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I have lost both of my parents to cancer. Took care of both of them, til they died. My Dad passed when i was 21, and my Mom, when I was 26.
I am still coping and dealing with both of these losses, Sunny. Things are better, of course the holidays, death days, birthdays, etc are always big reminders of NOT having them.
Also, there is the ...what i am going through right now, which you know. I am learning to deal with it. I guess for all those years, i coped with it, without even knowing I was coping with it, or even that it was happening.
But now I do, and i am looking foward to having dealt with it, and happiness in my life, and the kids life.
I never talk about this but My youngest Son passed away many years ago when he was just a baby (heart problem) he could have been saved but because of a lazy doctor who didn't want to follow her oath he died, i gave him CPR and felt his life slip away.
There is no way to cope with it, time goes by and you learn to live with it, you put the what if this and what if that out of your mind and move on, it hurt then and it hurts now but there is nothing that can be done to change it.
I wish there was.
Sorry for your loss, roaddog. Mine is similar. We lost our 16 year old son, our only child, in a freak car accident 6 years ago. As you said, roaddog, time goes by and you learn to live with it. My husband and I are also Christians and I believe that the Lord gave us strength and grace to deal with it. Many, many people were praying for us and supporting us and I think that makes a lot of difference. I will also say that about 2 years out from that I found a very Godly, wise counselor who helped me a lot. I am a reader and certain books also helped me quite a bit. One I strongly recommend is entitled When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. All that said, I will still tell you that I think of him and miss him every single day.
My sister had a cat named Mango, and one day I was backing out of the driveway and hit Mango. I was holding him when he died. All life is prescious, and I believe that human life is the most prescious, but having anything die in your arms is a feeling you never want to feel.
When I was in high school, my friend Ryan was on the way to the hospital to see his girlfriend who had fell off a ladder at work. He flipped his car getting off the highway and died at the same hospital his girlfriend was at. It didn't affect me nearly as much as it must have affected her, but it was still a tough time for the entire community.
Losing your step-father on Fl 175 on 9/11 when you were suppose to be on that flight w/your 2 children
There are many who lost someone close to them on 9/11. How do you cope with the fact you were suppose to be on that flight with your 2 daughters. Even though you & your childrens life were spared, it is still hard to find peace when you lost the only grandfather your children ever knew. A day does not go by when you ask why....as I'm sure many have. Unfortunately, working for our government for many years under the first Pres. Bush, in your gut, you know what really happened. Yes, 9/11 has passed, but if you think that "our government" is looking out for "your" well being and best interest, you may want to take the blinders off and talk to some people who have worked deep inside our government......for you will meet many people like myself who had to keep silent for years do to your secret clearance and still today do not feel safe to speak up. I know this will affend many, especially those born and raised here in the Bible belt. Hopefully there are a few Americans left who seek the truth. ONLY believe about 10% of what you hear on our major news stations on TV, don't believe me??? Just investigate for yourself, and for your own sake don't go by what you are told to believe.
I survived a very abusive relationship and childhood. I thought God would hate me if I divorced. This gave a free ride to the spouse to do whatever she wanted. Now I know God loves me no matter what. It has taken a lot of self-help work to get to where I am today. The other realization is that I had a part in the relationship. This floored me at first. However I realized that the only way I could get better was to accept, then do something about my part.
this has got to be one of the most Far-reaching and heartbreaking thread
Thank you...
After reading all your testimonials …there isn’t one worse then the other...God, I wish I could hug you all…my heart goes out to all of you, in the anguish and heartbreaking experiences you’ve endured…
Could the secret of coping be endurance…which is the ability to overcome fear…In which, there is no set rule, in dealing with tragic & terrifying experiences, as each person’s character and ability contributes to the healing. I believe coping with fear is the greatest factor here….perhaps the first thing everyone should remember is…just because you feel this fear, this sensation, doesn’t mean your sick or different from anyone else...also, perhaps adding to the problem, might be negative thinking…so refocusing your thoughts might also be an important tool in coping. Don’t give into any factor what-so-ever that restrains you from living life...
Try new things, which will give the mind and body new insights, do great things for "you"…for instance, travel, get out of the house more, go to dinner, festivals…anything that introduces change into your life…whatever it is that you weren't doing, go do...Try to focus on other people and their happiness, their accomplishments, and when you begin to find yourself looking for happiness and reasons to be happy, rather then negative or unhappy feelings. Negative energy is draining, draining everyone around you…they can feel the uneasiness…Also, try to view the situation as an opportunity to explore new feelings and experiences in your life. Our lives are “What we make of it” meaning, we, believe it or not…decide our destiny…if we feel bad…then our lives will be bad…and if we feel we don’t deserve to be happy, then we won’t cause, we’ll find every reason not to be…
Perhaps we feel guilty to still be alive, when we’ve lost our loved ones…well, whose to say, our loved ones didn’t move on to a much better place…? Our loved ones would not want us to be unhappy if they’ve moved on, so why waste so much precious time feeling guilty that we are still alive and that we should be happy? Your loved ones would want you to be, and not stagnate your lives because it was their destiny to leave. Right?
One very important thing…if you are calm and positive, everyone feels good, but if your projecting negativity, everyone feels sealed off and secluded, unhappy…uneasy. Remember, you are exactly as you think yourself to be…take control of your fear and replace it with love, understanding, which is the best calming balm in understanding your fear…which gives us, an escape from it.
Go for walks, join a club or your historical society...do something extra with your time to help someone else...it will make you feel better and alive.
They say, we humans when we quit one bad habit, we replace it with another…say if you quit smoking, you might start eating? It might be wise to keep that thought in check?
Remember, it is normal to feel uneasy for the safety of your loved ones
Focus on your strengths and abilities…your hobbies…whatever it is that makes you happy...buy a dog...go riding...my aunt was 80 years old, and mind you, she always wanted to sky dive...for her 80th birthday, she jumped out of a plane. Believe it or not!
I also think vitamins play a healthy role in the way we feel…I am not so quick to medicate, for medication keeps us from "facing the music" so to speak, puts us in a world that is not realistic…it's only a temporary fix.
Basically, these are little things I try to keep in mind when things go wrong...and to, remember, what really perplexes us the most, is when we cannot control things in our lives...if we remember, there are some things we will never control, so what, bad things do occassionally happen...and nothing we do differently would have changed that.
[Hope some of these ideas help some of you, if not all...love to you all and I want to say, boy oh boy, you think you've got problems until you realize what others go thru...? Many hugs to all of you and thanks so much for sharing your stories.
Roaddog, kaykay and Torn2pieces -
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious children.
By far the worst thing I/my family has survived
is the death of my son, J.T.
He died on June 14th, 2007 during labor because
no one knew that his umbilical cord had gotten wrapped around his legs
and the contractions cut off his oxygen supply.
He was 6 lbs., 10 oz., and had beautiful auburn hair.
Like you, Roaddog, I felt that more should and could have
been done; I kept thinking "what if . . . ."
But I know that nothing can change what is now.
What helps is allowing myself the time to grieve and be sad.
What helps is talking about my beautiful angel-baby boy.
Sharing his photos with those who want to see him.
Empowering myself through knowledge by learning more about
stillbirth and umbilical cord accidents, so I don't feel so helpless.
And talking to others to whom this has happened, so I don't feel
so alone.
I give thanks every day that I have 3 beautiful, healthy
living children and a loving husband and I try to turn my
grieving "energy" to positive, future things.
I try to love more, to be gentler, let the small things slide
and find joy in every day life.
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Loss of son...
Losing your step-father on Fl 175 on 9/11 when you were suppose to be on that flight w/your 2 children
