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As time goes on, it gets easier to talk to people.
True, but it sounds like the OP doesn't have the problem so much of putting himself out there as he does with not getting the results, reciprocity or upfront interest like boodhabunny's husband does. I've seen that phenomena in action myself, the magnetic wheel that gets invitations flowing, people interested, the phone ringing. The rest of us humans have to slog away, initiating contacts if we want to make a new friend that might or might not pan out, usually the later being the case. What I think the OP is hoping for, someone to call him for a change.
For example: I personally can have a very similar conversation with a stranger as my social wheel of a brother (who I am in awe of) but for me it will have been just a nice conversation. Nothing leads from it. It was a contact of the moment, even when meeting in an area of shared interest, even finding that we have friends or shared experience in common. For him such contact will mean invitations to barbecues, dinner, what have you. For me, if I have interest in a new person, I'll have to be the one to initiate further contact.
I wish I had the secret handshake for you but I don't. I agree with the "it's a gift" camp. Either you have star quality or you don't. I have often wondered about that "handbook" as you call it. Out of five siblings, one really has it, another sort of has it, the rest of us, we have to work at it.
For me, it goes in cycles, being extroverted and more introverted. You can work on it, though. The more you build up a good circle of friends, the more confident you become in talking up strangers. When you have a core group of friends that value you for who you are, then you become more willing to show that true self to the world. Start where you are and strengthen the friendships you do have and the extroversion will come naturally.
I disagree...it's not something you can't control.
As a person who is outgoing no matter what the situation, who smiles, laughs, and jokes even with complete strangers, I can tell you how and why I can do it.
1. I really enjoy interacting jovially with other people.
2 (and more importantly). I'm not afraid of the risk. Most people are afraid to look stupid or afraid of rejection or afraid to put themselves out there...THAT's why they're not 'comfortable' doing this. Get over yourself and just try.
Hurricane - After reading your second post it confirms my suspicions that you are in a rut.
Unfortunately, you are pulling in because the friendships you have are weak and unfulfilling. You've got to find new friends that build you up and pull away from the ones that bring you down. It's a chicken and egg problem since you have to be confident to make new friends but you don't feel that way because of the way your current friends are treating you.
Break that cycle and you will find yourself in better company.
I think you'll find that American's in general don't initiate much in the way of socialization. Our heritage is one that speaks to the desire to have a ton of land around you and seek only those you may want in your circle of friends. I moved to a small town three years ago and found it to be a closed social system of folks who went through school together, married and now have children attending local schools with the children of their old friends and family. Once American's left the small towns and moved to the burbs from the fifties on we have become less sociable even though we are surrounded by more people. Join a Meetup group in you area and hope to find those like you that may need more exposure time to others in order to develop a lasting friendship based on mutual likes.
I think you never got used to being social at a young age. You probably were a little bit of a loner, or socially awkward. Alot of this has to do with how you develop during puberty.
I notice this all the time. There seem to be so many people who just have this uncanny natural ability to be talkative, friendly and are able to easily make friends. They're not necessarily too different from me, in terms of interests and whatnot, but they a certainly different in that they're just better at having people like them.
I know people are basically introverted or extroverted, but from what I've read on here that doesn't necessarily have a big impact on how easy it is for you to make friends. It just means that some people need to be around others a lot, while some people need their space a lot.
It's like a lot of people are in on some secret, or got a handbook for how to do life, and others like myself weren't let in on it.
Anyone else wonder the same thing?
All I can say is that I've practiced and learned how to fake it. I am shy and uncomfortable in the spotlight, but I've had to deal with it enough times that I've tried hard to overcome it. I took a speech class in college and practiced taking in front of others. I still dread it but I've had to get up and speak to crowds many times as part of my job. My hands sweat like crazy but I have learned how to stand and look people in the eye and speak clearly without stammering. A warm smile and some light chatter goes a long way to break the ice.
I recognize that it's not so easy as "just do it," though. Some people have problems dating or making friends, and the answer is not as easy as, "Just have more confidence" or "Just go out and meet people." I won't pretend the answer is so simple, and I wish you luck.
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