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Several of my friends were sitting around chatting, and then the topic of relationships came up. One of my female friends remarked that girls like it when you start out as friends first and then go into a relationship. How much truth is to this statement? Is it something that varies from girl to girl? Is it something that a majority of girls agree with?
I just ask because, well, I'm not the most confident person and have only asked out friends in the past. Even when I thought that something was there, some sort of spark, it didn't work out. The girl invariably doesn't feel the same way. Maybe it's because I'm just really bad at reading signals. Maybe it's because I don't know how to make myself look attractive to girls (although, I just act as myself).
What women say and what they actually do are often completely different and in many cases polar opposites. Can "friends first" work out? Sure. But it's rare. As the hordes of men stuck in the friends zone can attest, it's damn hard to move from friends to something more.
spend a decent amount of time with a woman that says "let's be friends first"
or maybe just stop all contact altogether.
If your goal is to become intimate and have a relationship of man and woman with the chick.. then you must never take it slow. A woman will not respect a man who doesn't go after what he wants. If you're saying that you want her, like her, etc, and you don't make a move, even though you and her both know you want to get your mouth on hers... she will keep you as just a friend if she does like you, but nothing more.
Some woman just like attention and that's why guy end up in the friend zone. They don't like them enough to have a relationship with, but yet they want to be able to call someone when they're lonely and bored.
Okay, I am just joking with the photo... but it's a thought! I read stuff like this and am thankful everyday that I was a teen in the 80's when people were not so... uhm... the way they are today! People just sort of hooked up out of nowhere left and right, no rhyme or reason to it, no assessments of the situation, no ulterior motives, no "Gee, you are supposed to develop a relationship over a (long) period of time and be in love before you scurry off to Motel 6 together or go hump each other's brains out on a nice patch of secluded beach someplace!" Back then simple physical attraction in itself was quite sufficient for no long and drawn out BS. There's obviously a few complications around in this day and age with that behavior but holy crap it doesn't mean everyone should go celibate or change the rules of the game such that indicating your desire for someone has to be in some sort of elaborate secret code or anything!hahaha
Enzio, it also might just be YOU. Not because you are a bad person or anything but because of circumstance! Case in point, when I was in the Navy years ago we went all over. We would pull into someplace for a period of time... US, overseas, Caribbean, etc... This friend of mine who was a nice kid and we are still in touch had a tendency to go out with a group of "the guys" in their offtime and in places like Ft. Lauderdale or St. Croix that is about the dumbest thing you could ever do is to hang with a group of "the guys" if you even THOUGHT about wanting to meet and hang out with the opposite sex! I went out alone more often than not to the local spots and OH BOY during periods of my Naval service I couldn't keep up with it all! During one particular deployment, I met a few Brit girls in Cerbere, France while touring about the countryside. I caught up to the three of them by taking 2 weeks leave and spending it with them in Ibiza! I crawled back to the ship in Marseille, France a few weeks later with my groin muscles so sore I could barely walk and was thinking, "Oh my gosh, this is how Mick Jagger and Wilt Chamberlain must feel most of the time!" While this sort of thing was happening to me left and right, my pal, poor Eric... such a nice kid and all but since he had this tendency to hang with a group of "the guys", who happen to all be drinking and acting like idiots collectively with behavior such as catcalls and whistles to women they ran across well... he stayed celibate for a few years I guess it was? Something like that... At least he finally got laid at some point!!!Yeehawwww!! Because he is now married. Maybe change your environmental aspects to enhance your love life and LET HER KNOW you REALLY like her when you run in to her?
If a woman mentions anything along the lines of this "just be friends" stuff that means she has definitely ruled out having her way with you. Psychologically people of both genders make almost immediate assessments of suitability for a romantic encounter, whether right up on the surface and consciously or deep in our subconscious. This relatively instantaneous compatibility assessment is built right into our genes and is based on multiple factors and such tiny details as miniscule as individual pheromones! With women these details can become more elaborate beyond this initial assessment and require at least some time but alluding to "just be friends" at any given point is simply a nice way of saying "You have an ice-cube's chance in hell of ever hitting the sack with me".
Some women that say things like, "Gee, I just don't understand! I mean, I flicked my hair about three times and batted my eyelashes around just the right way and giggled like an idiot just like it said to do in cosmopolitan magazine and it didn't WORK! He must not like me!" Uhm... no... it's not that. It's because guys need a bit more than silly subtle hints that will only puzzle them! I put it like this from watching the comedian Ron White talking about some article in cosmopolitan magazine talking of "how to totally turn a man on to you" sort of thing that rambled on about some part of the ear and you are supposed to touch it a certain way and blah blah blah... Ron White explains this article he read from his wife's cosmopolitan magazine she left laying around, pauses for a moment, smiles, looks out over the audience and says, "That's all complete bullsh*t... uhm... let me give you a little hint... it's his d*ck and not his ear."
Walk away whenever they bring it up the friends subject...
There have been a few occasions where I've been dating or wooing a gal where something like this happens:
ME: "So, this new Italian place opened up that's supposed to be really awesome, and it's right by a really awesome bar I know. What are you up to tomorrow night?"
HER: "That sounds fun, but... well, I started seeing this guy, so if we go, it can only be as friends."
ME: "Oh. Nevermind."
HER: "I'm sorry. I mean, we can still hang out sometimes... you're really fun and cool..."
ME: "No. I'm sorry, but I met you with the intention of dating, and then we dated... so I can't just turn my feelings off and be your pal. I hope you understand."
HER: "Yeah... oh man, I'm sorry."
ME: "Yeah. Let me know when you're single again. Take care."
I don't take well to being passed up for someone else (who does?), and it's true: am I supposed to immediately turn off any sexual or romantic attraction I had with a girl and step into a platonic dynamic I don't know with her overnight? It's not that easy generally, and all it ends up doing is hurting me. I feel like it's the most mature and honest thing to just tell them how it is than to hang around with an ulterior motive.
Now, this said, there are a few girls in my life whom I've had romantic relationships with whom I'm still good friends with. I've met their new boyfriends and been polite and civil because I'm totally cool about it - the relationships ran their course, and at the end of it was a platonic friendship. I wouldn't entertain the notion of rekindling with any of these women. But unless that's happened? No thanks.
I don't take well to being passed up for someone else (who does?), and it's true: am I supposed to immediately turn off any sexual or romantic attraction I had with a girl and step into a platonic dynamic I don't know with her overnight? It's not that easy generally, and all it ends up doing is hurting me. I feel like it's the most mature and honest thing to just tell them how it is than to hang around with an ulterior motive.
I like to get to know a girl first before dating her. In fact, I wouldn't know right away if I wanted to date her. How can you be interested in someone you just met and barely know, unless it was love at first sight?
But some posters make it sound like my approach is the wrong way to go. I guess that's just another reason why my dating life is nothing to brag about.
I like to get to know a girl first before dating her. In fact, I wouldn't know right away if I wanted to date her. How can you be interested in someone you just met and barely know, unless it was love at first sight?
But some posters make it sound like my approach is the wrong way to go. I guess that's just another reason why my dating life is nothing to brag about.
The meek shall inherit the earth... after the driven have had their way with it
My instinct just tells me it's creepy to ask a girl out right after meeting her. Another poster started a thread called "Never again will I say yes to a man that asks me out 5 minutes after meeting me" or something along those lines.
If I asked a girl out right away, she would probably be thinking:
"How can he be interested in me? He just met me. Why is he talking to me? Is he just talking to me because he wants to date me?"
If the title of this thread is true and girls like to start out as friends first, that's good news for me.
When I first see someone, I might think they're hot/cute. But I wouldn't know yet if I want to date them. I might view them as a potential date, but I would have to get to know them before I know whether or not I want to date them.
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