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Unread 02-02-2011, 01:11 PM
 
6,585 posts, read 5,020,988 times
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When a newly divorced guy starts out strong and then all of a sudden stops. Well, that is because he wants to be with someone and then something reminds him of what a relationship brings. Then they have second thoughts. Like, "aww crap! I forgot they are like this sometimes."
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Unread 02-02-2011, 01:14 PM
 
Location: 2nd state in the union...
2,382 posts, read 2,281,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
sigh...NEVER be the first person a divorced guy dates after his divorce. They are so messed up that you shouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole. Walk away honey.
I agree. Most have so many other things (emotionally/mentally) they need to deal with first. It could work out, but it's rare. And it's a risk. I dated a newly divorced guy and it was a disaster from the get-go. Never again.

From a first-hand perspective - when I was newly divorced, all I cared about was having fun and enjoying my new-found freedom. The very last thing on my mind was a relationship with any kind of substance.

It's not gender-specific - happens all the time with both men and women.
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Unread 02-02-2011, 01:51 PM
 
95 posts, read 100,490 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by h886 View Post
Yes, you were a rebound. The trouble with people who are rebounding, is that they can't see their actions and feelings for what they are--they're too close to the situation to understand it clearly. So this guy may have honestly thought he WAS ready to move on... there might have been no harmful intent at all.

After divorce, many people are desperate for comfort, for having that cozy couple-y feeling again and to not let the divorce side-track their life. Consequently, many jump into relationships before they're truly ready, often without even realizing it.

The thing of it is, I don't think it's a good idea to have a false relationship, or to pretend that things are okay when they're not. You guys were dating in a normalish fashion and then he freaked out and backed way off. Common sense says that this guy is NOT ready to date, not yet. Continuing to date, just dating less doesn't make much sense to me because I don't think it addresses the issue. This guy needs to take some time off, evaluate where he is, get his head in a better place as a single guy and then when he's truly READY to be in a relationship, start pursuing a relationship once again. If he keeps quasi-dating you while offering "nothing serious" he will never get the space and distance needed to clear his head and be ready to be a real partner. Eventually what you have right now will just fizzle.

I would tell him nicely that you really like him, understand he's not ready, and that you're looking for something that can eventually grow to be serious. Tell him that if/when he's spent some time processing and is ready to date seriously again, he can give you a call. If you're still single, you'll consider giving it another go.

Right now you have given all your power away, are licking up his scraps and that unbalance of power is unhealthy in a relationship. Again, he may have no bad intent, but you two are setting up something that isn't going to be healthy for either of you.
^^^ This, with flying colors and streamers attached to it for extra emphasis at how correct it is.

I'm getting married in two months and my fiance is divorced. I met him a full year after the divorce was finalized, and they had actually separated about six months before they filed (something about counseling, followed by being unable to support the house, etc). We've talked about his divorce and dating in the wake of it, and this is literally exactly what he's said happened to him. He ended up making a conscious decision to stop dating and figure things out, which led him to a few more who weren't quite right, then to me.

It's that time he took to figure himself out and move past the divorce and the hurt (she cheated on him, and was an all around unpleasant human being), that let him become the wonderful man I'm about to marry. But looking back at his forum postings and journals and whatnot from immediately after the divorce and in the months that followed, I hardly recognize him.

This guy is going to go through more waves of whatever it takes for him to get over his ex-wife, learn to stand on his own again emotionally, and be ready for a relationship. He may be able to do that with you, but more likely than not he'll need to do it on his own, and you'll get hurt. Just don't set yourself up to be hurt by investing more in it that he can even contemplate giving you right now.
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Unread 02-02-2011, 02:13 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
6,366 posts, read 7,505,299 times
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What everyone is telling you (to beware) is probably correct. But there's no way to know for sure. I married the first woman I dated after my divorce and never had any interest in anyone else for as long as she lived. We had a wonderful life together -- for her it was the rest of her life.

Her friends and family had warned her about rebound relationships. (She had also recently divorced.) I thank God that she trusted her own feelings.

You should trust yours too. It's wise to know that the odds are not on your side, but the big winners in life are the ones who don't always play the odds.
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Unread 02-02-2011, 02:13 PM
 
Location: California
23,768 posts, read 13,644,362 times
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I never trusted anyone who was over anxious for a relationship with me. Not that I dont think I'm a catch but because that "let's hurry up and be in love" mentality is usually being driven by something that will surface in a bad way later on. All the good, long relationhships I've had never started out obsessively but just sort of developed organically.
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Unread 02-02-2011, 09:20 PM
 
544 posts, read 763,860 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
....How do you know that HE was not the one that was cheating?....

My thoughts exactly! No one knows the specifics of a divorce, except the divorcing wife and husband. Which means, if he was the one who was on the wrong, he will never tell his future girlfriend that he was on the wrong since everyone likes to present him/herself in a good light. I just wish there is a website to go to to look up the specifics of the divorce when dealing with a divorced person. Most likely what a guy did to his ex-wife, he will do to his new girlfriend or future wife, if he remarries. My sister is dealing with a divorced guy too and she is just going by what he tells her went wrong with his ex-wife. She really needs to know what exactly led to the divorce so that she protects herself but does not know people who know him. She knows his family members and of course, they will protect him by not telling her (my sister) the truth since "blood is thicker than water". How can she find out???? She is scared to death!
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Unread 02-02-2011, 09:34 PM
 
544 posts, read 763,860 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
sigh...They are so messed up that you shouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole....

Obviously I have never been married so don't know anything about a divorce but I just want to understand. What exactly messes up divorced guys????? I am trying to understand the process for the sake of my sister who is dating a divorced guy. She says he is nice but is just irritable. Every little thing makes him mad which makes me think he must be mad @ his ex-wife. Any thoughts as to what goes on in a divorced guy's mind? I would think a divorce brings some type of relief to the concerned parties since no one wants to be in an unhappy marriage. I say that because they would not be divorcing if it was a happy/peaceful marriage.
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Unread 02-02-2011, 10:05 PM
 
Location: John & Ken-ville
12,242 posts, read 7,610,834 times
Reputation: 7942
Give him space.

Divorce is much different than breaking up with a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Divorce over the summer is much too soon, he needs a little more time to sort out his life.

You don't want to be a rebound relationship.

Keep it friendly. I wouldn't get involved yet.
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Unread 02-02-2011, 11:45 PM
 
2,603 posts, read 1,083,798 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tatiana1 View Post
My thoughts exactly! No one knows the specifics of a divorce, except the divorcing wife and husband. Which means, if he was the one who was on the wrong, he will never tell his future girlfriend that he was on the wrong since everyone likes to present him/herself in a good light. I just wish there is a website to go to to look up the specifics of the divorce when dealing with a divorced person. Most likely what a guy did to his ex-wife, he will do to his new girlfriend or future wife, if he remarries. My sister is dealing with a divorced guy too and she is just going by what he tells her went wrong with his ex-wife. She really needs to know what exactly led to the divorce so that she protects herself but does not know people who know him. She knows his family members and of course, they will protect him by not telling her (my sister) the truth since "blood is thicker than water". How can she find out???? She is scared to death!
I can only speak for my family but they would not lie for me in that fashion. Its not that they don't love me, its that its wrong. If I had to guess the way it would go down is they would first try and get me to tell the truth and were I not to come clean they would then do the right thing. They will not be in that postion though, not everyone is without honor.
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Unread 02-03-2011, 12:28 AM
 
Location: In my skin
7,749 posts, read 8,045,867 times
Reputation: 7399
He's not ready and has said as much. If you feel you are getting attached, step back now, rather than later. Relationships that start as a rebound don't typically last, in my observation. You're running on the fumes of the relationship before you, not on your own fuel. It rarely ends well.
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