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Old 01-13-2011, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
63 posts, read 155,989 times
Reputation: 61
Default Guy I've been seeing is afraid to touch me, I think...

This is my first post in this relationship forum, but I read it pretty frequently. I'm not normally one to ask these types of things to strangers, but everyone seems pretty comfortable doing it here, so I guess I should too.

I am 47, divorced for 8 years, and about 6 weeks ago began seeing a guy, 50. Both of us previously had been in long term relationships. While there is quite a bit I like about this guy, I also feel there are a few things that don't really make us that compatible, for what I want in a future partner. I've shared these concerns with him openly. I know he likes me a lot, and he thinks I am over thinking the situation. I just need to quit worrying about petty things. He thinks he's perfect for me. He basically said as much.
The problem is, I think he's terrified to touch me, sexually. While I don't mind taking things a bit slow, I think after 6 weeks, I might want to find out what 'that' is like with him? Agree?
He spent the night New Years Eve. I basically stripped for him when we got back to my house. Nothing happened. (He claims I took him by surprise). He spent the night the following weekend....again, nothing. Not for lack of trying either time on my part, but I'm certainly not going to make an issue of it and demand it.
I've kind of lost interest in this man, but he still contacts me, almost daily, not wanting to give 'us' up. I told him I wasn't ready for anything 'exclusive' yet, since I'm so unsure about him. Meanwhile this past week, I met another guy, completely different....we have lots in common, and on our second date at the movies he was giving me a back rub and even offered to rub my feet. I'm guessing I won't have the same issue with this guy! He's 41 though....younger than me by a bit. I guess he's ok with it. I'm fine with it.

Am I wrong to halt the relationship with the first guy due to the fact that I think he's afraid to touch me? It seems petty of me on one hand, but on the other hand, there are other things that bother me about him as well, so maybe it's just as well, to move on completely. Enough is enough?

Ggschmerl
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:32 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,935,648 times
Reputation: 10048
What makes you think he is "afraid" to touch you? Maybe he doesn't want to get sexually involved with someone who doesn't see him as long-term material. Or maybe he isn't all that sexually attracted to you, physically speaking, but likes your personality enough to see if something develops. Maybe he is gay and is looking for a companion. Those are three things off the top of my head. Why have you zeroed in on fear as being the reason why he didn't go for it when you took off all your clothes?
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:36 PM
 
4,979 posts, read 2,676,979 times
Reputation: 2506
You are not ready for anything exclusive, yet, you want to have sex, right?

You know how men are told to respect women and admire them if they say no to sex, well, works the same the other way around. Respect his decision to not have sex with you and give him some time. He seems to be just fine in other areas of the relationship so why stress it just because there is no sex for the moment?

The other guy might be hot in bed but, what about the other areas of the relationship?
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:47 PM
 
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
63 posts, read 155,989 times
Reputation: 61
Maybe he isn't sexually attracted to me, I don't know. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time and always wants me to kiss him....but you're right maybe he doesn't find me appealing. I know for a fact his last LTR was with a woman so I don't think he's gay. I do not get that impression at all.

I guess since I'm a 47 year old woman, if I want to have sex on occasion without having to be committed first, I've reached the maturity to be able to do so.

Thanks for the comments though

Ggschmerl
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:50 PM
 
1,177 posts, read 1,121,387 times
Reputation: 1026
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ggschmerl View Post
This is my first post in this relationship forum, but I read it pretty frequently. I'm not normally one to ask these types of things to strangers, but everyone seems pretty comfortable doing it here, so I guess I should too.

I am 47, divorced for 8 years, and about 6 weeks ago began seeing a guy, 50. Both of us previously had been in long term relationships. While there is quite a bit I like about this guy, I also feel there are a few things that don't really make us that compatible, for what I want in a future partner. I've shared these concerns with him openly. I know he likes me a lot, and he thinks I am over thinking the situation. I just need to quit worrying about petty things. He thinks he's perfect for me. He basically said as much.
The problem is, I think he's terrified to touch me, sexually. While I don't mind taking things a bit slow, I think after 6 weeks, I might want to find out what 'that' is like with him? Agree?
He spent the night New Years Eve. I basically stripped for him when we got back to my house. Nothing happened. (He claims I took him by surprise). He spent the night the following weekend....again, nothing. Not for lack of trying either time on my part, but I'm certainly not going to make an issue of it and demand it.
I've kind of lost interest in this man, but he still contacts me, almost daily, not wanting to give 'us' up. I told him I wasn't ready for anything 'exclusive' yet, since I'm so unsure about him. Meanwhile this past week, I met another guy, completely different....we have lots in common, and on our second date at the movies he was giving me a back rub and even offered to rub my feet. I'm guessing I won't have the same issue with this guy! He's 41 though....younger than me by a bit. I guess he's ok with it. I'm fine with it.

Am I wrong to halt the relationship with the first guy due to the fact that I think he's afraid to touch me? It seems petty of me on one hand, but on the other hand, there are other things that bother me about him as well, so maybe it's just as well, to move on completely. Enough is enough?

Ggschmerl
another thing that might stop him is his religious beliefs possibly? or he's nervous cause it's been a while. talk to him about it.
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:51 PM
 
8,681 posts, read 7,277,488 times
Reputation: 14924
At first I thought, "Well, he's 50. He may need some Viagra."

But then I read this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ggschmerl View Post
While there is quite a bit I like about this guy, I also feel there are a few things that don't really make us that compatible, for what I want in a future partner. I've shared these concerns with him openly. I know he likes me a lot, and he thinks I am over thinking the situation. I just need to quit worrying about petty things. He thinks he's perfect for me. He basically said as much.
Really? You shared your concerns with him and he thinks they're petty?

I'd get rid of him just for that. Who the heck is he to determine what is best and who is right for you? Talk about paternalism!

Between that and being a sexual dud, it sounds like he wants to be your daddy, not your man.

The 41-year-old sounds much more interested, and interesting...
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:04 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,935,648 times
Reputation: 10048
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ggschmerl View Post
Maybe he isn't sexually attracted to me, I don't know. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time and always wants me to kiss him....but you're right maybe he doesn't find me appealing. I know for a fact his last LTR was with a woman so I don't think he's gay. I do not get that impression at all.

I guess since I'm a 47 year old woman, if I want to have sex on occasion without having to be committed first, I've reached the maturity to be able to do so.

Thanks for the comments though

Ggschmerl
All of my answers could be wrong, I have no idea. Something I realized last year though is this: anytime I try to make sense out of a guy's behavior, if the answer I settle on happens to stroke my ego, most likely my answer is wrong. He won't have sex with my because he is afraid is an ego stroke.
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:13 PM
 
Location: overlooking the mighty MO
697 posts, read 652,034 times
Reputation: 1113
just go for the horizontal mombo and get it over with
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
63 posts, read 155,989 times
Reputation: 61
So when I tried to touch him on NYE and he say's to me "What are you doing?!!!"
I guess between my ex-husband and the guy I had a LTR relationship with after my divorce, I really am not that experienced with men.

I'm just on here asking for advice on if I am expecting too much too soon. I guess I'd like to know if we are at all compatible sexually. Maybe I have no idea what I'm doing and I look like a complete fool posting this question in the first place

Ggschmerl
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:27 PM
 
1,561 posts, read 1,094,788 times
Reputation: 2088
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ggschmerl View Post
So when I tried to touch him on NYE and he say's to me "What are you doing?!!!"
I guess between my ex-husband and the guy I had a LTR relationship with after my divorce, I really am not that experienced with men.

I'm just on here asking for advice on if I am expecting too much too soon. I guess I'd like to know if we are at all compatible sexually. Maybe I have no idea what I'm doing and I look like a complete fool posting this question in the first place

Ggschmerl
Seems like a reasonable question. However all answers are going to be guesses. I would hazard to guess the guy has a hangup about having sex (it may be for several reasons, such as previous relationship, performance anxiety, moral beliefs and or fear like you mention). The only way to know for sure is to come out an ask him why he is opposed to having sex with you.
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