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Old 01-07-2011, 09:37 PM
 
15 posts, read 37,133 times
Reputation: 20

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Could really use some advice on this. My boyfriend and his mom still see his ex's daughter. She's 4 years old. My boyfriend and his ex were together for 3 years and they were engaged, he was like a father to this little girl. I can appreciate how hard it must have been when they split up but after all of this time (they broke up a year and a half ago) he still talks to the ex and her child quite often. His mom still takes the little girl to movies and things like that.

I'm 20 years old, he's 28. I've NEVER been in a relationship where a child has been involved. My initial reaction was that it's pretty messed up that he's not over her after a year and a half of being 'apart'. It makes me think that he isn't over his ex at all because he's still so connected to her and her daughter. My mom and her boyfriend agreed with me that something weird was going on. But I've been looking online for people in similar situations and most of the responses they're getting say that my reaction is a selfish one to have. So I'm super confused Is my reaction understandable? Am I just being stupid to let this bother me? He never mentioned that he was still so involved with this child, he's said before how much he misses her and things like that but apparently they still talk a lot and his ex and his parents still talk somewhat frequently. I'm just so confused about this.

Anytime that I've been in a relationship and we've broken up, that's been it. Maybe we'll stay friends but my parents never continued contact with them or anything. Has anyone been in this situation before or can you lend any advice? I'm open to the idea that I could just be a bit too immature to deal with this, I don't have kids and he doesn't either (the ex's kid isn't his biologically) so this whole thing is kind of making my head spin. I don't hold anything against the child, I've never even met her. But I really think that he must still feel something for the ex to be so concerned about her and her daughter. But I've never been that close to a child, I only babysat a couple times when I was younger, much less raised a child for 3 years, so maybe I just have a harder time understanding where he's coming from? Help!! I need opinions on this.
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:25 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 87,912,088 times
Reputation: 22814
Well, in a way you're dealing with a divorced man, even though he wasn't officially married. He's obviously bonded with this child. However, children are often used as excuses for continuing unfinished business with the other parent.

I don't know what to tell you... I only know you're way too young to be in such a situation. If I were you, I'd cut my losses short. If you think you can be happy with the status quo, carry on...
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Metro Phoenix
11,054 posts, read 16,750,121 times
Reputation: 12942
Let me shed some light on this.

I was once engaged, and she got pregnant. We bought baby furniture, had a name picked out, I diverted my lifepath (I wasn't even twenty yet!) to become a father and do it right. Then, she miscarried six and a half months into the pregnancy. I have felt a huge void in my life since then, and have an extremely strong paternal instinct.

I've dated single moms before and my policy is that I don't meet the kid till we're serious and committed - ever. That child has already had one man walk out on them and mom, and I do not want to be another guy who walked in and out. The one time there was an exception to this, the woman basically sprung her 21-month old son on me on our second date when I picked her up, after I'd told her my reasoning on the matter. I was uncomfortable at first, but within 10 minutes, the kid was showing me all his toys and wanted me to play with his toy cars with him; I'm sorry, I can't just tell the kid "no," then I'm just a prick. So I play with him for a bit, and we go out for dinner.

We then are serious for six months, and in that time, I take them out, not just her: we go out for ice cream, we take him to see kid movies, I "watch" kid's programming with him on TV while she's getting ready to go out, I take the two of them to the Long Beach Aquarium and San Diego Zoo. Pretty much all my memories with her have her son in there with us. He would cuddle up with me on the couch when he was sad, he would ask me to scare monsters out of his room; I basically filled that "daddy" void in his life.

...then biodad hears that a guero is raising his son and flips out. He comes back and says that he now has a job and is taking anger management classes, and wants to be a dad this time. She dumps me in short form, on Valentine's Day. I'm obliterated, because not only have I lost my woman, I've also lost my kid - again. I'm at Rite Aid buying chips and see that they have a 20-pack of Hotwheels on sale, and think, "Oh! Brandon would love that! ...oh, nevermind." I'm not only back to being single again, I'm back to being single and childless, again.

After she broke up with him for the same reason as before, she tried to get back with me, and I couldn't trust her... but she told me that her son was always asking about me, asking where I went, why I couldn't come to dinner too, saying in front of his bio dad that he missed me. I went over for Christmas and took them on a picnic once more before I left LA and lost contact. I still feel awful about it on the one hand; not that any of it was my fault, more that I worry that he won't ever find out that his mom dumped me and that someday, I'll be just another guy who came, pretended to love him so he could screw his (total babe) mom, and then crawled back under the rock he came from.

It would make sense that you're jealous, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to say that you're nuts or anything, but your boyfriend is doing one of the most stand-up things a guy could possibly do and being a father figure to a child who most likely doesn't have one. I never felt like getting back with my ex, but I felt like that poor boy's situation kept getting harder and harder and he was just stuck in the middle, and if I would have stayed there in LA, I would have continued to try to pop in once in awhile to be a positive role in his life, both for the kid and for me.

If you're not comfortable with the situation, then that's something that you need to come to a decision with for yourself. I would stay, and would be more happy that my girlfriend was that loving and genuine a person for her actions. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be in a relationship where you're not happy. Simple as that.
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:59 PM
 
8,679 posts, read 15,220,871 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 415_s2k View Post
I'm not going to say that you're nuts or anything, but your boyfriend is doing one of the most stand-up things a guy could possibly do and being a father figure to a child who most likely doesn't have one.
This. ^^^

Also, it appears that his mother has a huge heart. That's probably where he gets it.

As Sierra said, you are young. Maybe too young to have to worry about dealing with this. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

But it seems the one you have is a good man raised by a good woman. You could do a lot worse than to have such kind people in your life.
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Old 01-07-2011, 11:15 PM
 
Location: Where ocean meets up with the naked land.
324 posts, read 569,824 times
Reputation: 193
The situation is complex. In all honestly, if you TRULY love him and you strongly feel that he loves you too, then I'd continue with the relationship. If you are in doubt about the relationship, I would end it before it becomes more emotional and hurtful in the end. What if you are in a long-term relationship and the man you are with has a breakdown or you both are in a fight and he goes back to his ex for comfort? I mean, this is hypothetically speaking but you need to be prepared for all of the possibilities. I don't know what to tell you. End the end, it's up to you to make the call.
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:05 AM
 
Location: The State Line
2,620 posts, read 4,016,772 times
Reputation: 3044
First off, you're not being selfish. It would be one thing if he was the biological father, but this isn't the case. Anyone else he's in a relationship with won't want this, either. Rather, he needs to evaluate what's more important to him: his current relationship or previous relationship.

If either he or his Ex really become serious with anyone else, they'll have to eventually put the Exes behind them, because the new family/partner will take priority, and the girl will need to get used to that; whether your boyfriend is a father figure to her or not. Some day, he may have his own son(s)and/or daughter(s), and this girl will have to fade from the picture. The longer it takes, the harder it will be.

I would talk to the boyfriend. Let him know you understand how he feels about this girl, but you're wondering where you would fit into his future, if he remains this attached to her; or how she would fit into his future if he ever wants to remain or becomes more serious with you. Do not make it an ultimatum, just let him know that you think it would be healthier for the kid to gradually get used to him being around less, so she can become more open to anyone else that may come into her and her mother's life (and so she can get used to the idea that there's someone new in his life). If he's unwilling to change, then cut your losses: It would mean he's not ready to move on; or maybe he and his family are still hoping things will "work out" again. Sooner or later, he'd have to give up his "previous attachments" if he loved his new girlfriend more.

415_s2k, I think you point out what the boyfriend may feel, but I disagree about jealousy. I think the OP's feelings are valid because both you and her boyfriend don't really have a place in the relationship when you're no longer with the Ex., regardless of how the kids may feel. (Obviously, this would be different if these kids were biological.) By staying, it makes moving on harder for the kids and anyone who would desire to love the moms and want to be the "father figure" that you shouldn't need to be anymore. He will have to find a new role model; otherwise in a way, you'll hinder either you or your ex from moving forward with new relationships.

Last edited by LexWest; 01-08-2011 at 12:14 AM..
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:19 AM
 
19,045 posts, read 25,111,498 times
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A buddy of mine from the past starting dating a woman with an infant. They were together for a year or two and broke up, but in that time he bonded with the child. He eventually adopted him, with mom's approval of course, and now his son is in HS. He's a great dad and it's a rare situation.
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:37 AM
 
Location: Spain
9 posts, read 18,552 times
Reputation: 15
You are not being selfish, it's not his biological child so there's no need for him to keep any contact with his ex AT ALL, talk to him. It's not normal.
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:57 AM
 
Location: Metro Phoenix
11,054 posts, read 16,750,121 times
Reputation: 12942
Quote:
Originally Posted by LexWest View Post
415_s2k, I think you point out what the boyfriend may feel, but I disagree about jealousy. I think the OP's feelings are valid because both you and her boyfriend don't really have a place in the relationship when you're no longer with the Ex., regardless of how the kids may feel. (Obviously, this would be different if these kids were biological.) By staying, it makes moving on harder for the kids and anyone who would desire to love the moms and want to be the "father figure" that you shouldn't need to be anymore. He will have to find a new role model; otherwise in a way, you'll hinder either you or your ex from moving forward with new relationships.
I didn't really say anything about jealousy, though...
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Old 01-08-2011, 01:45 AM
 
Location: So Cal
51,847 posts, read 52,242,349 times
Reputation: 52309
What a mess.... I feel for all involved.......
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