Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If her being upset annoys you, aren't you sorry she's upset?
"I'm sorry you're upset [because having to listen to you jaw about it annoys me]."
Well typically, yes.
But to use an example that doesn't apply to me ... but everyone should understand..
Let's say your husband wakes up every morning , just totally b*tching about his headache, after a night of cow tipping and binging on Wild Turkey 101. Are you a passive-aggressive sociopath for "not supporting him when he's upset" ?
But to use an example that doesn't apply to me ... but everyone should understand..
Let's say your husband wakes up every morning , just totally b*tching about his headache, after a night of binging on Wild Turkey 101. Are you a sociopath for "not supporting him when he's upset" ?
Hey, I'm not impugning your relationship with your wife; I'm defending "I'm sorry you are upset" as lame but not technically a lie. I'd probably tell him, "I'm sorry you're sick," and leave him alone for the time being. Harping at someone during a hangover goes nowhere fast.
Tell me this, though. If I suggest he cut back on the drinking (hypothetically, since mine doesn't drink) and I have done that repeatedly (because he wakes up every morning hung over, in your scenario), am I a nagger or do I have a fix-it personality? Nagging seems to be one of those traits some guys like to ascribe to women, but when they do it, it's just trying to solve a problem.
Tell me this, though. If I suggest he cut back on the drinking (hypothetically, since mine doesn't drink) and I have done that repeatedly (because he wakes up every morning hung over, in your scenario), am I a nagger or do I have a fix-it personality?
i don't know. nagging is not something i have much experience with.
it seems to me, though, that 'fix it' would necessarily mean that there's a perception that a question is being asked. nagging would not be in response to a (perceived) question. nagging would probably imply that it is a recurring topic, too.
i don't know. nagging is not something i have much experience with.
it seems to me, though, that 'fix it' would necessarily mean that there's a perception that a question is being asked. nagging would not be in response to a (perceived) question. nagging would probably imply that it is a recurring topic, too.
Well, yes, you asked about a husband who woke up hung over every day. I'm just wondering how you approach a recurring problem (frequent speeding tickets, "I'm too fat," etc.) if you don't like to offer sympathy or try to help fix the problem. Do you just ignore it or ask, "How do you plan to work on that" or what?
Edited: I'm not trying to be confrontational. I'm just curious. Like you, I realized a long time ago that men and women think differently, so I'm just trying to see into your weird brain.
Well, yes, you asked about a husband who woke up hung over every day. I'm just wondering how you approach a recurring problem (frequent speeding tickets, "I'm too fat," etc.) if you don't like to offer sympathy or try to help fix the problem. Do you just ignore it or ask, "How do you plan to work on that" or what?
i've tried a few things, but i generally acknowledge that i'm helpless, when faced with someone who recognizes a problem, but lacks discipline and work ethic to improve, or prefers to blame the problem on exogenous factors.
what's maddening is how the volume of discussion about unsolvable problems serves to marginalize the problems that are solvable. But then, that just reminds me that for some folks, complaining (for the sake of being heard) is more important than improving the quality of one's life by recognizing and fixing problems. Baffling.
Hey, I'm not impugning your relationship with your wife; I'm defending "I'm sorry you are upset" as lame but not technically a lie. I'd probably tell him, "I'm sorry you're sick," and leave him alone for the time being. Harping at someone during a hangover goes nowhere fast.
Tell me this, though. If I suggest he cut back on the drinking (hypothetically, since mine doesn't drink) and I have done that repeatedly (because he wakes up every morning hung over, in your scenario), am I a nagger or do I have a fix-it personality? Nagging seems to be one of those traits some guys like to ascribe to women, but when they do it, it's just trying to solve a problem.
I think nagging has a certain tone to it as well as facial expression.
I think nagging has a certain tone to it as well as facial expression.
I think men and women tend to have very different ideas about what constitutes nagging. Likewise, what a man sees as a helpful suggestion, a woman might call "trying to control me."
I think men and women tend to have very different ideas about what constitutes nagging. Likewise, what a man sees as a helpful suggestion, a woman might call "trying to control me."
I agree, and we also probably have different ideas about what constitutes "venting", and what an appropriate response is.
I struggle to listen to important stuff that my boss tells me in the workplace, face-to-face. There is absolutely no hope for me when it comes to this. My goal is to not think while other people are talking, and even that is a constant challenge.
As the person who started this thread, I was really hoping we wouldn't start generalizing about each gender, saying that men never listen, that they're always trying to solve problems, that women need to complain all the time, etc. But I guess that was expecting too much. I reject these gender stereotypes. Not all men are guilty of being poor listeners, not all of them have a "fix-it" mentality, and not all women need to vent endlessly.
The need to vent is something both genders are guilty of. In all of my relationships, I've allowed my partner to vent whenever she needed to. Likewise, if I felt the need to vent, my partner would listen. But why do people keep framing this as an either/or proposition, as if you only have two choices, listen or don't listen? There is a middle ground, which is that you listen, but also set limits. CArizona mentioned having to do this with her husband. She let him know how his moods were affecting her. Did drawing a line make her an un-supportive partner? I don't think so. To say that your need to vent is about you and only you is selfish. There's more than one person in the relationship and while it may be their job to be supportive of you, it's your job to understand how your moods affect them. Setting limits on just how much they can vent DOESN'T mean you're saying they have nothing of value to say. It's simply a recognition of the fact that your feelings are just as important as theirs.
Someone earlier suggested that even if you're not interested in what your partner has to say, you should act like you are. I refuse to do that. Likewise, I wouldn't want my partner to do that. It's dishonest. I would rather my partner be genuinely interested in my problems, not just pretend to be because that was what was expected of them. And if you get caught pretending, then what? Better to be honest about you feel from the start.
We want our partners to validate our feelings. And feelings are neither good nor bad. But validation shouldn't be confused with agreement. If my partner complains about her job, I can validate her feelings even though, deep down, I may think she's completely wrong. The problem is that some people interpret validation as agreement. If you sit there and nod and never say anything, then what's to stop them from thinking you agree? This happened to me once. I was complaining about my job and my partner listened without really saying anything. So I concluded that she agreed with me about my boss. It was only later that she pointed out how wrong I was. But if she hadn't, I would've gone on thinking she agreed with me.
Many guys are quick to offer a solution when their partner starts to complain about something. But that doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested in listening or trying to shut her down. People offer solutions because they want to help. One time my partner was complaining about how her boss was treating her. So I asked if she told her boss how she felt. Her answer? "It won't do any good." My response? "How do you know?" I wasn't trying to tell her she was wrong or that she should quit complaining about her boss. I was simply showing interest in her problem. This is where a lot of us men have difficulty. Sure there are times where we can't help and offering up a solution is not only pointless, it can sometimes be insulting to the other person. But in this case, I wasn't even offering a solution. I was simply asking for more information.
I struggle with this expectation that many women have, how they should be able to say whatever they feel in a given moment, and as a boyfriend/husband/whatever, that I'm expected to agree. They refer to this as "support." And if the boyfriend/husband/SO doesn't agree, that he's supposed to lie about that, because that's "support."
Support may not be agreeing. Support may be listening, and holding your tongue if you don't agree, because whether or not you agree may not be pertinent to the issue at hand. Could be that the support needed is simply a listening ear.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
