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What she is saying (to put it succinctly) is that if he fixed her problems then she'd have nothing to complain about and this would make her unhappy.
How's that?
No wonder single men, over 35, are so happy.
What's interesting is that you, and few other specific guys on this forum, are the only folk that come to mind for me that complain over and over and over about the same thing. It never ends. It's your miserable lives and women... over and over and blame, blame, blame. JHC, that would drive me nuts to be within close proximity on a daily basis.
This answers the questions I had for Denny. It's not gender based. That's for sure.
My husband was in the fire dept. There were a few men on the force who had a tendency to whine and complain and play "poor me" when things didn't go "their way." Thank goodness all the men didn't act this way. My husband got tired of having to listen to them. I think there are both men and women who like to play "suffering martyrs."
Being succinct you would say: "I don't like you guys because you speak the truth!"
Not really. I kind of like that it's your truth because the lot of you deserve what you get. Although, on some days I feel a bit more compassion and feel bad for you.
So, you think that if you did not set limits your partner, any partner?, would whine out of control indefinitely?
Why exactly would you choose to date someone that complains 24/7? Or, is this just a part of the human condition? If not, such a personality, I would guess, would be riddled with dozens of peccadilloes that you would have to set limits on.
It varies from person to person. Some people whine more than others. And I don't think it's exclusive to women. As you correctly pointed out, men are just as capable of whining about the same things over and over. But I do think it's important to set limits on just how much whining you're willing to tolerate from someone. People don't always realize when they've crossed the line. Imagine you're in a restaurant and you're talking too loud. But no has told you. Would you realize that you're talking too loud? Maybe. But if no one's complained, you might assume that you're OK. It's the same with whining. I could come home and whine about my day. How I hate my job, how my boss is an idiot, how awful traffic was, etc. If my partner just sits there and listens, then how will I know she's getting tired of hearing it? How will I know that it's making her feel miserable to hear it all the time? That's why I think it's so important to set limits.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
DennyCrane, in my experience, ignoring a need does not make it go away. It comes back stronger.
I'm not saying you have to ignore it. What I am saying, however, is that you have to be willing to look out for your own interests. If your partner is constantly whining and it's wearing you out, then staying in a toxic environment isn't the answer. Obviously, ignoring the problem isn't the solution either, at least not in the long run. In the short run, however, walking away can be one of the best things you could do for yourself. Plus, it establishes that your partner has reached your limit. Yes, you have to be respectful of how you set those limits. Simply saying "quit your whining" isn't going to help matters. In fact, it's likely to make things worse. But respect is a two-way street. You can be respectful in setting those limits, but your partner has to be respectful by acknowledging that there are in fact limits and that their whining does affect you.
It varies from person to person. Some people whine more than others. And I don't think it's exclusive to women. As you correctly pointed out, men are just as capable of whining about the same things over and over. But I do think it's important to set limits on just how much whining you're willing to tolerate from someone. People don't always realize when they've crossed the line. Imagine you're in a restaurant and you're talking too loud. But no has told you. Would you realize that you're talking too loud? Maybe. But if no one's complained, you might assume that you're OK. It's the same with whining. I could come home and whine about my day. How I hate my job, how my boss is an idiot, how awful traffic was, etc. If my partner just sits there and listens, then how will I know she's getting tired of hearing it? How will I know that it's making her feel miserable to hear it all the time? That's why I think it's so important to set limits.
This comes down to self-awareness imo. Some, for example, would never dream of talking on a cell phone at a restaurant or in a movie theater. They would be aware of how loud they're speaking in a restaurant (barring a hearing problem). They know what's appropriate and when. Some folk are concerned with how they affect others while also being capable of picking up on social cues. Also, they are able to learn from others. I suppose this is a matter of social intelligence and it bleeds into the entire personality. My mom, god bless her, is not aware of how loud she is where ever. If I call her and she's at a restaurant she'll pick up the phone and tell me about the dinner she's having. I always immediately hang up because I know it's inconsiderate. She's not only socially inept in that arena, but elsewhere. The trait is indicative of a particular kind of personality. Now, I love her, but I would never marry someone like her. lol
If someone is complaining about a problem at work and you're not interested in hearing about it, that will be reflected in how engaged you are in the conversation. If she's just talking at you and doesn't notice that glazed look in your eyes, then she's not a mindful person. If she further doesn't care about your obvious non-reaction, again, I don't know why you would bother with her.
The only time I've found that I may have needed to set limits with a partner while communicating is if the person was impaired (drunk/high). If such behavior was a natural part of his/her disposition, I don't think I would stick around long enough to bother. Of course, we're all willing to put up with different things from people. What doesn't drive me batty about a spouse might drive you batty.
Or people who already do things my way before I even met them.
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