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If you guys have been friends all along and you suddenly find yourself developing feelings for her, that's one thing, but its still very tricky. You may find that she had a crush on you all along, but maybe not. You have to find a way to make it not awkward to stay friends like you were before if you find out the feelings aren't mutual.
Right. I never go into a friendship with other motives. Each time so far, I've just developed feelings for the friend. I guess the key is finding a way to make it not awkward, because it's of course too difficult to stay friends with someone you're infatuated with.
Right. I never go into a friendship with other motives. Each time so far, I've just developed feelings for the friend. I guess the key is finding a way to make it not awkward, because it's of course too difficult to stay friends with someone you're infatuated with.
Or perhaps don't approach them as friends in the first place...
It's a double-edged sword, it seems - "conventional wisdom" says become friends first; but then you have the problem of friend-zoning. If you go for the gusto right off the bat, you pass up the deeper connection. A delicate balance.
She knows within a few seconds of meeting you how close you will ever get to her. I think some women carry on the friendship thing, to see if you are worthy.
Or perhaps don't approach them as friends in the first place...
It's a double-edged sword, it seems - "conventional wisdom" says become friends first; but then you have the problem of friend-zoning. If you go for the gusto right off the bat, you pass up the deeper connection. A delicate balance.
It's why I like my goldfish.
Well, I think my point was that in these particular scenarios, I wasn't initially attracted to the girl. Over time, however, as I began to know them more, I developed feelings for the girl.
This doesn't happen all the time. In fact, it hasn't happened that often. But, in those cases, I didn't see them as a date at first, so I wouldn't have gone for them right off the bat.
Well, I think my point was that in these particular scenarios, I wasn't initially attracted to the girl. Over time, however, as I began to know them more, I developed feelings for the girl.
This doesn't happen all the time. In fact, it hasn't happened that often. But, in those cases, I didn't see them as a date at first, so I wouldn't have gone for them right off the bat.
OK, thanks. I didn't get into this thread too much, perhaps because it hits too close to home.
...because it's of course too difficult to stay friends with someone you're infatuated with.
Maybe look at it from a different perspective...
Instead of using an "either/or" mindset - either they're a friend or an infatuation - build on the friendship. Extend it slowly, like you would a telescoping ladder; at the first sign of failure, back it down a notch or two.
Or, be willing to sacrifice the "friendship" aspect in hopes of gaining a deeper relationship. In that case, it's like double-or-nothing - you either walk away from the table a rich man, or totally broke.
If something is truly worth pursuing, you have to take risks.
Instead of using an "either/or" mindset - either they're a friend or an infatuation - build on the friendship. Extend it slowly, like you would a telescoping ladder; at the first sign of failure, back it down a notch or two.
Or, be willing to sacrifice the "friendship" aspect in hopes of gaining a deeper relationship. In that case, it's like double-or-nothing - you either walk away from the table a rich man, or totally broke.
If something is truly worth pursuing, you have to take risks.
I like this.
In all cases thus far, I've taken the second option. It hasn't worked yet, but I think you put it perfectly, 'if something is truly worth pursuing, you have to take risks'. Unfortunately, when I get interested in someone, it's too difficult for me to back it down a notch or two. Well, I don't know if that's the correct way to put it. Maybe I just haven't learned how.
I guess my chief problem is avoiding these situations altogether. I need to find a way to muster up the courage to ask random girls out for dates, and *not* go about with my current method, which seems to be something along the lines of: live life. If I happen to stumble across someone that I do like (which has so far turned out to be a friend for whom I developed feelings), I wait until my feelings get to a certain point so that I pretty much have to force myself to ask them out. Of course, I'm sure everyone can point out many follies with this method. But I do think part of it does stem from my lack of courage, or my lack of proper self-esteem even.
...I guess my chief problem is avoiding these situations altogether. I need to find a way to muster up the courage to ask random girls out for dates, and *not* go about with my current method, which seems to be something along the lines of: live life. If I happen to stumble across someone that I do like (which has so far turned out to be a friend for whom I developed feelings), I wait until my feelings get to a certain point so that I pretty much have to force myself to ask them out. Of course, I'm sure everyone can point out many follies with this method. But I do think part of it does stem from my lack of courage, or my lack of proper self-esteem even.
Eh, I wouldn't necessarily call it lack of courage or self-esteem; it's just your Way. The trick is to be in harmony with your own particular "operating system" so that you don't get the dreaded Blue Screen of Death.
I'm pretty much the same - I "go with the flow" and don't aggressively pursue someone unless they REALLY knock my socks off. That's happened maybe 4-5 times in my life. The rest of the time I can take it or leave it...it's when they really make an impact on me that all of that storybook stuff happens - shortness of breath, glazed expression, walking into walls, etc. - as opposed to the run-of-the-mill, "Eh, she's kinda nice"-type of attraction.
One is just a firecracker - the other, a weapon of mass destruction.
Maybe you could look into differentiating the feelings you get (and subsequently act upon) from those two ends of the spectrum...at least it might help you qualify which one is worth losing sleep over.
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