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how can women be so stupid???BREAK the trust,have you ever heart about it?it does not matter,if you arranged it,YOU BROKE THE TRUST,the bound..a stranger came into your marriage!!what a stupid idea!you did it with your own hands...
guess what?you will not fix it so light,maybe never!!!you will always have the images in front of your eyes!!and you will always be suspicious...and yes,if your husband got a taste for it,he might search it somewhereelse too,withouht your help!!
and with a call girl!!!!how irresponsable and immature person you are!!what about veneral diseases,bacteria and so on...!!how disguesting!You are a mother and you should be ashamed for such an action!only desperate people go to call girls,lowlives,people with no values..
do you know,how many bacterias and how dirty a call girl is!!is like wearing the underwear of everybody..and you exposed yourself,your husband,your children!SHAME ON YOU!
not a support group is what you need,you need get more ducated,more matture and more responsable mother.Only a bad mother act like this!!!You parents go to a prostitute,shame on you both!!
I'm no expert on this , but I believe if the circle of trust breakes , it will be very hard to fix , maybe never. A friend once told me to keep a marriage happy and intact , one needs to spice it up , by that I didn't mean to call up on a call girl. What I meant was between husband and wife.
I have seen stranger things in this life , my advice to you is see if you can pass this point , and if not , then its time to move on. We're all human and we make mistakes along the way , I only hope we can learn from it. It is very very hard and I wish you the best of luck.
Seriously. Really seriously. That's so much BS you've just written. It won't kill her to trust him - are you for real? Why in the heck would she trust him since he was with a prostitute??? It's him that needs to earn her trust. That will take a lot of love, and alot of understanding on your part - Again, it's unbelievable what you're saying here, NO, it will take a lot of love and understanding on his part. NOT HERS. Are you woman enough to show him you care? This statement has me so mad that I can't believe you wrote that. IS SHE WOMAN ENOUGH. You are insinuating that she is not woman enough to keep her man. I hated to hear that when I was younger. That's so BS. Yeah, she is woman enough but unfortunately, he wasn't man enough to keep his d^ck in his pants and talk to his wife on what was bothering him. Even if she knew what he wanted and couldn't do that for him sexually, that gives him no excuse to go out and pay someone to do what he wanted. We all don't get what we want in life! People want instant gratification nowadays and that's why people justify their bad behavior.
donie1,
Obviously you are a female and put yourself above men. Might be well if you would have read and understood what I was saying. The op asked about "getting past my husbands infidelity".. She didn't ask how can I make this look like all the blame is on my husband. She didn't ask "how can I make my husband ask for my forgiveness". There are two sides to every story, transgressions like this don't usually happen in a healthy relationship, something, somewhere causes it. Maybe you are 'lily white', and near perfect, but believe me there are women out there who do the same stupid things men do. There are men that cause their wives to stray and wives that cause their men to stray. All I am saying is she is not totally blameless. The easy solution for her would be file for divorce. But she was asking how to get beyond the infidelity, there is only one way to do that and have the marriage survive, and that is to forgive him. If she has what it takes to do that, there is the possibility their marriage can be saved (if that is what she wants). I can tell from your rant forgiveness wouldn't be in you, you wouldn't be able to put something like this behind you and move on. Bitterness and jealously don't make a good combination when it comes to working through problems, but you probably already know all about that. People who think like you throw up their hands and quit when the going gets tough instead of remembering the phrase "for better or for worse". She is the only one that can really get through this and be happy in her own mind, she is the one that controls her thought process. I didn't once say her husband isn't a first class jerk, he is in my opinion. But she can only control her own actions, she can not control what her husband does or doesn't do.
Obviously you are a female and put yourself above men. Might be well if you would have read and understood what I was saying. The op asked about "getting past my husbands infidelity".. She didn't ask how can I make this look like all the blame is on my husband. She didn't ask "how can I make my husband ask for my forgiveness". There are two sides to every story, transgressions like this don't usually happen in a healthy relationship, something, somewhere causes it. Maybe you are 'lily white', and near perfect, but believe me there are women out there who do the same stupid things men do. There are men that cause their wives to stray and wives that cause their men to stray. All I am saying is she is not totally blameless. The easy solution for her would be file for divorce. But she was asking how to get beyond the infidelity, there is only one way to do that and have the marriage survive, and that is to forgive him. If she has what it takes to do that, there is the possibility their marriage can be saved (if that is what she wants). I can tell from your rant forgiveness wouldn't be in you, you wouldn't be able to put something like this behind you and move on. Bitterness and jealously don't make a good combination when it comes to working through problems, but you probably already know all about that. People who think like you throw up their hands and quit when the going gets tough instead of remembering the phrase "for better or for worse". She is the only one that can really get through this and be happy in her own mind, she is the one that controls her thought process. I didn't once say her husband isn't a first class jerk, he is in my opinion. But she can only control her own actions, she can not control what her husband does or doesn't do.
You're right, I'm a femaile BUT I am NOT above a man. Absolutely women do the same as men in this case.
No you're right, I would definitely NOT put this behind me and forgive. I've explained in another thread that this is ONE thing in a relationship I will not tolerate. But I must certainly would move on.
It has nothing to do with me being bitter or jealous. If I were to stay in a marriage that the vows were broken then I could see myself becoming bitter or jealous.
When I go into a relationship, I let them know that I will not tolerate cheating. If they feel like they do not want to be with me anymore, then just tell me and I'll move on.
The person that cheats in a marriage is the one that walked away from the marriage and "for better or worse" doesn't include adultery in my mind.
The last paragraph I do agree with you. What this woman does from now on is what is right for her. For me, once someone cheats on me, it's over. I have no more trust in you and you can't live without trusting someone.
You're right, I'm a femaile BUT I am NOT above a man. Absolutely women do the same as men in this case.
No you're right, I would definitely NOT put this behind me and forgive. I've explained in another thread that this is ONE thing in a relationship I will not tolerate. But I must certainly would move on.
It has nothing to do with me being bitter or jealous. If I were to stay in a marriage that the vows were broken then I could see myself becoming bitter or jealous.
When I go into a relationship, I let them know that I will not tolerate cheating. If they feel like they do not want to be with me anymore, then just tell me and I'll move on.
The person that cheats in a marriage is the one that walked away from the marriage and "for better or worse" doesn't include adultery in my mind.
The last paragraph I do agree with you. What this woman does from now on is what is right for her. For me, once someone cheats on me, it's over. I have no more trust in you and you can't live without trusting someone.
Not everyone thinks the same. Not everyone feels about cheating like you do. I take my wedding vows darn seriously too, but I'm not so sure I couldn't forgive my wife if she screwed up and did something stupid like the op's husband did. I think it is hard to say what you would do until it happens to you. Regardless of what you do or think, there is only one way to get beyond this cheating situation and that is forgive and move forward. If that isn't your way of doing things then, like you, divorce is the only answer. As people get older and experience more of what life has to offer, sometimes they change their minds about things. I would guess you to be less than 30 years old, but that is only a guess. The day may come when everything isn't either black or white for you.
Just over a year ago, my husband thought it would be a good idea to get together with a call girl. I found the money, the extra phone blah, blah, blah... I just can't seem to trust again so that we can move on. We had it all, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world only to be blindsided for an anniversary gift. When things are going good, I'm happy again, but if he works late or steps outside to take a phone call, I go into panic mode and everything from that point is like sleeping with one eye open until I blow up about it to him. I hate to blow up, but if I just mention one little thing, he gets upset that I still don't trust him.
I was honestly hoping to find a support group, but this is all I could find. It can't hurt, so I figured I would try. We have know each other for eight years, married for six and built a home and family together. I want to fix our marriage, but can't seem to figure out how. If you have been here, and have come through with your family and partner, please help me...
First of all I am going to reply from my head and not my heart. Until something like this happens to you, then you have no idea how you are going to feel. I do not presume to know how you feel, but I am going to give you the LOGICAL (non-emotional) opinion.
First of all, you have to understand that using a call girl's services has nothing to do with YOU. It has nothing to do with your marriage. It does not indicate failure or lack of love or lack of sexual interest.
Men are different than we are. They do not equate sex to love. Sex is sex. It has its own heartbeat. You can be madly, MADLY in love with the woman of your dreams FOREVER, and that will not stop you from having desire for another woman. It is NORMAL in the male. It is NATURAL.
Because of our culture, men have been repressed to express this desire. In other cultures this is not so. In Europe many men patronize prostitutes with their wife's knowledge and blessing. In Asia, well we ALL know about Asia. Prostitution is practically a daily event. Believe me when I tell you that no Vietnamese wife is going to get upset to find out that her husband has visited a prostitute.
But in our culture it is considered BAD or wrong. That is what we have grown up with, and it is very difficult upon the men who are normal and natural and want to enjoy sexual relations with someone besides their wife.
Now, I will grant you that there is an element of risk involved with regard to STDs and that kind of thing, so I hope that your husband had the good sense to use as much protection as possible so that he did not bring anything home with him.
Keep in mind that many years ago in this country that prostitution was perfectly legal and nobody minded it much, least of all wives who were not particularly interested providing sexual favors to their husbands. It was a difficult time because there was no cure for sexually transmitted diseases then, and some men (and women) died from them. But the point is that what these men did was not considered wrong.
You must try to NOT judge your husband's actions by female standards. You must realize that what he did may not have been something that you approved of but that, in the grand scheme of things it does not reflect on you or his love for you. Stop beating him up about it. It would be very advantageous for you to begin a dialog (a non-accusatory dialog) with him about this and come to an understanding that although you are not happy about the event, that you do UNDERSTAND. It would also be a great idea to come to an agreement that in the future, if he feels the desire and need to "go strange" on you, that you talk about it before hand so that there are no horrible hurt feelings of betrayal involved.
First of all I am going to reply from my head and not my heart. Until something like this happens to you, then you have no idea how you are going to feel. I do not presume to know how you feel, but I am going to give you the LOGICAL (non-emotional) opinion.
First of all, you have to understand that using a call girl's services has nothing to do with YOU. It has nothing to do with your marriage. It does not indicate failure or lack of love or lack of sexual interest.
Men are different than we are. They do not equate sex to love. Sex is sex. It has its own heartbeat. You can be madly, MADLY in love with the woman of your dreams FOREVER, and that will not stop you from having desire for another woman. It is NORMAL in the male. It is NATURAL.
Because of our culture, men have been repressed to express this desire. In other cultures this is not so. In Europe many men patronize prostitutes with their wife's knowledge and blessing. In Asia, well we ALL know about Asia. Prostitution is practically a daily event. Believe me when I tell you that no Vietnamese wife is going to get upset to find out that her husband has visited a prostitute.
But in our culture it is considered BAD or wrong. That is what we have grown up with, and it is very difficult upon the men who are normal and natural and want to enjoy sexual relations with someone besides their wife.
Now, I will grant you that there is an element of risk involved with regard to STDs and that kind of thing, so I hope that your husband had the good sense to use as much protection as possible so that he did not bring anything home with him.
Keep in mind that many years ago in this country that prostitution was perfectly legal and nobody minded it much, least of all wives who were not particularly interested providing sexual favors to their husbands. It was a difficult time because there was no cure for sexually transmitted diseases then, and some men (and women) died from them. But the point is that what these men did was not considered wrong.
You must try to NOT judge your husband's actions by female standards. You must realize that what he did may not have been something that you approved of but that, in the grand scheme of things it does not reflect on you or his love for you. Stop beating him up about it. It would be very advantageous for you to begin a dialog (a non-accusatory dialog) with him about this and come to an understanding that although you are not happy about the event, that you do UNDERSTAND. It would also be a great idea to come to an agreement that in the future, if he feels the desire and need to "go strange" on you, that you talk about it before hand so that there are no horrible hurt feelings of betrayal involved.
First of all I am going to reply from my head and not my heart. Until something like this happens to you, then you have no idea how you are going to feel. I do not presume to know how you feel, but I am going to give you the LOGICAL (non-emotional) opinion.
First of all, you have to understand that using a call girl's services has nothing to do with YOU. It has nothing to do with your marriage. It does not indicate failure or lack of love or lack of sexual interest.
Men are different than we are. They do not equate sex to love. Sex is sex. It has its own heartbeat. You can be madly, MADLY in love with the woman of your dreams FOREVER, and that will not stop you from having desire for another woman. It is NORMAL in the male. It is NATURAL.
Because of our culture, men have been repressed to express this desire. In other cultures this is not so. In Europe many men patronize prostitutes with their wife's knowledge and blessing. In Asia, well we ALL know about Asia. Prostitution is practically a daily event. Believe me when I tell you that no Vietnamese wife is going to get upset to find out that her husband has visited a prostitute.
But in our culture it is considered BAD or wrong. That is what we have grown up with, and it is very difficult upon the men who are normal and natural and want to enjoy sexual relations with someone besides their wife.
Now, I will grant you that there is an element of risk involved with regard to STDs and that kind of thing, so I hope that your husband had the good sense to use as much protection as possible so that he did not bring anything home with him.
Keep in mind that many years ago in this country that prostitution was perfectly legal and nobody minded it much, least of all wives who were not particularly interested providing sexual favors to their husbands. It was a difficult time because there was no cure for sexually transmitted diseases then, and some men (and women) died from them. But the point is that what these men did was not considered wrong.
You must try to NOT judge your husband's actions by female standards. You must realize that what he did may not have been something that you approved of but that, in the grand scheme of things it does not reflect on you or his love for you. Stop beating him up about it. It would be very advantageous for you to begin a dialog (a non-accusatory dialog) with him about this and come to an understanding that although you are not happy about the event, that you do UNDERSTAND. It would also be a great idea to come to an agreement that in the future, if he feels the desire and need to "go strange" on you, that you talk about it before hand so that there are no horrible hurt feelings of betrayal involved.
20yrsinBranson
You put it so well! When it comes to something like this I don't think most women think with a logical mind. It is nice to see we have a few real thinkers amoung us. Thanks, R...
Here's an idea: since hubby is obviously dissatisfied with married sex life and digs call girls, and you don't posess the self-esteem to leave him, and indeed sound as if you'll do anything to please him, why don't you guys both get a call girl together and do the threesome thing? It might just add the spice to your marriage that you need, and also would alleviate any further jealousy or "panic mode" feelings for you. It's killing two birds with one stone. (Two birds with one hooker! LOL.)
Not everyone thinks the same. Not everyone feels about cheating like you do. I take my wedding vows darn seriously too, but I'm not so sure I couldn't forgive my wife if she screwed up and did something stupid like the op's husband did. I think it is hard to say what you would do until it happens to you. Regardless of what you do or think, there is only one way to get beyond this cheating situation and that is forgive and move forward. If that isn't your way of doing things then, like you, divorce is the only answer. As people get older and experience more of what life has to offer, sometimes they change their minds about things. I would guess you to be less than 30 years old, but that is only a guess. The day may come when everything isn't either black or white for you.
It's not like he had a fling with one of the neighbors, he planned this whole thing out with an escort service down to getting a phone to carry on his cheating. He had too much planning going on to make it a one time thing. This has been going on for some time, IMO. All the diseases he could be bringing home to her too.
I usually don't see the world in black and white and look at everything through gray lenses BUT on this issue, NO. That is one action that I will not tolerate. PERIOD. I could never trust him again.
I do forgive and move on but I move on by myself. I do not hold any grudges against others but I will not be in a marriage that the trust has been broken. That is me and I'll always be that way. I saw too many times as a child, my father cheating over and over again. And I've seen it in my adult life too. I've seen men that cheat over and over again. There are some men, that for whatever reason, cheated and will never cheat again but that is rare. Most people that cheat will cheat over and over again.
And like I said before, those people that go outside their marriage for sex have broken the vows of marriage.
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Getting past my husbands Infidelity...
