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Did you make vows when you married? Did you mean them? Did you say something like, "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse"? I don't think you should take your vows lightly. You may have been immature, you may have been foolish, but it was still you making those promises.
It sounds like your wife might be depressed. You, too. I agree with those who suggest talking to her (and a counselor). Ask her if she is satisfied with your marriage and what she thinks could make it better. Tell her you wish there were more things you could do together. Try to solve the problem together, not by yourself.
Is she your friend? Are you hers? Do you listen to her talk about the things that interest her? Do you talk to her about your activities? You said she loves you. How do you know? How do you know you love her? And if you love her, why are you considering breaking the vows you made to her just so you can run off and do fun stuff?
NOT being a smartbutt, but we were married in a German courthouse, not real clear on the vows as I was hung over, wearing a hawiian shirt, bermuda shorts and shower shoes (first sign that she should have run away).
She is depressed and on anti-depressants. No we haven't spoken to a counselor, this is the first main public venting I've done.
Friends, in a word, NO. She's not like "normal" women that ask what I'm thinking, what I want, etc. As long as I come home and provide for the family she's happy. Like have a roommate that isn't real close, kinda depressing, but hope I answered your question.
Being 18, horny and stupid is no way to get married, but hey I wasn't the first and won't be the last.
Actually I feel better after the last few posts.....sorry to the dude/dudette that rained vileness on me about being a bad father/husband, I just vomited the vileness back on them, that was just a reaction to her/his post, no offense meant.
You can't unring a bell. So be VERY sure you want to ring it.
Also, be aware that this will most likely also affect your relationship with your sons. You are unlikely to be seeing them (or any future grandchildren) on holidays - your wife, the one who did nothing wrong but got left anyway, will be there. Having you there will make things awkward. You'll get to see them for a few hours the next day, long enough for them to pick up their gifts, meet your latest girlfriend, maybe have lunch. Then they'll leave. They won't call often, unless they need something.
But if you're good with spending the next 10 years having a blast, enjoying what's left of your youth, go for it. But you'll be trading it for 20-25 years of being alone, an afterthought. Go visit a 'dive bar' some random Tuesday night. They usually have 2-3 guys in their 60s/70s who have been where you are now. Strike up a conversation. Some of them might even tell you how great it is that they can go anywhere/do anything they want. They'll have some fun tales about what they did for the first 2-3 years after they left their wife with the younger gal/gals they met.
But they're old men. Sitting in a bar. On a Tuesday. Because the quiet got too loud.
I say none of this to be cruel. I know just where you're coming from. But I know where you're going too. If you choose this path, it's forever. Good luck.
I, personally, am on the other side of the coin.
I am the wife who was left behind after almost 30 years.
My husband went through a wicked bout of mid-life crisis, Nothing made him happy. After all the years that we spent together, no matter how much I loved him, he chucked it all. Now, a little more than 10 years later he is regretful. A tad late though.
All I ask of you is to be very sure of what you are about to do. If there is truly no way to renew your relationship, it's only fair to let it go. Please be good to her. It is devastating to lose a loved one after all that time.
Thank you for your post, this is my one of my biggest fears (being unfair to the wife), I've got maybe a good 10 years to do anything resembling fun or have much ability to do it. I work as a nurse in a VA hospital, I see older men all day long that are in ill health. If I were in their position, would I be glad that I spent the last years of my life doing what I wanted to do or would I be happier to have someone that would take care of me in my older age. To be honest, right now when I'm 44 I'm longing to live, but when I'm 64, I'll be glad to have someone to help me make it through life.
I worry. All the time. It is best just to stay put. I'll be old soon enough and longing for a friendly face and the wife is friendly, in many ways, can't beat that, could be worse.
Sorry hun, but she agrees with me, we don't have anything in common, and she is on anti-depressants. Would she be better off without me, most likely, but that's what the original topic of this post was, her without me and me without her.
Whoa, whoa, WHOA there. I was going to ask you if she has always been kind of sedentary, with just watching TV and not really doing anything all day. I'm glad I read through the thread first.
How long has she been on anti-depressants? Longer or shorter than sitting around watching TV all day?
And is she in counseling?
Do you know why she's depressed?
Could it possibly be that she, too, is unhappy in your marriage? Or that she doesn't know what to do with herself now that the kids are gone and isn't physically up to doing all that you can?
Or maybe, just maybe, she knows she has been living a 24-year lie with a man who doesn't love her and she senses what's coming: That after she stuck through it with you, and moved all around the globe on behalf of your career, and raised your children by herself whenever you were TAD or deployed, and gave up her own dreams to be a wife to you, now you are going to leave her.
Also, you've posted from the bottle here not once but twice in three days' time.
And you've said that you're nearing the end of your usable lifespan at 44. Really? I'm 44, too. Last I checked I wasn't quite ready to be put out to pasture.
Maybe you should think about getting yourself some help. I have a sneaking suspicion others are right when they say there is more going on here than a stale marriage.
I'm trying to decide whether to split with the wife after 24 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
While I am a big proponent of vows, I also think that people need to enjoy their life.
If you did not take your vows seriously (until death do us part), then by all means dump the old gal so you can have your fun. After all, who wants to be on their death bed regretting all the things they "could" have done.
One point to consider however. You aren't going to be 44 forever. Hopefully some day you will be 75 and not nearly so concerned with hiking and biking and travel. One day you will want to sit on your porch and have someone you love bring you an iced tea. It is mighty hard to find a woman who will do that. Someone who isn't going to try to steal your money.
Since your wife does not particularly care if you are "there" or not. Why don't you just make friends with a guy in a similar situation to do things with? Even a guy who enjoys traveling. Sure, everybody will assume you are gay, but who cares what other people think.
There are men out there who would give everything they own to have a wife who does not NAG AND ***** at them to do everything HER WAY and spend all his hard-earned money.
Think about it.
20yrsinBranson
Tony,
Read this post again. Then set down and think about it while you read it a third time. I don't think you will ever get better advice. 20yrsinBranson has said it so well. Almost exactly what I was thinking, but her words are so elegant. I suspect you may have heard of such things as the 'forty year itch', now you know what it's like. As long as you and your wife get along fairly well, leaving would be a terrible mistake that you probably wouldn't be able to fix, once you realized it was in fact a mistake. When you reach old age, you will realize the value of a loving wife, much more than you do now. There is no reason you can't establish friendships with a couple of other people who want to do the same sports you enjoy, sounds like your wife would only cheer you on. You are lucky to have her, don't screw it up. I was divorced after 20 years, I was single for 14 years before I found the love of my life who I'm now married to. I wouldn't recommend a divorce for anyone if both of you get along and don't argue or fight. You have no guarentee you will find someone to make you any happier than you are now. But, you can always be more unhappy.
Last edited by Nite Ryder; 01-03-2011 at 09:50 PM..
Whoa, whoa, WHOA there. I was going to ask you if she has always been kind of sedentary, with just watching TV and not really doing anything all day. I'm glad I read through the thread first.
How long has she been on anti-depressants? Longer or shorter than sitting around watching TV all day?
And is she in counseling?
Do you know why she's depressed?
Could it possibly be that she, too, is unhappy in your marriage? Or that she doesn't know what to do with herself now that the kids are gone and isn't physically up to doing all that you can?
Or maybe, just maybe, she knows she has been living a 24-year lie with a man who doesn't love her and she senses what's coming: That after she stuck through it with you, and moved all around the globe on behalf of your career, and raised your children by herself whenever you were TAD or deployed, and gave up her own dreams to be a wife to you, now you are going to leave her.
Also, you've posted from the bottle here not once but twice in three days' time.
And you've said that you're nearing the end of your usable lifespan at 44. Really? I'm 44, too. Last I checked I wasn't quite ready to be put out to pasture.
Maybe you should think about getting yourself some help. I have a sneaking suspicion others are right when they say there is more going on here than a stale marriage.
I had to smile, yeah 44 isn't quite out to pasture yet, but man oh man, you need to spend time with some of the drunks, anti-social malcontents that I've spent time on a daily basis in the ER, that's one of the things that has got me thinking, I just don't want to end up 50+ years old and already used up waiting to die.....and I see it everyday.
As to posting after a glass or two of wine, yep, I've worked 12 hour days 11 out of 12 days running and I'm exhausted, started drinking wine to make me sleepy, now it's getting close to being a habit.......not good.
Read this post again. Then set down and think about it while you read it a third time. I don't think you will ever get better advice. 20yrsinBranson has said it so well. Almost exactly what I was thinking, but her words are so elegant. I suspect you may have heard of such things as the 'forty year itch', now you know what it's like. As long as you and your wife get along fairly well, leaving would be a terrible mistake that you probably wouldn't be able to fix, once you realized it was in fact a mistake. When you reach old age, you will realize the value of a loving wife, much more than you do now. There is no reason you can't establish friendships with a couple of other people who want to do the same sports you enjoy, sounds like your wife would only cheer you on. You are lucky to have her, don't screw it up.
Thanks, I know you offer sage advice. I too am worried about screwing things up, one of the main reasons that I haven't done anything rash, and one of the reasons that I may not do anything, petrified of doing the "wrong thing" whatever the heck that is!
Tony, maybe you need to get into another line of work, one not so stressful. Another issue could be that if you work in an ER, you get a lot of excitement and adrenaline at work, so home and your wife might seem boring. You might be an adrenaline junkie!
I understand about the shifts and OT. My SO just went through a spate of 12- and 16-hour days over the holidays and he's had a miserable time trying to sleep. Meanwhile, it's nearly midnight where I am and I've been up since yesterday morning because wheeeeeee, no hormones!
Which brings me to my next point: Your wife is 50. She's probably menopausal. If you're a nurse, you know what that can do to a woman. You're also probably aware that 50 is when a lot of thyroids start going kablooey.
You are wise to think things through and not do anything rash. There's a lot going on here. I can see that from out here. Think about the stuff the good folks here at C-D are suggesting. Smart birds, they are.
I would suggest you show your message to your wife. Communication is key, she may not be aware you are so unhappy. I hope she can change and at least do half of the things you like to do.
How will your divorce affect you financially? She may go for alimony, etc. How will it affect the investments you both have together? Divorce is not an easy out. Your kids may be grown but you still have a lot of things together that can make things difficult. Plus I don't care how old your kids are they will still be affected by your divorce. Just because you son is 18 does not mean he can be on his own. He is starting out in life and it would be easier if his parents were still together while he does his testing out in the world.
You are a lucky man for the fact your wife does not run around on you and is home to keep your house, etc. If sex has been non-existent for a while going to a good sex therapist would be important to do. Getting your wife to just a regular doctor would be great. You are 44 but your wife is 50 and menopause can affect her.
I think you need to consider a lot of things before you jump to court. Once you file it's hard to go back.
Sit down with her when you're both calm (when she's not missing her favourite TV program and you're not tanked).
Tell her the last thing you want to do is hurt her, but you're near the end of your rope in terms of how the two of you are living your lives.
Tell her some of the things you would like to do (calmly and without projecting any blame onto her). Don't talk about stuff you don't like about your life together, just talk about things you want to be able to do.
Ask her to think about ways she might be able to compromise in order that your life-path might start to go in a more positive direction.
Then - and this is the most important bit - ask her how YOU can compromise so that HER life-path might start to go in a more positive direction for her.
Don't ask for or expect answers straightaway. Maybe schedule a dinner date (or a really nice take-out meal if she won't go out) in a few days time, where you can talk about the compromises you're both willing to make.
If she brushes you off, or refuses to talk about, don't push it. Just approach it again in a week or so.
Most of this stuff can usually be dealt with by good communication and willingness to compromise (regardless of how much compromising you feel you've already done).
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I'm trying to decide whether to split with the wife after 24 years
