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So the girl I've been seeing the last 3 weeks has been amazing. We've spent a lot of time talking in between dates, been out like 8 times (and one whole week after we first met I was out of town). She and I sleep over at each other's places all the time and the sex is amazing. We talk all the time about how we like each other, I've met her friends and vice versa. We agreed to take down our dating profiles and be exclusive about a week ago.
I'm also new to the relationship realm as my last gf was 4 years ago, but she's been in like 4-5 relationships in the last 7 years. So I feel uneducated about the whole "boyfriend/girlfriend status" thing.
We were talking last night about a party we're going to that her friends will be at and we were talking about questions they might ask about us. She asked me what I'd say if people asked who I was and I made a little joke about it.
I asked her what she would say....she says "what do you want me to say?"
hmmm, this is where it gets tricky: I say she can say whatever she wants and I tell her she can say I'm her boyfriend if she wants. She then says that we already talked about being exclusive and we sleep at each other's apts so she said it's kind of the same thing, but at the same time we've only been dating 3 weeks and she wants to get to know more about me. I just reiterated to her that I didn't know that they were the same thing, I'm not too experienced with relationships lately, but that a title on us isn't important to me and that I'm just happy to spend time with her. She said we'll see in a couple weeks how things go with meeting more of each other's friends at some parties we have lined up.
I'm not too confused, but I can't help but think maybe she set me up to spill that I would like to be her boyfriend only to tell me "we'll see?" Or am I just reading a little too much into it and I need to stop thinking and just roll with it? I'm not going to say anything more about it to her, she knows where I stand so if she wants me I think it will be her job to claim me at this point and I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. Just looking for an outside view in case I'm blinded by how much I like this girl and that I'm overlooking a major red flag.
My first instinct is that you over-thought it. She was the one who stuck her neck out there. My read is that she was hoping you would say, "We'll tell people I'm your boyfriend," give her a sweet kiss, and that would be that.
Instead, there was a lot of non-committal joking, "No, you first," back and forth, what I read as a lot of hesitation for either person to take a risk, etc. So that's probably why you got a coy response. She kind of did the hard work on this one by broaching the subject, and you responded with a wishy-washy answer. She was brave in testing the waters (IMHO) to see if you would bite, and you didn't. So I kind of see why she didn't respond that enthusiastically. No one wants to come across as needy and desperate.
As an aside, be careful that you think with your big head. You guys are moving very quickly. Yeah, I think we've all been there with a person we had great chemistry with, where we were sleeping over all the time, all the sex, seeing them constantly... those things do work out fine sometimes. Just be careful that you don't take any OTHER huge steps too soon. Saying you're her boyfriend is not a huge step. In fact, it might be a little insulting to some girls to hear, "I'll sleep at your house every night, stick my wang in you, you're good enough for that, but when it comes to calling you my girlfriend, let me hold back and think carefully." However, lots of these trains come off the tracks when couples rush into other steps too quickly: living together, engagement, having babies. Use birth control, don't accidentally get pregnant, and take the time to get to know this girl in and outside the bedroom.
Humm....that cart is a mile ahead of the horse.
Can you tell me what the hurry was to hit the home run?
IMO you have set the wrong tone for a relationship.
You do not have one yet, just a FP right now.
My first instinct is that you over-thought it. She was the one who stuck her neck out there. My read is that she was hoping you would say, "We'll tell people I'm your boyfriend," give her a sweet kiss, and that would be that.
Instead, there was a lot of non-committal joking, "No, you first," back and forth, what I read as a lot of hesitation for either person to take a risk, etc. So that's probably why you got a coy response. She kind of did the hard work on this one by broaching the subject, and you responded with a wishy-washy answer. She was brave in testing the waters (IMHO) to see if you would bite, and you didn't. So I kind of see why she didn't respond that enthusiastically. No one wants to come across as needy and desperate.
As an aside, be careful that you think with your big head. You guys are moving very quickly. Yeah, I think we've all been there with a person we had great chemistry with, where we were sleeping over all the time, all the sex, seeing them constantly... those things do work out fine sometimes. Just be careful that you don't take any OTHER huge steps too soon. Saying you're her boyfriend is not a huge step. In fact, it might be a little insulting to some girls to hear, "I'll sleep at your house every night, stick my wang in you, you're good enough for that, but when it comes to calling you my girlfriend, let me hold back and think carefully." However, lots of these trains come off the tracks when couples rush into other steps too quickly: living together, engagement, having babies. Use birth control, don't accidentally get pregnant, and take the time to get to know this girl in and outside the bedroom.
Well I felt like I was the one who stuck out MY neck and told her she can call me her boyfriend. It was the first time either of this had said the word to each other so I felt like I put myself out there and tried to initiate the boyfriend/girlfriend committment. If she was fishing for me to say that then why did she pass on it? That's the only thing that bothers me only a tiny tiny bit. I'm cool with just seeing each other more and seeing where it goes, I just don't understand why she baited me into saying that only to leave me hanging...
Well I felt like I was the one who stuck out MY neck and told her she can call me her boyfriend. It was the first time either of this had said the word to each other so I felt like I put myself out there and tried to initiate the boyfriend/girlfriend committment. If she was fishing for me to say that then why did she pass on it? That's the only thing that bothers me only a tiny tiny bit. I'm cool with just seeing each other more and seeing where it goes, I just don't understand why she baited me into saying that only to leave me hanging...
I don't mean to hurt your feelings... I'm just trying to explain how I (as a bystander with no horse in this race) see the interaction as taking place. Certainly, there's awkwardness on both sides early in a relationship.
In my opinion, she was the one who stuck her neck out by bringing up the entire "what should we tell people?" topic in the first place. Personally, I think that's a decent way to do things. She approached the subject lightly while still showing her obvious interest, leaving you to either take the ball and run with it by saying, "That I'm your boyfriend," or by shrugging it off and not responding, which would lead her to think you weren't that serious. I think that a lot of women, if they got such a wishy-washy response after expressing their interest, would have backed way off, just like she did.
You're the guy. Many men take the lead a bit at pursuing and courting a woman they are interested in. She may find it a bit off-putting if you expect her to take the more aggressive role. Women don't want to hear after already bringing up the issue themselves, "You can call me your boyfriend." They want to hear, "I want you to be my girlfriend." Very different meanings in those two statements.
Look at it this way, you guys are having sex. You're telling me that you can't understand why she would let you perform this most intimate act with her and then be a little hurt if you wouldn't even risk expressing that you like her enough to make her your girlfriend, instead of some random vagina you're banging every night?
Could be that some of this insecurity comes from the fact that you two are doing it like rabbits without any commitment at all. People do that and it's fine, but if she actually likes you and actually wants the relationship to go somewhere, she may be getting a little nervous about that.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings... I'm just trying to explain how I (as a bystander with no horse in this race) see the interaction as taking place. Certainly, there's awkwardness on both sides early in a relationship.
In my opinion, she was the one who stuck her neck out by bringing up the entire "what should we tell people?" topic in the first place. Personally, I think that's a decent way to do things. She approached the subject lightly while still showing her obvious interest, leaving you to either take the ball and run with it by saying, "That I'm your boyfriend," or by shrugging it off and not responding, which would lead her to think you weren't that serious. I think that a lot of women, if they got such a wishy-washy response after expressing their interest, would have backed way off, just like she did.
You're the guy. Many men take the lead a bit at pursuing and courting a woman they are interested in. She may find it a bit off-putting if you expect her to take the more aggressive role.
Look at it this way, you guys are having sex. You're telling me that you can't understand why she would let you perform this most intimate act with her and then be a little hurt if you wouldn't even risk expressing that you like her enough to make her your girlfriend, instead of some random vagina you're banging every night?
Could be that some of this insecurity comes from the fact that you two are doing it like rabbits without any commitment at all. People do that and it's fine, but if she actually likes you and actually wants the relationship to go somewhere, she may be getting a little nervous about that.
Take the reins, dude.
I appreciate the insight. As a bystander looking inside from the outside, I can tell you we have a semi-sarcastic sense of humor about us that we both love. I made a tiny joke about it at first but then I DID take the reigns, I DID tell her I would like to be called her boyfriend. I don't know how to make it any more clear than to say what I said to her.
We have established some committment as well. We both agreed to take down our dating profiles and we agreed to be exclusive to each other. She knows how I feel about her as we've been very open and honest from day 1, more than I usually like to be but it's been going so well by being "open book" that I'm just going with what feels right.
I really don't think she's nervous about me taking the reigns and she's been very upfront with me asking the hard questions and not beating around the bush. This is the only time I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish. Without going into too many details I have taken the lead and been the initiator so far in terms of contacting her/going on dates/made first kiss, but she's also initiated things like meeting her friends and spending NYE together as our 3rd date.
Things are going fast and I have no problem taking it slow and keeping things at dating if that's what she's comfortable with. I just don't understand initiating the conversation only to back away.
It's really very simple. IMHO, she was nervous about this topic, for whatever reason. She wanted to discuss it, but didn't feel brave enough to come right out and say, "Ask me to be your girlfriend," without knowing what you would say.
So instead of being so blunt and risking a very harsh rejection, she floated the topic gently, giving both parties a chance to save face. If you liked her and wanted her to be your girlfriend instead of just the girl you were banging, she expected you to say so. Instead, you made a joke, you traded back and forth a few times trying to get her to wear the pants in the relationship, basically saying "Not it." Then finally you made a weak effort at what no woman would have considered romantic:
"I say she can say whatever she wants and I tell her she can say I'm her boyfriend if she wants."
Sorry, dude. You sound like a nice guy, but that line is never going to make it into a romance novel. You have been banging her seven ways to Sunday and the best you can come up with is, "You can say whatever you want," then following it with the not much more romantic, "You can say I'm your boyfriend if you want."
Sorry, but that isn't going to win any hearts and I think most women would have been more than a little bit insulted at that point. She is sleeping with you and you can't find the stones to say, "Yes, I like you. You are more than just a random vagina I am banging. It would make me very happy if you would be my girlfriend."
Of course she then backed off, pretended she didn't care, gave a non-committal answer, tried to talk her way out of it. You hurt her feelings. You acted like you were too cool to care after she's been sleeping with you for weeks. Was it really that hard to say you wanted her to be yours?
My advice: go buy a dozen roses and surprise her with a romantic date tonight. Make it about how much you like her, not just about her being fun to joke and have sex with.
We were talking last night about a party we're going to that her friends will be at and we were talking about questions they might ask about us. She asked me what I'd say if people asked who I was and I made a little joke about it.
...
"I am a male prostitute that she hired for the evening."
"I am her long lost twin brother."
"I'm her plumber"
"Me ? No one special"
"The father of her illegitimate love child."
The little games women play.
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