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Old 12-27-2010, 08:13 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,121 posts, read 16,704,966 times
Reputation: 11620

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Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixTheCat View Post
That's sad. It would certainly be better to spend the last few years with a roommate who gets free rent in exchange for cooking and some company, if that's all she was after.

No worries for my dad though. That wouldn't happen with him either way.
I thought he was living alone.

There is a huge difference between having visitors and having a live in companion. Between six kids and my aunt, dad always had someone over for dinner or went to someone's house for dinner but he spent 20 hours a day by himself. How many hours a day does your dad spend by himself?
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Old 12-27-2010, 08:23 PM
 
Location: Arizona
555 posts, read 438,469 times
Reputation: 326
Try to get him to give you Power of Attorney. If she needs to buy household goods or food, you can transfer the appropriate amount to an account she has access to.
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Old 12-27-2010, 09:23 PM
 
2,168 posts, read 2,593,480 times
Reputation: 1384
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I thought he was living alone.

There is a huge difference between having visitors and having a live in companion. Between six kids and my aunt, dad always had someone over for dinner or went to someone's house for dinner but he spent 20 hours a day by himself. How many hours a day does your dad spend by himself?

He lives by himself. Maybe you are comparing him too much to your own father. He has an active social life, whether it's doing something with friends, neighbors or relatives. He's never by himself for 20 hours, maybe 3 or 4 hours.

I'm thinking the lady may not be just for companionship, but because he tends to feel sorry for people. He's finally starting to get that by "helping" he is enabling. I'm talking about people in general. There is always somebody who gambled, smoked, shopped or drank away their money.
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Old 12-27-2010, 09:29 PM
 
2,168 posts, read 2,593,480 times
Reputation: 1384
Quote:
Originally Posted by rodomonte View Post
Try to get him to give you Power of Attorney. If she needs to buy household goods or food, you can transfer the appropriate amount to an account she has access to.
She's not doing any of that now. She hasn't moved it. It's just talk for now. The account is a good idea, if that were the situation.

When he is unable to care for himself, I don't want a stranger doing that. I or my brother could step in. No one knows her or has met her. If she happens to stay there for a couple months, then he needed family to take care of his business, I would quickly find another place for her to stay if she didn't have anywhere to go. It would go something like this, "I regret to inform you, that your services are no longer needed here. It was a pleasure working with you. I wish you great success in all your future endeavors."

Last edited by FelixTheCat; 12-27-2010 at 09:50 PM..
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Old 12-28-2010, 12:30 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 3,346,524 times
Reputation: 3351
Felix, I think you need to meet this woman and talk to her to see what her intentions are. If she is disabled and a recovering alcoholic, she just might need a place to get up on her feet financially and thinks that it could be a win/win situation for both of them. She could do chores around the house and help with your father while saving her money. You just don't know her intentions until you talk with her.

Since your father is terminally ill, does he have a will? Also I would suggest to your father putting your name or your brother's name as a Power of Attorney.
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Old 12-28-2010, 01:29 AM
 
47,586 posts, read 35,330,208 times
Reputation: 21573
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Alterior motives aside, would your father be better off living with her or not? If he'd be better of living with someone why do you care if you're not willing to live with him. He's lonely and she wants a free place to stay. This just might work for both of them.
But if she's just taking advantage of him, that doesn't seem like any great deal for the father.

The dad of a guy I know was 80 and became the prey of a 45 year old woman who wasn't here legally. She didn't just go for a green card but tried to get the house but luckily that was already in a son's name. He had always been careful about his money and had one credit card he proudly paid up every month until she came along and ran it up past the limit and he had no way to pay it.

They thought on one hand it was nice he had the companionship and she made him feel like an 18 year old but on the other hand it was sad watching someone take advantage of him.
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Old 12-28-2010, 02:22 AM
 
1 posts, read 426 times
Reputation: 10
Maybe you are more concerned about what she might be getting that you want. Your father is going to be gone soon from this life. If he wants to spend the remainder in HER company because it makes him feel good and happy - then you must let him have this choice. As other said before - be kind; you have not met her and you are judging her unkindly. Please look inside yourself and be honest about what you are REALLY afraid of. I wish you the best - and lots of consciousness!!!
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:12 AM
 
2,168 posts, read 2,593,480 times
Reputation: 1384
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renate von Richter View Post
Maybe you are more concerned about what she might be getting that you want. Your father is going to be gone soon from this life. If he wants to spend the remainder in HER company because it makes him feel good and happy - then you must let him have this choice. As other said before - be kind; you have not met her and you are judging her unkindly. Please look inside yourself and be honest about what you are REALLY afraid of. I wish you the best - and lots of consciousness!!!
Sounds like Pollyanna syndrome. It would be nice if life were a Disney movie.

If you're single and looking, may I intrest you in a mail order bride? You will feel good and happy. Just be honest and look inside yourself for the kind beautiful consciousness!!!

Last edited by FelixTheCat; 12-28-2010 at 03:28 AM..
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:24 AM
 
2,168 posts, read 2,593,480 times
Reputation: 1384
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1 View Post
Felix, I think you need to meet this woman and talk to her to see what her intentions are. If she is disabled and a recovering alcoholic, she just might need a place to get up on her feet financially and thinks that it could be a win/win situation for both of them. She could do chores around the house and help with your father while saving her money. You just don't know her intentions until you talk with her.

Since your father is terminally ill, does he have a will? Also I would suggest to your father putting your name or your brother's name as a Power of Attorney.

Yeah, he's got a will. He cooks, cleans and shops. He's not that sick now, it's just expected later. He has means to get nursing help through insurance. To be practical, a housekeeper is not going to cut it. He will need a real nurse. I've been through this before, so the suggestions for the win/win situations are nice, but she isn't qualified. I know some older people live for 10 years with the need of light help. But he will go from functional to very sick pretty fast. In those cases a nurse is needed, not a maid.

I have been to his house for several day recently. There were no calls from this lady the entire time I was there and he didn't go out to see her. It seems like she must be on the fringes of his life. There was no attempt by him to integrate her. We did spend time with neighbors and other family.
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Old 12-28-2010, 06:29 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,121 posts, read 16,704,966 times
Reputation: 11620
Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixTheCat View Post
He lives by himself. Maybe you are comparing him too much to your own father. He has an active social life, whether it's doing something with friends, neighbors or relatives. He's never by himself for 20 hours, maybe 3 or 4 hours.

I'm thinking the lady may not be just for companionship, but because he tends to feel sorry for people. He's finally starting to get that by "helping" he is enabling. I'm talking about people in general. There is always somebody who gambled, smoked, shopped or drank away their money.
Really? He has company while he sleeps? Ok, he's not like my dad. My dad always went home to an empty apartment at the end of the day and got up to an empty apartment. If he couldn't sleep, in the middle of the night, he was in an empty apartment. I didn't realize your dad was doing sleep overs on a regular basis. For my dad, the biggest chunk of those 20 hours was at night and in the morning after everyone had gone home and before any activities started in the senior apartment he lived in. If the longest your dad goes without company is 3-4 hours, he's not in the same situation at all so I'll give this advice. ASK HIM why he wants this woman to move in. If she's the one keeping him company at night, why not have her move in?

Obviosuly, your father is lucid enough to make decisions. Let HIM make this decision. He may have reasons you're not aware of. Like it or not, his life is not yours to run. If this woman is the one he goes to sleep next to and wakes up next to, why should she have a separate apartment? Obviously, your dad isn't happy with whatever arrangement has been made. I suspect you have over estimated the amount of company he has. Even if he only ever goes 3-4 hours without talking to someone or doing something, how much time does he actually spend talking to people and doing things? There's a huge difference between alone 3-4 hours and then having a 5 minute conversation and going back to being alone for the next 3-4 hours and only having 3-4 hours per day you're alone and much in between.

Ask your father if he is happy with this arrangement. I'm not really sure why you're asking us. It's his call and it's his money to spend any way he wants NOT yours. You don't have to like the person he chooses as a companion. You just have to accept his choice.
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