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I think she feels used because what she really wanted was love... and used sex as a way to get there. Not the wisest course of action.
You could argue she used him via sex to try and get love.
Well, sure, that's a well-known fact since the beginning of times. Just like men use love to get sex. I think very few women set out to just have meaningless sex. Most have hopes they've found a good person, which may turn out not to be the case. Wanting to have sex with a man and wanting more out of the encounter are not mutually exclusive. However, I don't believe in the stupid games many women play as far as timing goes. And those are exactly the ones who don't really want to have sex, but "give in," "put out," and then feel "used." Timing has no bearing on the outcome whatsoever. If he's an as@hole or he doesn't like you or see value in you, he'll dump you even if he has to wait months to get into your pants. I'm also pretty sure men can tell the difference between a woman who really wants to be with them and game-playing wanna-be prude who uses her goods for manipulative reasons.
Well, sure, that's a well-known fact since the beginning of times. Just like men use love to get sex. I think very few women set out to just have meaningless sex. Most have hopes they've found a good person, which may turn out not to be the case. Wanting to have sex with a man and wanting more out of the encounter are not mutually exclusive. However, I don't believe in the stupid games many women play as far as timing goes. And those are exactly the ones who don't really want to have sex, but "give in," "put out," and then feel "used." Timing has no bearing on the outcome whatsoever. If he's an as@hole or he doesn't like you or see value in you, he'll dump you even if he has to wait months to get into your pants. I'm also pretty sure men can tell the difference between a woman who really wants to be with them and game-playing wanna-be prude who uses her goods for manipulative reasons.
My dating life keeps getting worse. I haven't met anyone I really click with, most of the men I've met only want me for sex, and that's not what I'm loking for.
I just met a guy, had been talking to him for a few weeks through msn and text until we finally met. I thought everything was going fine...I hadn't had sex in a year and a half because I was just waiting for the right guy. I liked him...there was sexual attraction by my part. We had sex...mostly because I felt very pressured and felt like I had to live up to what he wanted. Because I hadn't had sex in such a long time, it was very painful and told him to just wait a bit after trying different positions. We layed in bed together, and I just closed my eyes. I felt him get up, fidget around with his things, start texting. I had a very bad feeling. When I woke up from my short nap, I turned to him, saw his gloomy face, and asked him if he was bored. He said it was a mistake that we had met, that we were at different points in our life. He was right in that, but he knew I was inexperienced and wanted to take it slow. We had 2 day plans (he had come from out of town), he was supposed to leave tomorrow, and he told me he was leaving that afternoon instead. I didn't try to hold him back or ask for any explanation, I just said ok and agreed.
I feel so used, heartbroken, sad, angry, nostalgic. We had been clicking so much for weeks and in just one hour, everything was over. I waited so long to be intimate with the right person, he took a very important part of me, and I'm left here with my self-esteem on the ground, wanting to just sleep and never wake up. I know I will eventually get over this, but I have an ache in my heart right now that's too painful to bear. I believed all the beautiful things he had told me for weeks. This is mostly my fault, I know. It still hurts though.
Would this happen to women more often or less often, if guys could simply be honest about their true intentions; and still get laid more often rather than less often?
You hold out for a year trying to find the "right" guy. During this year you easily dismiss all the decent guys because they're not hot or cool, etc. They were "just" nice but not good enough for you to invest some time and find out their good qualities.
Then Handsome Dude comes around. You exchange the typical moronic, half-assed texts and decide to meet. He knocks your socks off and, in your own words, you feel the attraction. Bingo, this is it, this is what I've been waiting for, etc. All based on nothing but his looks.
You tell him to be patient, he ignores it, but hey, he's hot, right? That makes up for anything.
He ends up lousy in bed making it a painful experience and then he basically ignores you, cheats you like crap and walks away.
Now, you're devastated about being used, poor little me, etc. But hey, he was hot.
You know what? You'll find another hot guy and he'll do the same and then we can all be entertained again by another post about being used.
Well, sure, that's a well-known fact since the beginning of times. Just like men use love to get sex. I think very few women set out to just have meaningless sex. Most have hopes they've found a good person, which may turn out not to be the case. Wanting to have sex with a man and wanting more out of the encounter are not mutually exclusive. However, I don't believe in the stupid games many women play as far as timing goes. And those are exactly the ones who don't really want to have sex, but "give in," "put out," and then feel "used." Timing has no bearing on the outcome whatsoever. If he's an as@hole or he doesn't like you or see value in you, he'll dump you even if he has to wait months to get into your pants. I'm also pretty sure men can tell the difference between a woman who really wants to be with them and game-playing wanna-be prude who uses her goods for manipulative reasons.
^^^ Very true! The OP shouldn't beat herself up over it. She wanted him sexually and it didn't work out. That's life. It happens to all of us. I gather she read much more into a "story-book" version of the guy all the while texting and emailing only to have it go up in smoke once they met face to face.
Saying you were "pressured" or "used" is not the case if you wanted to have sex with him. You can't change what's happened but you can learn from this and how to avoid the same experience in the future.
Bosco55: You are the one with strong bias and I've already disproved everything you said. Would emotional pain be addressed by changing positions and waiting a bit before trying again?
No young woman should have poor natural lubrication unless she has an estrogen defect. By default you suck in bed if you are not sensitive to the needs of your partner and respond appropriately no matter if you are the man or woman. No matter what way you slice it...emotional pain or physical pain... he was bad. Here is a counter example: If a woman was giving a BJ and keeps biting/scraping teeth and the guy is in obvious pain and has to tell her to stop, would that be bad sex technique? Absolutely.
Unlike your assertion that his skills do not matter, his skills are completely relevant. This is because he is the one at fault (or at least, 50% of fault) for the mid-coitus arrest. He could cut her some slack for needing a break/nap instead of acting all like it was her fault. If somebody has to ask you to stop what you are doing (whether it is a man or woman) it is your fault. He might not have "stomped off" or necessarily texted a booty call (it was just an exaggeration but it could well be true), but he certainly acted in a very childish and hurtful manner. He should have at least apologized for his 50% part in the crappy sex.
Why do you assume the OP was giving mixed signals? That is where your personal bias comes in very strongly. To me it is clear he is the one giving the mixed signals and over-reacting emotionally / erratically / running away. She made her intentions fairly clear - seeking deeper connections, open to possibility of having sex though preferably not at such a fast pace. He came over knowing this. Why didn't he just stay the weekend and try sex again instead of freaking out and saying that it was all a mistake? If he wants hassle-free sex where he is the only one feeling any pleasure he could have just called a prostitute.
Don't sit there and act like the guy is the jerk for taking what she was willing to give up.
Nobody is debating that this is consensual sex. It is somewhat debatable if he is a jerk for pressuring her (I say yes if the girl is younger and easily manipulated, some would say no). But for sure he is a jerk for acting like a little beeyotch to some relatively minor setbacks in the sexual experience.
I learned long ago that things like that happen in post disaster damage control.
You just want to validate your past actions. I call bias. No reason not to be as straightforward as possible instead of saying some BS reason so you can bail from the "disaster".
Not really... unless one plans to enter a nunnery... You can only learn to select better perhaps.
Well, that's always an option I guess but even the best planned "selections" don't always work out. Caveat emptor!
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The OP shouldn't beat herself up over it. She wanted him sexually and it didn't work out. That's life. It happens to all of us. I gather she read much more into a "story-book" version of the guy all the while texting and emailing only to have it go up in smoke once they met face to face. 