. And yes, there would have been perks, especially if I wanted to continue on in that field. Loser is a purely subjective term. I know it's difficult to find people who share your interests, especially when your interests aren't commonplace. I would have rather had parents who met in a less than ideal situation who got along well, than parents who came from similar backgrounds, age groups, etc who didn't really have anything else in common. A slightly immature guy who treats you well is preferable to a 'mature' man who doesn't.
Regardless of anyone's motivations or whether he's a beta an alpha or whatever, ultimately if people get along and treat each other well, that's what matters. I don't see any reason why that wouldn't be the case with them and couldn't have been with me and that's why, in addition to the intellecual attraction, I will probably always be hung up on it. And yes, there would have been perks, especially if I wanted to continue on in that field. Loser is a purely subjective term. I know it's difficult to find people who share your interests, especially when your interests aren't commonplace. I would have rather had parents who met in a less than ideal situation who got along well, than parents who came from similar backgrounds, age groups, etc who didn't really have anything else in common. A slightly immature guy who treats you well is preferable to a 'mature' man who doesn't.
Jordan, I agree with you on many points, but I still sense that perhaps you're giving this guy more power in your life than he deserves. Ideally in a relationship, both partners should be equal. These relationships where the girl is 20 years younger than the guy are often deeply flawed, and sometimes that doesn't become apparent until some time has passed.
I also suspect that because you don't have a lot of experience in relationships due to the background you couldn't help, you're selling yourself short. You could be a wonderful partner to someone, but you need to look for someone who is your equal, and who sees you as such. This isn't to say that such a person has to be exactly your age, or come from a similar background, though those things certainly can be areas where couples find common ground.
Yes, a slightly immature man who treats you well IS preferable to a mature man who doesn't... I agree with you on that, BUT I would counter that: 1. You don't have to settle for one or the other, 2. I think you are elevating this professor to a level of awesomeness that he is likely undeserving of while lowering every other man in a 50 mile radius to a level of hopeless loser-hood that they don't deserve either.
You seem like an intelligent woman in your posts and I'm sure that you could find a man to share your life with. It's difficult (especially since you mention you feel like you never got to live your teen years like you should have) to let go of people you once had a strong crush on... but the truth is, if you hang on to that infatuation, you could throw the rest of your life away, instead of moving forward to find a man who might love you very much, who might make this guy seem like a joke in comparison.
Plus, you are forgetting the fact that this man had plenty of opportunity to ask you to date him, correct? Clearly he knows how to do such a thing, as evidenced by the fact that he started a relationship with his 22-year old student. If he felt the same, why would he have not asked you out? Are you really willing to give up years of your life pining over him when he is in a relationship with someone else? Isn't it possible you could discover that same attraction in someone new, discover that there was a man out there who liked the same things you did and who truly saw you for who you are? While I agree you don't have to narrow it down completely by age/background, be sure not to narrow the field only by your subject area. Many people find happy marriages with people who hold differing interests from them... it's entirely possible that you could see a physicist who marries an artist... the two of them can connect with people academically at work and connect with each other emotionally at home. One person doesn't have to fill your every need.
Yes, he could have asked me out. But that's just my point. Because of my behavior, I gave hi the idea that I wouldn't have wanted him to. I understand what you're saying and I appreciate the input but I'm just an extraordinarily stubborn person. My dad once described me as a pit bull (in personality) because once I latch onto an idea that's it.
Yes, he could have asked me out. But that's just my point. Because of my behavior, I gave hi the idea that I wouldn't have wanted him to. I understand what you're saying and I appreciate the input but I'm just an extraordinarily stubborn person. My dad once described me as a pit bull (in personality) because once I latch onto an idea that's it.
When you meet someone that's really into you, they'll want to know you more regardless of your behavior. Initial reaction isn't always the best way to judge a person. It might even be your "quirks" that sets you apart and draws interest.
I think you're making a mistake dwelling on "what could have been", or "what if". Realize there are other chances in life, and usually the next chances are better ones; but you will blow these better chances if you can't get beyond what's already done. Do you really want to miss out on any those?
Yes, he could have asked me out. But that's just my point. Because of my behavior, I gave hi the idea that I wouldn't have wanted him to. I understand what you're saying and I appreciate the input but I'm just an extraordinarily stubborn person. My dad once described me as a pit bull (in personality) because once I latch onto an idea that's it.
That smarts of an excuse. And truthfully, who hasn't been there? Who hasn't said, "Gosh, if I had only done xyz, this guy/girl would have fallen madly in love with me and we would have lived happily..."
If a man is interested in a woman, he will pursue her. Even if she behaves in a way that is uninterested, he will pursue her. I think you're extrapolating too much in this "connection" that you believe was there instead of facing the facts that he knew you (for some period of time, correct?) and did not choose to ask you out. He met this girl and DID choose to ask her out.
You can be stubborn, but realize that it is not a sentence, but a choice. Love is an action. We choose who we love and we choose who to devote ourselves too. If you want to devote yourself to pining over this man who has chosen another woman forever, it is your decision, but I think in the end you will kick yourself.
Don't you now wish that your teen years had been spent differently? That you had enjoyed romantic relationships and dating in your 20's? You look back regretfully on past times, and I have to wonder if one day 6 years from now you will turn 40 and look back at this point in the road and regret what you are doing right now. The present is the only thing you can work with. You are 34, still with plenty of good years ahead of you. Don't make the mistake of being 50 and lonely because you hung onto the false memory of this guy.
There are other guys out there who could make you very happy. Give one of them a chance.
I think in reality my hang up has as much or more to do with the "perks" that would have gone along with a relationship with this man. When I think of what bothers me about someone else being with him, a lot of it is centered on things like his ability to help me get into grad school, get research opportunities, eventually get a job, and a host of other things relating to academics. I think I feel slighted because I believe, as a dedicated student, who's genuinely interested in a particular field, you shouldn't have to be sleeping with a professor you respect (academically) to receive that kind of support, which I know she was offered and no one else was. Yes, the romantic interest matters too, but because of his attitude, and the that he entangled them, I have too. The fact is that he does have a lot of connections thqt could greatly help a student but he's only willing to share them with a student/gf. I know oher professors in the field and they simply don't have these connections.
I'm not saying I'd sleep with him just for those things, but maybe my interest isn't as much about him as his persona and what he represents.
I think in reality my hang up has as much or more to do with the "perks" that would have gone along with a relationship with this man. When I think of what bothers me about someone else being with him, a lot of it is centered on things like his ability to help me get into grad school, get research opportunities, eventually get a job, and a host of other things relating to academics. I think I feel slighted because I believe, as a dedicated student, who's genuinely interested in a particular field, you shouldn't have to be sleeping with a professor you respect (academically) to receive that kind of support, which I know she was offered and no one else was. Yes, the romantic interest matters too, but because of his attitude, and the that he entangled them, I have too. The fact is that he does have a lot of connections thqt could greatly help a student but he's only willing to share them with a student/gf. I know oher professors in the field and they simply don't have these connections.
I'm not saying I'd sleep with him just for those things, but maybe my interest isn't as much about him as his persona and what he represents.
ASK him to help you get into grad school, research opportunities, job references, and connections. You don't actually know if he's sleeping with the 22 yr student, might only be a flirtatious relationship and nothing more.
It's his job to assist you. Don't back away due to your feelings.
I think in reality my hang up has as much or more to do with the "perks" that would have gone along with a relationship with this man. When I think of what bothers me about someone else being with him, a lot of it is centered on things like his ability to help me get into grad school, get research opportunities, eventually get a job, and a host of other things relating to academics. I think I feel slighted because I believe, as a dedicated student, who's genuinely interested in a particular field, you shouldn't have to be sleeping with a professor you respect (academically) to receive that kind of support, which I know she was offered and no one else was. Yes, the romantic interest matters too, but because of his attitude, and the that he entangled them, I have too. The fact is that he does have a lot of connections thqt could greatly help a student but he's only willing to share them with a student/gf. I know oher professors in the field and they simply don't have these connections.
I'm not saying I'd sleep with him just for those things, but maybe my interest isn't as much about him as his persona and what he represents.
Well, if he's willing to give those "perks" only to a student he is sleeping with and no other (no matter how deserving), doesn't that make him even more of a slimeball in your mind? As the previous person suggested, be bold and ASK for these things, a recommendation, help getting into grad school. Don't sleep with him just to get those things, or pretend that for some reason, his sleeping with YOU would be based on something real, while he does it with her just for an easy lay, and her for opportunities. I already think he's kind of slimy to begin with for sleeping with his student in the first place.
I think in reality my hang up has as much or more to do with the "perks" that would have gone along with a relationship with this man. When I think of what bothers me about someone else being with him, a lot of it is centered on things like his ability to help me get into grad school, get research opportunities, eventually get a job, and a host of other things relating to academics. I think I feel slighted because I believe, as a dedicated student, who's genuinely interested in a particular field, you shouldn't have to be sleeping with a professor you respect (academically) to receive that kind of support, which I know she was offered and no one else was. Yes, the romantic interest matters too, but because of his attitude, and the that he entangled them, I have too. The fact is that he does have a lot of connections thqt could greatly help a student but he's only willing to share them with a student/gf. I know oher professors in the field and they simply don't have these connections.
I'm not saying I'd sleep with him just for those things, but maybe my interest isn't as much about him as his persona and what he represents.
Stop right there. You chance at grad school, employment, etc. is not limited to one guy. I have yet to find a college that only consists of one professor. There are other professors, staff and resources for that: Ask your advisor(s), check to see if you have a Career Development Center, Writing Center, or ask any other professor(s) you have for recommendations. And no grad school, nor employer would want any recommedation from someone with that kind of reputation. It likely could ruin your own credibility, as they might think you slept with him to get recommendations/support you didn't really deserve!
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