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We've heard the sayings, "sow your wild oats", "play the field", "shop around", etc., before "settling down". Is this good or bad advice?
Not that I want to establish some kind of rule or cliche by which we should live our lives. I'm just curious to know if anyone has any opinion on this based on your own experience of life or the lives of people you know.
I think it's imperative for me, and most others too.
I was engaged and 100% devoted and monogamous from about 16 to 21 - overall probably a dumb idea at that age, but it was right for me at the time. My ex-fiance was hot - at least until the last couple years when she spent all my money on eating out constantly... but prior to that, she was very elegant and had exotic features with a pair of natural 36E's to boot. She was smart and had the whole world going for her. I didn't question at any point whether I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, until I found out that she was more or less a closeted lesbian ("well, you're the only guy I'd be interested in being with...") and that her social circle was increasingly made up of, well, lesbians. Not a hard formula to follow.
After that, I started automatically wondering what it would be like with this girl I knew, and what it'd be like with that other girl I knew. Since everyone in my social circle knew of me as a committed monogamist, many of our female friends were very open with me and even harbored little crushes on me centric around how devoted I was. I felt godawful for secretly wondering what it'd be like.
Then, we broke up. The devoted monogamist was alone and hurt. All their little crushes came out and one of the things that got me was how bad the sex really had been; I just had no idea. I'd been with other girls before, but we were teenagers, so it was... yeah.
I think everyone should do what they're comfortable with. I've played the field. I've played many fields, many times. I'm very happy that I have done so; I'm a bit hesitant to say proud, but again, I'm happy that I've done so. I've had many beautiful experiences with many beautiful women, and while some people would assume that cheapens the experience. On the contrary: when I'm committed to a woman, I know how much more amazing she is than if I'd "saved" (wasted) myself for marriage.
It varies from person to person. I've only had sex with one person in my life, my spouse, and am very happy about that. He is too. Neither of us played the field and are now in our 40's and don't regret not balling anything that came down the pike. I have never had any interest in screwing strangers, picking up people for one-night stands and all the drama/STD's/idiocy of all that.
However, my viewpoint is a minority one. Most people have many sex partners before they marry and that's the norm and regarded as the "correct way." There's no hard and fast rule. Lots of people are simply not monogamous by nature, so playing the field is the only way they're going to live life. Whatever works for each person is the best way.
It varies from person to person. I've only had sex with one person in my life, my spouse, and am very happy about that. He is too. Neither of us played the field and are now in our 40's and don't regret not balling anything that came down the pike. I have never had any interest in screwing strangers, picking up people for one-night stands and all the drama/STD's/idiocy of all that.
However, my viewpoint is a minority one. Most people have many sex partners before they marry and that's the norm and regarded as the "correct way." There's no hard and fast rule. Lots of people are simply not monogamous by nature, so playing the field is the only way they're going to live life. Whatever works for each person is the best way.
I think it really boils down to the individual. What ever works for each person.
I, unfortunately, think that some men view it as a sign of being masculine and try to have sex with every woman they encounter.
IDK, it was never that way for me, there also seems to be a sorta adversarial way some people view sex. Its hard to explain.
I've always tried to have fun with women and be friends.. if sex happened fine, if not, I still just tried to have fun. I think women are beautiful and I am intrigued by them
I was my ex-wifes first, we married and all was well. She later left me because she wondered how it was with other men. Ironic as she married the next lover she had.
My wife and I met 18 years ago, I was her second lover. We broke off our relationship after a couple years but remained friends. We got back together and married in 2001, we celebrate our anniversary next Saturday.
I started off as a wild-child and kept going until I got married at 28. There followed 15 years of monogamy, then after the divorce back to the wild ways.
And yet, it's different this time around - whether because I'm older and therefore (supposedly) wiser; because of my previous wild-child incarnation experience; because I don't give a damn anymore; or because I've just lucked out and seem to encounter more women that like older men. It's slower-paced but still steady. There isn't that frantic feel to it now. As Chow said, if something happens, fine; if not, that's fine too. There's always another toy to play with at the playground.
We've heard the sayings, "sow your wild oats", "play the field", "shop around", etc., before "settling down". Is this good or bad advice?
Not that I want to establish some kind of rule or cliche by which we should live our lives. I'm just curious to know if anyone has any opinion on this based on your own experience of life or the lives of people you know.
Bad advice IMO. I can say without a doubt, that the only girl I ever want to "sleep with", is the girl I am married to in the future, if I am ever blessed to hopefully have that experience.
I don't need, or want, anyone else than a loving wife, to be intimate like that with
Sowing wild oats is a paradox. Believed to help form strong relationships and fidelity later by expending your sex drive now (as well as gain experience to benefit a future relationship), it actually makes it difficult to form lasting and happy relationships. It makes the idea of leaving someone behind too easy when sometimes we should be working harder to improve the relationship instead. Don't get me wrong, sometimes the person we are with is not compatible with us and it is better to leave, but this is why nonmarital sex is not good. Nonmarital sex lets us ignore important personality traits for the prospect of sex. Generally, people who engage in nonmarital sex, have more problems and have lower quality relationships. Just look at the first guy who posted. He had fiance, but left her because of an important incompatibility: lesbianism or at least a discomfort of having a fiance with many lesbian friends. Most certainly he was having sexual relations with her before but ignored these things until he decided to break up the engagement. So save your wild oats and share them with the person you know you want to marry. Also save yourself from the probability of getting an STD.
Last edited by mccoolert; 03-13-2017 at 12:27 AM..
Reason: More elaboration on non marital sex and subsequent problems.
Sowing wild oats is a paradox. Believed to help form strong relationships and fidelity later by expending your sex drive now (as well as gain experience to benefit a future relationship), it actually makes it difficult to form lasting and happy relationships. It makes the idea of leaving someone behind too easy when sometimes we should be working harder to improve the relationship instead. Don't get me wrong, sometimes the person we are with is not compatible with us and it is better to leave, but this is why nonmarital sex is not good. Nonmarital sex lets us ignore important personality traits for the prospect of sex. Generally, people who engage in nonmarital sex, have more problems and have lower quality relationships. Just look at the first guy who posted. He had fiance, but left her because of an important incompatibility: lesbianism or at least a discomfort of having a fiance with many lesbian friends. Most certainly he was having sexual relations with her before but ignored these things until he decided to break up the engagement. So save your wild oats and share them with the person you know you want to marry. Also save yourself from the probability of getting an STD.
lol. Does anyone really wait until marriage these days? A generation doomed to more problems and lower quality relationships I think not.
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I think not.
