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If I sit there and DON'T LISTEN then I won't be faced with this sh*tty choice of having to either lie to her ("I feel sorry for you"), or criticize her ("I don't feel sorry for you because its your fault.")
No, there's a 3rd option - you listen (or pretend to), say "uh-hu" and "I see," and shut up!
Well, I do employ that tactic. It falls under the scope of 'not listening.'
My original question was more along the lines of... why do women insist upon putting men in that position? Do they not realize it, or is this lose-lose situation just their demented idea of bonding? Are there women who don't, how do I find them, and what are the drawbacks?
Well, I do employ that tactic. It falls under the scope of 'not listening.'
My original question was more along the lines of... why do women insist upon putting me in that position? Do they not realize it, or is this lose-lose situation just their demented idea of bonding? Are there women who don't, how do I find them, and what are the drawbacks?
People (not just women) want to be close with other people who are on the same wavelength, people who validate them. There are plenty of other unavoidable folks in our lives to drive us nuts and there's no need to have a relationship with such a person or keep him/her at home. In the cases when you disagree with something, but the topic isn't particularly important to you or the relationship, the best policy is to just listen and validate the other person's feelings. Feelings are just that... feelings... They can't be right or wrong... They don't need to be justifiable or acted upon... They come and go... Nobody wants a devil's advocate. Nobody feels turned on by a devil's advocate... if you get my drift... Is it worth it to you to be one?
If I sit there and DON'T LISTEN then I won't be faced with this sh*tty choice of having to either lie to her ("I feel sorry for you"), or criticize her ("I don't feel sorry for you because its your fault.")
Dang, why can't men get this?????????????????????????
There is ANOTHER option
You don't deny or agree with her feelings - you simply empathize with how upset she is.
"I can see you are really upset, and I'm so sorry this has happened".
"I know that really frustrates you and I hate seeing you so unhappy".
Dang, why can't men get this?????????????????????????
There is ANOTHER option
You don't deny or agree with her feelings - you simply empathize with how upset she is.
"I can see you are really upset, and I'm so sorry this has happened".
"I know that really frustrates you and I hate seeing you so unhappy".
SEE?
"I'm upset that you're upset."
Yeah, that actually does make sense. It is so ambiguous that it is meaningless, which makes it perfect. I'm putting that one in my back pocket for future reference.
If I had a bad day or experience and wanted to vent...he'd offer solutions to try and fix the issue. 99% of the time I wasn't looking for solutions, I was looking for him to say "yeah that sucks" too or if he didn't agree with me, just to actively listen!
It used to frustrate the heck out of me. I've learned that it's just how he is wired.
I'm not even a man and that's how I'm wired.
Never understood the whole whining for whining's sake. Or what I guess is 'venting.' If I bring up a problem, I want to hear some solutions. Ergo, when I hear someone else talking about a problem, I figure they're asking for a solution.
Seems like that is not so for a lot of women. They just want your sympathy, empathy, and validation of their feelings. I have to try hard to remember that. It's a form of emotional support.
Yeah, that actually does make sense. It is so ambiguous that it is meaningless, which makes it perfect. I'm putting that one in my back pocket.
If you don't want to lie, just say, "Man, that sucks!" They will think you are referring to their situation, but you could really be saying that it sucks that you have to listen to them prattle on and on.
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That's not harmful!
It falls under the scope of 'not listening.'
Is it worth it to you to be one?
