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Old 01-03-2011, 01:53 PM
 
1,147 posts, read 1,207,517 times
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OP,

Hans63 had things just about right. If you decide to ask this woman out, then do it already and IMO, stop with the hookers before you do. If your biological urges need release, takes matters into your own hands (so to speak) and be done with it. One thing this woman does deserve is her dating partner not seeing hookers on the side while you date.

Next you do need to make sure that your precautions worked, so 6 months have to pass at the minimum between the last hooker visit and your blood test for HIV. This needs to be done before having a sexual relationship with a partner which probably should be protected sex even in the context of that relationship until both of you are fully committed to monogamy and secure in your mutual health status.

Unfortunately people are singling you out because of paying for sex, but realistically the above should apply to anyone that has engaged in high risk sexual activities in their past or the sexual partners of those people, and as Hans has pointed out, many a sexual purist will have had a partner that, unbeknownst to them, has had a high risk encounter or two that they were unprotected from. Sad to say but this is the way of the world. People don't have as much control over their sexual health as they like to think they do (barring complete abstinence) even in the context of committed relationships if statistics are to be considered and believed.

As for being a good romantic partner, you won't know until you try and practice makes perfect. And your "rule" about dating? I'm not sure it's a good idea to make up rules about life. Self imposed rules just lock people into paths that may start out with good intentions but end up being counterproductive in the end. You made the rule and you can end it as simply as that. You didn't commit to monastic life, you made a "rule" out of apprehension about the unknown and fear of failure. You can now go with the flow and kill that old washed up rule any time it no longer works for you.

Your concerns about your lack of experience with relationships is one reason that I advised you earlier to share these concerns in the early stages of your relationship. You will know when the time is right. Don't push sharing it to "get it over with" or delay when the time has come. A good woman will understand and will help you.

When I met my husband (of almost 20 years) he was 32 and hadn't really dated before and never had a long term relationship for a variety of reasons, the primary one being that he was a strong introvert and quite shy. He had limited grasp of the modern dating rituals, pretty much only what he was exposed to in the media. Some of my girlfriends were like, "Oh I'd be so pissed off if he didn't do this or that..." but because I had the information about his inexperience and because I'm pretty much an informal female not inclined to stand on ceremony, I didn't toss out a good man over what amounted to trivialities. I also was in a position to help him prepare for things like a birthday etc. without having to read my mind.

I'm of two minds on the disclosing the hooker thing. I had a past SO that I dated for a very long time that had a varied and extensive sexual history and he confessed this to me ahead of time. I suppose if I were inclined toward thinking that I had more control in my partner's past, I would want to know, but all I really cared about was whether he was healthy and whether he was capable of a committed and faithful relationship when he was my partner. I say this because I find that most people are not likely to confess nearly half of their past much less the more sexually risky parts with a prospective partner. People are inclined to lie or omit important truths about sex especially with a prospective partner.

I understand what the other ladies on here are saying, but IMO the past is in the past and if you are certified healthy and will be sexually responsible in the context of your relationship without exposing your partner to outside influences without their knowledge or consent, it might be best to let it remain in the past. I'm saying this because you don't want your lady to be thinking of you with hookers any time that you are engaged in sexual relations, not even once especially before she is ready for that information. What you owe her is your healthy body and full responsibility toward hers.

If she asks you about your sexual past or if there comes a time in your relationship where it becomes obvious that you need to disclose it, then do so at that time. I realize that I'm in the minority here but having been completely in the position of the woman that you are considering, I could have not known and been fine with it on hindsight. You might ask your partner at the right time if she wants to talk about your mutual past at some point. It might not matter or it might. Perhaps give her the option.

Anyway the point is, just get out there and live your life to the fullest. Best of luck to you.

Last edited by AK-Cathy; 01-03-2011 at 03:04 PM..
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Old 01-03-2011, 01:58 PM
 
52 posts, read 35,274 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
Don't tell her about the hookers! Like others said, you can be sure there are things about her past she will definitely leave out. If you feel you can tell her at some point without jeapordizing everything than go for it, but otherwise there is no reason to go without forever just because pay for play was your only option for awhile.

I am the exact same age as you but unfortunately not wealthy. Or else I would do the pay for play thing much better because there wouldn't be the hard crash back to reality knowing it might be several months until I can do it again.

Shame about never kissing anyone, I like that more than the actual gratification. Wish I could find someone to just make out with for a cost below the going rate for everything.
I wouldn't tell her about the hookers right away. And please don't think I'm bragging about the money, yes I'm fortunate I was born in a privileged family but I've never had any money from my parents since I've left home. It was just for people to understand that I could afford call girls (they are not street walkers so they're not exactly cheap).

Yes, even if I never had a relationship with anyone I'd like to know how kissing is like (like I did with sex), it sounds rather pathetic and 10 year oldish I know.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jeepgirl27 View Post
It seems you have a lot of good qualities you just dont know how to apply them to relationships
Dont give up on them tho
look at all the excellent qualities you have to offer and someone special who can appreciate them.
First I want to know or we all want to know why do you believe a guy like you can be with someone?
Have you ever been around or interacted with couples in love?
Is it lack of confidence or not interested in women?
Somewhere in your life someone told you werent good enough to love or be loved and your still carrying that around with you...LET IT GO
Take your time get to know this girl and see where it goes from there.
Or the other answer is maybe your gay and in denial about being gay???
Thanks, I know I can be a pretty nice guy, ironically my friends used to come to me for relationship advice. If I've been around couples? Yes, since like ever. My friends have all had girlfriends since 15/16, as have the friends I've met at university. They broke up one day and were already dating again a month later. Most of them are married now.

I'm not exactly very insecure (certainly not when it comes to my job), but I've always felt a bit of a left over in the family (younger brother), people always made comparisons between me and my brother and I've always felt a bit inferior to him.

And no, I'm not gay, I'm as straight as they come. The only relationship I've had with men is either family, professional or friendship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
OP, that promise you made to yourself all those years ago? That's a living death. No one stays the same all their life unless they're determined to, and then you don't grow--you die inside a little more every day. Is there really a good reason to keep this promise to yourself, other than fear of pain? Maybe this woman is your soulmate and you've been keeping yourself just for her all of these years. Maybe if you level with her and tell her you have no relationship experience, she'll be willing to work with you.
The thing that scares me is this sensation of emptiness I've had lately. I've got so much, a fantastic house, a good wage, two great German Shephards, every material thing you could wish for, but still I've started feeling empty, like I've never made a difference in anything.

And yes, I'm uncomfortable with physical affection and intimacy. I can't be comfortable with something I never had (not only from women, not from anyone).
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Old 01-03-2011, 02:14 PM
 
9,714 posts, read 12,351,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
OP, that promise you made to yourself all those years ago? That's a living death. No one stays the same all their life unless they're determined to, and then you don't grow--you die inside a little more every day. Is there really a good reason to keep this promise to yourself, other than fear of pain? Maybe this woman is your soulmate and you've been keeping yourself just for her all of these years. Maybe if you level with her and tell her you have no relationship experience, she'll be willing to work with you.
Yep I don't understand that either.

A live lived in fear is a life half lived.

That doesn't mean you start jumping out of airplanes without a parachute and hope it all works out, but as people I think we have to keep moving and keep growing and often you are going to end up in more pain trying to avoid everything.

I think when I look at what I remember fondly in life it wasn't the things I bought, but the experiences I had and the people I knew.
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Old 01-03-2011, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
880 posts, read 1,110,127 times
Reputation: 603
[QUTE]The thing that scares me is this sensation of emptiness I've had lately. I've got so much, a fantastic house, a good wage, two great German Shephards, every material thing you could wish for, but still I've started feeling empty, like I've never made a difference in anything. [/quote]

Been afflicted with the exact same feelings lately, maybe the past year or so above and beyond the frustrations of the last 20 years or so. My hobbies etc are no longer fulfilling like they once were. Drinking way too much again too.
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Old 01-03-2011, 02:20 PM
 
9,714 posts, read 12,351,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamfreak View Post
The thing that scares me is this sensation of emptiness I've had lately. I've got so much, a fantastic house, a good wage, two great German Shephards, every material thing you could wish for, but still I've started feeling empty, like I've never made a difference in anything.

And yes, I'm uncomfortable with physical affection and intimacy. I can't be comfortable with something I never had (not only from women, not from anyone).
None of the happy wealthy people I have ever known derived their satisfaction from what they could buy, rather what they had accomplished in their professional and private lives with their family.

Can't tell you what to do, but I think you'll have to break through the scareddy cat stuff and get out there and start connecting with more people. If you don't then you should have nothing to crow about.
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Old 01-03-2011, 02:25 PM
 
Location: John & Ken-ville
12,818 posts, read 8,983,969 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamfreak View Post
To put it straight, I've never had a girlfriend in my life, I've never had a first kiss as well (call girls usually don't accept this kind of kiss). I've held hands with a girl when I was 21 but that was about it.

I've always been pretty confident in most areas of my life, I went to university, I work as an engineer, I've got my own house, my own car and I'm quite well travelled. I've always loved socialising, I used to hit the club every weekend from when I was 15 on. I surely have no problem talking to strangers. And that includes women, however not with the goal of trying 'to get something with her'.

Relationships have always seemed too troublesome and complicated for me.
I've never asked a woman out, that would be the ultimate embarrassment for me, I'd rather walk through a mine field than do that.

I'm quite good looking, at least I try to stay in shape.

In my early 20s, when all my male friends were getting laid at the speed of light, I made a promise to myself that I would never have anything with women, I would focus on my career and buy the things I've always wanted (my family is quite wealthy but I'm not a lazy bugger, I've paid everything I have).

When I reached 30 and was still a virgin, I decided to lose my virginity. I couldn't obviously lose it with a regular relationships, so I started using call girls every now and then. They do the thing, don't complain and might be cheaper on the long run. There's no drama and no text messages the next day.

Well, the thing is I think there's a woman interested in me. She was a friend of a friend, that's how I met her. She's 34 and divorced but things are fine between them it seems. I've noticed how I get all her attention when we're together with friends, she tries to touch me for any reason. The other day she even started giving me a back rub because 'you look like you need one'.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to break my pledge because I know I'd be an horrible boyfriend. I'm just not used to having someone interested in me, women usually only see me as a potential good friend but that's it. I'm not used to be physically touched in a non-sexual way. I must admit I feel a certain 'thing' in my chest when I'm with her but I don't know if a guy like me can be with someone. I'm the guy who can be a good friend, a good son and a crazy funny uncle, but relationships with women...

I'm just scared of regretting it.
Typical engineer behavior. Over analyzing everything.
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Old 01-03-2011, 02:45 PM
 
52 posts, read 35,274 times
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AK-Cathy: Thanks for your input, I don't think I'm a bad nasty guy just because I've used prostitutes. I certainly don't see women as sex objects, there are good women, bitchy women, etc, just like men. But people always feel the need to put everything in boxes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wanneroo View Post
None of the happy wealthy people I have ever known derived their satisfaction from what they could buy, rather what they had accomplished in their professional and private lives with their family.

Can't tell you what to do, but I think you'll have to break through the scareddy cat stuff and get out there and start connecting with more people. If you don't then you should have nothing to crow about.
Thanks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyGem View Post
Typical engineer behavior. Over analyzing everything.
Perhaps. It's our nature.
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:34 PM
 
Location: Vegas, baby, Vegas!
3,163 posts, read 3,443,970 times
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlJsPa6UwcM
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:44 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
7,650 posts, read 8,864,256 times
Reputation: 9264
Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowMotionApocalypse View Post
[QUTE]The thing that scares me is this sensation of emptiness I've had lately. I've got so much, a fantastic house, a good wage, two great German Shephards, every material thing you could wish for, but still I've started feeling empty, like I've never made a difference in anything.
Been afflicted with the exact same feelings lately, maybe the past year or so above and beyond the frustrations of the last 20 years or so. My hobbies etc are no longer fulfilling like they once were. Drinking way too much again too.[/quote]

You guys are breaking my heart. Life is scary. I'm getting a divorce after 23 years of marriage--half my life. It's been 2 years since he left and I'm ready to start dating again--have done some already. I haven't met anyone I've remotely come close to falling in love with but I desire this feeling. But once I do, I know that it will be terrifying. I could lose the love of my life 6 months after I fall in love with him. He could get Alzheimer's in a few years and forget he ever knew me. Well, the possibilities are endless but I know that one of them will happen unless I go first, but I still want that. Why? Don't ask me, I'm not exactly sane. Maybe it's because life is heaven and hell all rolled into one and you guys are discovering that in trying to avoid hell, you're not getting to heaven either.
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:56 PM
 
52 posts, read 35,274 times
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LOL Engineers are problem solvers. You give us a problem and a list of constraints and here we go. We are wired weird, that's why I think we match up well with non-technical people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by macgeek View Post
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