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Old 01-15-2011, 04:34 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,653,596 times
Reputation: 10385

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Quote:
Originally Posted by theclash View Post
I was excited by the prospect of the physical, he is a very good looking guy, and for a long time held out hope that I could improve things in that area, but probably gave up a year ago.

My attraction to him was not about the physical so much though as the devotion and loyalty. He was the opposite of the cocky, overconfident types I'd spent the past few years with. He was so dependable and sincere.

That said, this thread, and thinking about the responses today, has been INCREDIBLY helpful to me, because I think what I have realized is that what makes me most uncomfortable about our relationship IS in some ways that devotion. The fact that he wants to marry someone who may not want to marry him drives me further away, makes me feel like he is picking me out of desperation for a wife rather than the true belief that our relationship is working out well. I think he might be like the women Onglet is talking about.

Thank you all.
If you have come to a decision you are happy with, I say good for you. But I just want to point out - in case anyone else is reading this thread and applying it to her own situation - that you have totally misunderstood the meaning behind my posts on this thread altogether. That is probably my fault. For the record, he isn't at all like the women I suggested you to read about on this thread... not even close.
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Old 01-15-2011, 04:40 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,653,596 times
Reputation: 10385
Quote:
Originally Posted by theclash View Post
I was excited by the prospect of the physical, he is a very good looking guy, and for a long time held out hope that I could improve things in that area, but probably gave up a year ago.

My attraction to him was not about the physical so much though as the devotion and loyalty. He was the opposite of the cocky, overconfident types I'd spent the past few years with. He was so dependable and sincere.

That said, this thread, and thinking about the responses today, has been INCREDIBLY helpful to me, because I think what I have realized is that what makes me most uncomfortable about our relationship IS in some ways that devotion. The fact that he wants to marry someone who may not want to marry him drives me further away, makes me feel like he is picking me out of desperation for a wife rather than the true belief that our relationship is working out well. I think he might be like the women Onglet is talking about.

Thank you all.
I'm sorry but one more thing. You are dead wrong about what I have highlighted. He wants to marry you because he loves you and has decided that you are his top choice for a wife. Period. He is not desperate. If you don't accept, I assure you that he will move on and will most likely do better than you. If you were to write you opinion and mine of a piece of paper then put it in a lock box for five year, you'd be in for a big surprise if you re-read it then compared his current life to yours. You are the one who is going to be hurting and desperate for a relationship, not him. I'd say there is an 80% chance that this will be the case.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:06 PM
 
7 posts, read 6,873 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
I'm sorry but one more thing. You are dead wrong about what I have highlighted. He wants to marry you because he loves you and has decided that you are his top choice for a wife. Period. He is not desperate. If you don't accept, I assure you that he will move on and will most likely do better than you. If you were to write you opinion and mine of a piece of paper then put it in a lock box for five year, you'd be in for a big surprise if you re-read it then compared his current life to yours. You are the one who is going to be hurting and desperate for a relationship, not him. I'd say there is an 80% chance that this will be the case.


Huh? Do better? What does that even mean? Why would I resent his future happiness? I want him to end up happy--if we split up, I hope we both "do better," he has a serious illness requiring care and I worry a lot about him. I could never wish him ill. This is not a competition. I don't think he'd even wish "hurting and desperate" on me.
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Old 01-15-2011, 08:59 PM
 
1,838 posts, read 2,967,754 times
Reputation: 1562
Let the guy go. As you stated there was never any "passion" there to begin with and it seem like you just went through the motions with him because you were tired of being drug through the mud with other guys... so this guy was like a breath of fresh air and you were content with the fact that you didn't have to worry about him treating you the way the type of men you usually go for treated you. You were never "into" him. You just wanted a man that you didn't have to take emotional risks with because he emotionally carried the relationship for the both of you, therefor your emotions were never in jeopardy and that's exactly what you wanted due to what has happened to you in the past when you became emotionally invested in the relationship.

Now he wants to get married which after 3 years he should but you know you don't have the feelings one "suppose" to have for a person they're going to marry and you feel guilty about that. Although it was wrong of you to string him along all this time, you can break up with him and let him go on with his life. However you're going to do way more damage by staying with him and marrying him out of guilt. You chose to drag the relationship this far, so it's time to be a big girl and do what's right and cut him loose. You never loved him and still don't, he was just a band aide for your bruised ego.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:54 PM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,237,203 times
Reputation: 16580
If you don't see yourself in the future with this absolutely wonderful man , you should move on, as there are a lot of other women who would be glad to have that future with him.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,972,883 times
Reputation: 27686
I married a man who was a good friend and I was married for more than 35 years. It was OK. We treated each other kindly and got along well. There was little physical chemistry between us. He wasn't interested....I was. I finally figured out that all I was getting was older and if I wanted a chance to experience a loving sexual relationship, I had to move on.

My regrets today are the financial devastation. If I had left years ago, it would have been better. My biggest regret is also not doing it sooner. I was filled with doubt. I knew no one else would ever want me, and I would spend the rest of my life alone. I had been told often enough that I was "more likely to be hit by lightning" than to find a decent man at my age. I heard it all. I accepted it all as truth. I accepted the fact that I would be alone and lonely. I also thought there was something terrible wrong with me. I was incapable of love and loving. But I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't try.

All the naysayers were wrong. Every last one of them. Or if you prefer, I was the one in a billion who was struck by lightning. Something amazing happened. A lot of the women in my age group became grandmotherly....and that made me one hot tamale. I was a hot item. Men out the wazoo were interested in me. And I ended up with a best friend and a best lover all wrapped up in one. And it's better than I even imagined. I can't even explain all the wonderful things I missed out on till now.

I wish I would have ended it sooner. Both of us would have probably moved on to better relationships. That's my story. What I urge you to do is try to think about how you will feel 30 years down the road. You have to assume things will stay the same or become somewhat less intimate over time. Will you be happy?
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:44 PM
 
3,573 posts, read 6,465,492 times
Reputation: 3482
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I married a man who was a good friend and I was married for more than 35 years. It was OK. We treated each other kindly and got along well. There was little physical chemistry between us. He wasn't interested....I was. I finally figured out that all I was getting was older and if I wanted a chance to experience a loving sexual relationship, I had to move on.

My regrets today are the financial devastation. If I had left years ago, it would have been better. My biggest regret is also not doing it sooner. I was filled with doubt. I knew no one else would ever want me, and I would spend the rest of my life alone. I had been told often enough that I was "more likely to be hit by lightning" than to find a decent man at my age. I heard it all. I accepted it all as truth. I accepted the fact that I would be alone and lonely. I also thought there was something terrible wrong with me. I was incapable of love and loving. But I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't try.

All the naysayers were wrong. Every last one of them. Or if you prefer, I was the one in a billion who was struck by lightning. Something amazing happened. A lot of the women in my age group became grandmotherly....and that made me one hot tamale. I was a hot item. Men out the wazoo were interested in me. And I ended up with a best friend and a best lover all wrapped up in one. And it's better than I even imagined. I can't even explain all the wonderful things I missed out on till now.

I wish I would have ended it sooner. Both of us would have probably moved on to better relationships. That's my story. What I urge you to do is try to think about how you will feel 30 years down the road. You have to assume things will stay the same or become somewhat less intimate over time. Will you be happy?
What a great story! I'm not quite sure if I want to date or if I'll ever meet anyone again but if I do, I hope I have the type of relationship you have now.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,972,883 times
Reputation: 27686
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1 View Post
What a great story! I'm not quite sure if I want to date or if I'll ever meet anyone again but if I do, I hope I have the type of relationship you have now.
Believe me, I wake up every morning thinking, DAMN, I'M LUCKY!

Don't settle. If it happened to me, it can happen to you too.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:07 PM
 
1,505 posts, read 1,806,601 times
Reputation: 2748
You don't love him. Go and let him find someone whom he deserves.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:11 PM
 
3,573 posts, read 6,465,492 times
Reputation: 3482
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
Believe me, I wake up every morning thinking, DAMN, I'M LUCKY!

Don't settle. If it happened to me, it can happen to you too.
Thanks, I needed to hear your story!
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